this year I acknowledged that I can cry without having to think sorrows, I can mentally break down to songs, to movies and documentaries within seconds, and there need not to be any reasons for me to being sad and having a soaked pillow. I honestly don't know why I cried watching "Simply Complicated" It's a documentary of a celebrity, my childhood favorite singer Demi Lovato, whose struggles shown in it, struggles with drugs, cocaine, self harm, eating disorder, sleeping disorder and all the fucked up things addicts do...And I cried without even empathizing what was happening on the screen. I don't relate to her other than the fact that, I sleep a lot and I sometimes resist food for the fear of getting fat and the fact that I love music. My issues aren't big enough. And I think, I do think, I would have taken drugs if I had access to it, because I have such fascination toward it, I always talk to my friends about how I want to get high and feel the feelings and know what the craze is all about.
I sometimes feel like a maniac.
This year, I cried so much. So much. SO much. I just didn't know I had it in me. To get to a point where I wanted to cut my skin and see blood on it. I didn't know how in the morning, while in the car going to the university, seeing the scars on my wrist in the day light made me feel beautiful. Ironically. It made me feel like an art. It itched, burned a bit but I liked it. I liked the sensation. And I wanted it to stay like this. I wanted it to be deeper. And so deeper until it could be more visible I could feel like I can take pain. In our country we don't go to the psychiatrist unless it's super serious. Unless you hear things and do things in a way that is abnormal and unaccepted by the society. I don't know what's wrong with me. I become extremely sad at small things. Like when somebody say something a bit negative, I come home and I dwell on it, I cry myself to sleep. I oversleep.
I wish I could tell my parents about how I feel every night. They are already in pressure with my brother being schizophrenic. I don't want to add up to that. They do think I have a sleeping and eating issue. They do think I am reckless with my health. But what they don't know is, I don't do this on purpose. I want to be motivated and upbeat but I am crestfallen on a daily basis. I don't know how to cure that, I seriously don't know. I tried studying, but I can't concentrate on it solely, unless I have a quiz or mid next day. I am pressurized, stressed with having to do the minimum load, and it just only makes me feel like a worthless creature.
Tonight watching that documentary, I felt so interested knowing what chaos this celebrity has faced and overcame and I wanted to be in her place, I wanted to have a purpose like her. I wish I had a purpose. I wish I was so passionate about something. Because every night I feel like I am this wasted human, this worthless thing and I can't stop crying. I am still crying.
I have these dimension created in my head. Of personality/character. To my friends, I wanna be lovable and attractive. To my parents I wanna be responsible and affectionate. To myself, I wanna be enough, sufficient, carefree. I am never enough to myself. I feel this endless void. I don't know how to fill that up. I am irresponsible to my parents. I hadn't yet, in 21 years, given them a reason to be proud of me. I am childish in my group of friends. They love me but also they don't take me seriously and they know how much I mess up things. Nothing is what I picture in my head. I wanted him to love me back, he didn't. I did get snippets of his attraction but it only ached me to want more. I am not gonna talk about love because it is beyond my control. You cannot force anyone to love you. It just happens in mysterious ways. You never know. Okay maybe someways it can be artificially created but I don't think it to be sustainable that way.
My life hasn't given me all the reasons to be this much sad. I mean I am a failure that's correct, but I am still young and I have do overs for at least till I turn 25 or as long as I am physically strong. But how many times do I have to have these mental breakdowns and never get tired of crying. It is like sort of became my addiction. To cry and sleep. Isn't it odd?
If this messes me up, wonder what I'd do when the real issues would add up to my life. I mean right now, I haven't even dealt with the half of it. It scares me, it really does.
You know, I have a very pessimist view regarding the subject of suicide. I think it is pointless to end life on your own. And I have watched a video about this guy who once decided to jump off the London bridge and immediately regret after jumping because when he was in the path to seriously damage himself, put himself to death, his paradigm shifted, he knew he didn't wanna die. It was just an impulse. He is one of the 17 percent people who survived luckily who said the exact same thing about instant regret, and that teaches me something. Maybe all the people who killed themselves, did want to kill themselves but when they were actually doing it, maybe in the nano second of dying they wanted to live but people couldn't know that, and it was too late. Maybe nobody wants to die on the verge of dying, they want to live but we never know. Maybe all the suicides are just failed attempts to tell the world "NO I MADE A MISTAKE I ACTUALLY WANT TO LIVE,SAVE ME."
I don't want to end my life. I just want a purpose. I just want a solution to not crying so often and feel like a failure in every way. I want to heal. I want my soul to be carefree.
I sometimes feel like a maniac.
This year, I cried so much. So much. SO much. I just didn't know I had it in me. To get to a point where I wanted to cut my skin and see blood on it. I didn't know how in the morning, while in the car going to the university, seeing the scars on my wrist in the day light made me feel beautiful. Ironically. It made me feel like an art. It itched, burned a bit but I liked it. I liked the sensation. And I wanted it to stay like this. I wanted it to be deeper. And so deeper until it could be more visible I could feel like I can take pain. In our country we don't go to the psychiatrist unless it's super serious. Unless you hear things and do things in a way that is abnormal and unaccepted by the society. I don't know what's wrong with me. I become extremely sad at small things. Like when somebody say something a bit negative, I come home and I dwell on it, I cry myself to sleep. I oversleep.
I wish I could tell my parents about how I feel every night. They are already in pressure with my brother being schizophrenic. I don't want to add up to that. They do think I have a sleeping and eating issue. They do think I am reckless with my health. But what they don't know is, I don't do this on purpose. I want to be motivated and upbeat but I am crestfallen on a daily basis. I don't know how to cure that, I seriously don't know. I tried studying, but I can't concentrate on it solely, unless I have a quiz or mid next day. I am pressurized, stressed with having to do the minimum load, and it just only makes me feel like a worthless creature.
Tonight watching that documentary, I felt so interested knowing what chaos this celebrity has faced and overcame and I wanted to be in her place, I wanted to have a purpose like her. I wish I had a purpose. I wish I was so passionate about something. Because every night I feel like I am this wasted human, this worthless thing and I can't stop crying. I am still crying.
I have these dimension created in my head. Of personality/character. To my friends, I wanna be lovable and attractive. To my parents I wanna be responsible and affectionate. To myself, I wanna be enough, sufficient, carefree. I am never enough to myself. I feel this endless void. I don't know how to fill that up. I am irresponsible to my parents. I hadn't yet, in 21 years, given them a reason to be proud of me. I am childish in my group of friends. They love me but also they don't take me seriously and they know how much I mess up things. Nothing is what I picture in my head. I wanted him to love me back, he didn't. I did get snippets of his attraction but it only ached me to want more. I am not gonna talk about love because it is beyond my control. You cannot force anyone to love you. It just happens in mysterious ways. You never know. Okay maybe someways it can be artificially created but I don't think it to be sustainable that way.
My life hasn't given me all the reasons to be this much sad. I mean I am a failure that's correct, but I am still young and I have do overs for at least till I turn 25 or as long as I am physically strong. But how many times do I have to have these mental breakdowns and never get tired of crying. It is like sort of became my addiction. To cry and sleep. Isn't it odd?
If this messes me up, wonder what I'd do when the real issues would add up to my life. I mean right now, I haven't even dealt with the half of it. It scares me, it really does.
You know, I have a very pessimist view regarding the subject of suicide. I think it is pointless to end life on your own. And I have watched a video about this guy who once decided to jump off the London bridge and immediately regret after jumping because when he was in the path to seriously damage himself, put himself to death, his paradigm shifted, he knew he didn't wanna die. It was just an impulse. He is one of the 17 percent people who survived luckily who said the exact same thing about instant regret, and that teaches me something. Maybe all the people who killed themselves, did want to kill themselves but when they were actually doing it, maybe in the nano second of dying they wanted to live but people couldn't know that, and it was too late. Maybe nobody wants to die on the verge of dying, they want to live but we never know. Maybe all the suicides are just failed attempts to tell the world "NO I MADE A MISTAKE I ACTUALLY WANT TO LIVE,SAVE ME."
I don't want to end my life. I just want a purpose. I just want a solution to not crying so often and feel like a failure in every way. I want to heal. I want my soul to be carefree.
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