Skip to main content
There is a thing called fate. Do I believe in it? Technically, No. Metaphorically, Yes.
I believe there are dots everywhere, each connects to the other and leads the way.
When I look back into my past, I don't look at some dots, scattering all around, I see a chain, a connection of some sort. And a contribution that brought me to the present.

I don't know why I felt the need to say this. I just felt that all my life, I had accepted where I stood. Which I shouldn't. I shouldn't give up. I shouldn't stop at where I am now. This must go on. My life can't pause into thinking about one man in particular. I can't waste my time thinking what could be with just that guy. He doesn't count in my future. Or maybe I would see him around. But I can't jeopardize my present thinking about what ifs. Daydreaming about being loved and cared for when the truth is. He might just not be into the bigger picture. He might just be a fluke or a valueless, timeless obsession.

When I took a good look at his physique the other day, I realized what could be the reason that attracted my mind so much...I realized, what is so special about him is that I think something's special about him.But he is just as flawed as a human can be. Maybe more than flawed. And when I realized that, I kept telling myself, I must be a fool. A great big fool to have fallen for someone like this. And right now, when all he wants is to win that girl's heart...a rebound to get over the past. Wants to be with someone so people don't look at him with pitiful eyes and you know the greater truth? I am not that someone, I will never be the someone and I don't want to be that girl he wants by his side. I am just not that type. And he is just not my type at all.

It feels great to get attention. To get compliments from him but I realized, my want and needs just stop right there. I don't love him enough to be with him. I realized this the other day. God it would be awkward if we were....GOD it would be such a dysfunctional combination of souls.

Glad. I am glad I realized this. I am glad I don't feel much miserable like I used to. 









Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

world war?

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...
Post a Comment
Read more

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more

healing in progress

 Dear B,  What I learned from the past week is that I tend to take on grief from others in my family like my own. Even though there is nothing I can do about it to ease other's pain. Hence, I suffer internally.  There is a song that I deeply connect with:  Tu Jhoom | Naseebo Lal x Abida Parveen. It kind of goes like this: “What is meant to be yours will find you through any excuse. My heart, understand that there is nothing in your control. You just swirl (let it go)” My brother recently got rejected from a marriage proposal from a girl he really liked. It was arranged but this was his first experience talking with a girl. Seeing him being torn left me in tears as I know how much he was hurting. He is such a gentle soul. I took his pain as if my own and could not sleep at night. Nothing I say could ease his suffering but I still tried to cheer him up. I prayed genuinely for him to be showered with blessings. I want him to experience life, be with someone who would ca...
Post a Comment
Read more