Skip to main content
I don't have a clue what is happening this semester. I completely gave up my studying. Yesterday I went to university and didn't go to any of the classes. I spent the whole day with friends.

I hate myself. I hate how I am wasting my father's money. I don't know what to do. I am making mess everywhere I go...

Right now I am binge watching How I met Your Mother and I'm afraid I am liking it more than I liked watching Friends...Problem with live streaming is, when it buffers, I start to think back how I am wasting my time, how I am not studying and making any improvements, how I am such a lazy ass and how I've no dignity. Every thought links me down to him. Our conversation. And another him. Our holding hands. Yeah, there's two of them now. I don't know how it happened, I sorta disliked the other one in the past, but how in the hell did I end up liking when he did what he did with my pinky. I know it sounds bizarre and weird but yeah..He was sort of playing with my fingers(!) and I let him, And I completely pretended to be an ignorant. He is a friend. I am not supposed to have attraction/that sort of feeling for him, but I kinda liked it...Gosh am I that desperate?...Apparently, every time when it buffers in the screen, I do self lathing and throw my head back, look at the ceiling and whisper out in a sigh- FUCK MY LIFE.
I went for a hair cut yesterday. I got fringe now. Every time I look in the mirror, I kinda regret. Curly hairs suck.

My life is falling apart.






Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

spring is almost here

Hi B,  Season is changing. The hard days are almost over.  The city I live in has turned so beautiful, I get overwhelmed by the beauty.  Tulips are in. Cherry blossoms are blossoming.  Magnolia, Beautiful white flowers, name unknown to me.  Taking a walk out feels like a celebration of life.  It feels like I'm falling in love with the city.  I remember when I first moved here 2 years ago, the excitement and the crippling anxiety of starting a new life from scratch. Now, after 2 years, I feel a warmth and love for the place.  I don't know if I would feel the same when the winter comes though. Seasonal depression is no joke.  My new mantra for life now is to chill.  Praise the nature and find pretty little corners in the city.  Write poems.  Paint, maybe.  Seek positivity.  Love. Be kind to self. No rush. Read books. Just flow.
Post a Comment
Read more

long distance again

 I came back from my trip. It was amazing 2 weeks of my life. Seeing him again after so long felt strange yet peaceful. I finally got to be in his arms again. 2 weeks flew by and now I am back home and back to work and normal hustle and bustle of life.  He got an extension offer and decided to stay for another 3 months. It is sad because he was supposed to be back next month. He asked me if he should take it and despite having my heart aching I supported him in the decision. It is not confirmed yet but he probably be staying another 3. Another 5 months of long distance. How am I going to survive the winter by myself? I don't know. Honestly, in my heart, I don't care about how much compensation he be getting. I miss him so much and this long distance thing is killing me inside. Today is Friday night and instead of cuddles and movie, I am home alone. No plans to look forward. No one to talk to. I am the loneliest girl on earth right now. He is probably sleeping and not picking u...
Post a Comment
Read more

winter together

 Dear B,  Sorry I've been so MIA. Here's the update you missed - My husband came back! He wasn't approved for those 3 months of extension. I've been getting enough cuddles and kisses to survive this winter.  Yes, winter is here. Never underestimate the Canadian winter. It's the worst. Everything is grey and dark. However, I am looking forward to going home in March. I'm so excited to see my friends again. Most importantly my parents and brother. It feels a strange kind of feeling. I am planning to 'visit' the place I was born and call home. It is definitely a new kind of feeling.  Things been okay. We are okay. I am glad to have him back.  We bought a new couch and a coffee table. It's still in back order and I'm impatiently waiting for them to arrive.  Can't believe only 4 days left to 2026. Time is flying so quick. Hope we talk again, B. I swear I missed you!
Post a Comment
Read more