Everly

Lesson of the day: I can trust nobody. Except the person that has never betrayed me, that I can tell secrets to and he/she will take it to their grave. I have found that person in life thankfully, and she is my cousin sister. This isn't the point. SO today I kind of let Turtle dove down by spilling something to Sumo. I shouldn't have, but I don't know, something about Sumo. Her manipulative skills took it over from me. And I should have known, she would ask Turtle Dove about this matter. And T will get upset with me. I don't think T will ever tell me secrets anymore. We patched up after. Mainly because, our friendship isn't that old to hold grudges against each other. I don't think she  considers me as a friend- like the bestie kind. Always had doubts on our friendship, maybe it's just me. This is the first time she ever told me a secret and I let that out. Not so loyal of me I know....But I didn't let the matter completely out, I basically, gave ...

I don't look forward to going classes anymore. Mainly because, I have to see his crumbling face.Forcing a smile now and then. Never saying hi to me. I don't feel like I exist to him anymore. Maybe I was just some friend he liked to tease when he used to be in good moods. Now I am just a no one. I hate seeing him like this. SO I tell at home the exact time my classes are over so that I don't have to hang out with them, him being there, looking like the world has fallen apart. I know exactly how he's feeling right now. Actually no. It would be wrong to say that. I don't exactly know what's he's going through. But I can say, he is feeling like he will never love someone like the way he loved her. Since the first day, he was sure of it, she being the one. But it is so wrong to waste such love like that. Who said You can't fall in love twice and thrice? There's no hard and fast rule. Well who am I kidding. I don't know a single thing about love...

Mid week has come to an end. Ah. I can finally rest my head on pillow now. But I did a silly mistake on exam script today! Was too much confident about my potentials in Accounting. Damn it! I can bet everybody got that right except me. Ugh. That's terrible. He deactivated his account on fb. His ex has not. It feels so weird calling her his ex. Geez. I had been stalking them way too much. Before I was like- they're so perfect. No one can come between their relationship...blah blah blah. Now. Those are myths. I am sad for him. She is doing great I guess. My niece is the most adorable thing to come home to! She's such a cutie! I take her in my lap and she smiles sometimes....I don't know how I am going to do without her...It's like every once in a while, I have to sniff her soft hair and kiss her knuckles. This is just my everyday ritual now. How can a person be this adorable? My skin has turned into a havoc. I got acne again, and the spots. They're getting ...

I heard they broke up. Nothing is the same about him. He is so...quiet. And suddenly so cold. Like he does not say hi to anybody or have a conversation. This is so brutal on him. I can't see him like this. He didn't tease me like he used to. He didn't laugh at me. Nor played the shadow game just to make me hear how annoying I sound. I know this isn't about me but I just can't bear the fact that he is hurt inside. He has been betrayed by the girl he loved and still loves so passionately. I also heard things about her. Things that he might not know. I heard she'd been having second thoughts about him and almost dated someone. All has been heard that, people in her class didn't even know she had a boyfriend. I know this isn't my place to judge but she made herself look available to other guys. This is disgusting. If she wasn't committed to singer guy she should have told him about it sooner, just a message saying I don't love you anymore isn...

I feel better now. I feel like shit during weekends. When classes start, I get busy and channel my depression into something so I don't feel like harming myself. It gets really bad when I feel down these days. I don't know. Before it was easy. I used to get busy with books or just watch youtube videos, listen to songs or watch a movie or something. These days, when I feel down, I sleep for abnormal hours and when I wake up I feel like shit. I feel like cutting some skin. Never done self harm. But these days I crave it. Maybe it's just that...I am not happy with myself at all. I am not happy with slow progress, small successes. I want to do better. I want everyone to recognize me, to truly know me. And I know, I don't work as much to want that in life. I have still got a lot of room for improvement. It is about priorities. I sometimes ignore the fact that- studying should be my number one priority right now. I ditch classes sometimes, just because Turtle dove did s...

Everything sucks except the fact that I have a baby in the house. I get hypnotized just staring at her. So innocent. So pure. I want to leave everything, everyone.  I want to be alone, talk to nobody. Sick and tired of being reminded to study, to eat, to shower, to wake up. My parents,grandma, literally everyone in the house are doing that to me. Why can't they just let me be. I don't know why I am suffering. I crave to be alone. Crawl into a black dark tunnel and just stay there forever. I didn't wanna wake up today. My dad threatened me that he would beat me up if I didn't. Now I am hating every moment I am awake. I hate the fact that I have mid on sunday and I haven't studied a bit. I hate the fact that I am not doing the way I should in life. I want to find some tranquility. I seek for patience. I yet don't know how to stop this ache. It's not that there is no reason feeling like this. There is. My house is full of people. And I want to be alo...

it is hurting. I can't forget him. It is getting worse each day. And I am tired of not being wanted.  I hate this feeling...I am in pain right now. I try diverting my thoughts into sleep, into studying but he keeps coming back. I wish we were good friends. Then I would have told him about how I feel and we would laugh it off and I would feel better at least letting it out. I like him. a lott. At to the point where it is almost being impossible for me to keep it in. I want to tell him so bad. I want to tell him the truth that I hide whenever I see him. But I flush and I become mute.Every time. Does it ever end? Does it ever end feeling unwanted by someone you want so bad? So bad in your life that you regret every moment he isn't there? I want to put an end to this. I have to somehow eventually. It is killing me inside. 

Happy to report you that October 17, my niece came into this world. She is so cute MASHALLAH. I can't wait to cuddle her. They are settling on a name-Roudza, meaning garden in paradise. I wish I could write more about her but I have mid tomorrow so BYE. I am darn happy being an aunt. :))

Okay, blog, too much to share today. Firstly, My sister's delivery is tomorrow and I can't sleep, my mom can't sleep. Excitement. Tension. I am gonna be an aunt!! Isn't that great? So basically I spent the whole evening, brooding over the concept of LOVE. Browsing to Youtube was the stupidest idea. I found out about Colleen and Joshua having divorce. And I watched both of their videos. Both of their claims. Colleen is divorcing Joshua. Joshua still wants to work things out. They both cried in their individual videos. Okay if you don't know them, side information, they are youtubers, Colleen plays a character called Miranda Sings. And okay they got married last year in June, uploaded an amazing video of their wedding, if you watch it you will restore faith in love. And what just happened. Separation. I felt so bad watching Joshua, he was heartbroken. I am losing faith in love now. Really. Rest in peace all my favorite Rom-Coms and classic romantic novels. I am ...

I have just seen one side of the story. And I thought it to be so perfect! He made me believe in love. Seriously. I almost believed that, the one you are happy being with at present, will last in your future. But not everybody's story ends with a happy ending. I just heard the bizarre thing today. The singer guy is having trouble with his girlfriend. I hope they work things out because even though I like him a lot, I never wanted anything bad happening to their relationship. I wish him to be happy and she makes him happy. She looks like an angel. And she is intelligent plus beautiful. If I were a guy I would be falling hard too. Well I don't know everything about them, I just have seen some pictures, some captions and heard some stories and it made believe they're made for each other. It made me believe they're both happy in love. I even imagined them getting married in future, having kids and stuffs...And maybe I am getting so invested on this couple because...I...

We are waiting for a baby to come to this world. My sister's baby girl. Any day now. I can't wait to take her in my lap and hold her tiny little fingers and kiss her soft baby knuckles. I don't know what's with me and baby fingers and toes. I just love how tiny they are!  My sis is getting impatient, normal for a mother. I just hope everything goes well. I have two quizzes this sunday. Then one homework I haven't even lay my eyes on yet. Then I have Math mid. This week is going to be heavy on me. I guess I have to push myself more, I am not studying in the pressure I should be. Distractions. Internet. I wish to forget him. Really wish it. For some reason, everyday, the thought of him visits my head and I just can't help it. He is studying hard I can tell. He is rarely online on group chats. I have been frequently online. I don't know I hate weekends now. I crave to see him. Only class days allow me that/ I am a pathetic woman. I really should stop obses...

I feel nothing. I have started to  understand everything that there is, is temporary. The concept of Forever is a lie. Everything is so short and beautiful. Shortly after the rain, the sky clears out and you see the sun.  

Nobody knew what she hid underneath her smile. Smile that won hearts and flowers and compliments and shower of affection and gave her edge to other pretty girls. Underneath that smile lied her sorrows. Her heart broken apart like stars in the space. Her mind played puzzles, kept them unsolved. And she. She learned the hardest way the universal language of hiding pain. Making the corners of her mouth turn up in an expression that showed happiness, amusement, pleasure while inside her head everything was Topsy-turvy. 

Okay. I have to clear my head for a bit. Maybe because, I just came up here, after watching a romantic film and realized I would find no one even close to Ashton Kutcher in life and maybe because I am late, maybe this is just hormones speaking. I am so disappointed at him. And equally disgusted. SO this guy I have told you about. Back in...well residential semester, he was throwing me pickup lines and it wasn't just him, maybe I was too easy to please. I got delusional and maybe even thought about....Oh thank god I didn't. So after this whole delusions and assumptions, the magic was gone. I avoided him...Maybe I sensed something wrong and then it was just chats, no face to face talks. But I always had this "Am I being flirty?" Alert in the back of my head. And maybe yes, I was trying to understand this foreign language how to converse with opposite sex. I had shown him interest and I am so not proud of it now. I know this was just going nowhere. But...here's...

They think getting high is cool. Like it is something worth doing in life at least for once. Okay maybe, when you're bored af, this decision might sound worthy and you might just want to fall into the crowd. Blame on the western Tv shows. They make it sound so cool. Even Sherlock got high. Ross used to smoke pot in his room. Why I don't like my friends smoking or doing any kind of drugs? They think trying new things is youthful and adventurous but harming your lungs like that....Nothing can be fun when you're sick...They have potentials. I hate to see them wasting it just like that. I don't know why I care and judge but I just....It is so unfair.  I am not a cancer patient but things like this get me. Life is a gift. There are people in the world dying for one good heart/lungs/liver/kidney. I hate to compare but it's true. Pathetic what people do to blend in. I don't think it's cool. I don't think any of this is cool. And if only I could stop them...

A point. Everything starts from that point. Yes, there has to be a point. From where a person grows. Or crumbles. When you make it to that point- it is yours to decide. The path you choose shapes your destiny. When people say, God works in mysterious ways...They don't mean it by saying the process which God chooses to work is obscure or something beyond your knowing.  He chooses what is meant to happen. And when it happens. You declare frustration. You give up thinking that you are the victim here. But soon as you accept it, make your way through it, you sort through the puzzle- reaching to the ultimate result of satisfaction- What happened was meant to be. It was bound to be. And God knew all along. It was you who had taken the time to process it. You needed Him to break it down for you. The destiny that we're given are bound to happen. Now come back to the point where it is yours to decide. Yours to choose. Now society will make it obvious for you. Work hard. G...