Everly

The day after tomorrow, HSC starts, NIGHTMARE. I don't know if I'd still be available on writing my innermost poetic deepest cheesiest untold stories and things crapping my life. But If I do appear right at the night before exam, don't get surprised. You know what torture is? Not having to sleep – is 7 on scale to 10, but be an insomniac at night when your exam’s just the day after tomorrow,  is definitely a 10. It’s 3 in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I have tried for hours just to reverse the weird sleeping cycle but here I am. Besides, I’m not studying as I should be. And I have an urgency, to go to the restroom but a big trouble just got in. There are two restrooms in our house. One is close to the bedroom. The other is on the way to the living room which I always prefer cause it’s kind of clean. A while ago, when I went to brush my teeth and I discovered a giant cockroach. The size didn’t matter but the real trouble there is, that it can fly. So I decided to u...

SO recently, I mean today, I've joined this WritersCafe  site where you can post stories and writing and all that shit. I kind of posted one of my writings - "A Beautiful Mess" from here. And guess what? I got a review!! My first review!!! And it's a very positive one! I know this is a tiny little thing, not something I should brag about but what the hell. This is pure joy. Knowing that, someone, a person from south Africa read your story, and reviewed it, spend some time on it is an amazing feeling. I don't tempt to be an author, if my one piece of amateur writing gets to one person let alone be it someone from a different continent is enough for me. Because I'm no author. There's no expectations attached to it. HSC has got me freaky on writing more stuffs. And I'm kind of enjoying it.

What I do when I'm going through emotional distress?  I sit with my coloring pencils, a shitty note pad and a pen to quote the moment and play some crummy music. Warning: Some of these quotes/drawings are way to cheesy. I'm a hopeless romantic. I collect love poems, cheesy-squishy lines from internet. Made a habit out of it. Sorry. I'm going to share some of the pics from my not-so-artistry-doodle-notebook; here they are! 

I did my prayer (namaz) today. I felt like I was trying to connect someone on the other side who might or might not exist. I mean in my heart at some point, I feel obligated to believe that he exists but … I just can’t face him, for I’ve done such wrong things, I’m a sinner. Every day. I’m a sinner. I feel like even how much I pray and bow my head to him, He’s gonna look at me as someone to be punished. Maybe it’s not lack of believing, it’s just fear that keeps me away from Him.

In a perfect world, I’m lying on my queen-size bed, snuggling with my newly adopted cat. Manicuring my hands. Having a perfect view of the sunset through my windows that have seats built in. In a perfect world, I have plenty of time to practice literacy and appreciate life. I have the perfectly long hair and the perfect pitch to my voice. A natural glow in my face. In a perfect world, I have the pimple free skin. A perfect round of diet, with the consistency of ice-cream. In a perfect world, my surroundings are vital. I have someone who loves the sound when I giggle. In a perfect world, there’s sickness, caring and letting go of things. There’s messing up, there’s failure. There’s sweet- sweet torture of missing someone close to my heart. In a perfect world there’s everything, yet there’s desire. Desire. There’s fantasies. But there’s no- regrets. In a perfect world I’m a traveler. Who’s also passionate about music and art. In a perfect kind of world, I am feminine effortlessly. In...

“Maybe happiness didn't have to be about the big, sweeping circumstances, about having everything in your life in place. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small pleasures. Wearing slippers and watching the Miss Universe contest. Eating a brownie with vanilla ice cream. Getting to level seven in Dragon Master and knowing there were twenty more levels to go. Maybe happiness was just a matter of the little upticks- the traffic signal that said "Walk" the second you go there- and downticks- the itch tag at the back of your collar- that happened to every person in the course of the day. Maybe everybody had the same allotted measure of happiness within each day. Maybe the truth is, there's a little bit of loser in all of us. Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things.”  ―  Ann Brashares ,  The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

I'm afraid this post is gonna be entirely about him. And I know it since last night. When I couldn't sleep thinking, that was the last class he took of us. And even I talk frequently enough of him in this blog, I don't think it's ever enough...to sum him up. Nothing I write will ever be enough. He will always be my favorite teacher. I know at times, I didn't pay attention to his class but it doesn't change the fact how amazing he is. You must be wondering why I'm using pronouns, why haven't I mentioned his name ever when I am crushing in all sort of way on him. I don't say his name because that's how respective I am of him. You see, I never picture him as my boyfriend or a life-partner, I just picture him as he is. He is someone whom I developed a sophisticated fondness in. And I will never get over it. It's like he's on a stage or something, doing a play. And I'm watching him. Falling in love with every line, every detail. Like ...

I woke up to a dream this morning. I could've said nightmare but he was pulling my cheeks looking for my long lost smile on that dream so it's never a nightmare. Although I saw that I got 3.00 gpa on HSC which made me realize how stupid I am is to wasting my time on this stupid blog and facebook.

It's just cricket. Just a game! I don't know why people are making such deal outta this. We're not going to be on that field. We're gonna be supporting a team. And I get that some of us are die-hard fans of India, some of us death stares them...but you know what? It's not that 1971 war. Or that time when India helped us with weapons when our people fought, sacrificed their lives for freedom. It's 2015, World cup season. When I am supporting my country, I'd not think about those unrelated topics or how actually we gained our freedom. I'd be crossing my fingers in the last over, just because I want our tigers to win and get into the finals.Spreading rude comments and making rape jokes won't really make any of the teams strong. But their training and our support will.

I am not sure how my HSC exams will go. I mean, clearly, without a preparation I can't tell how badly I am gonna suck. My family and outside my family, teachers, family but not so in touch people are looking forward to my results, you know it's a huge deal. If I mess up this, I am not gonna just mess up my life, I'm gonna mess up their expectations. No matter how bad I suck being a student I have to bring out the best I could possibly be. They won't see the efforts I put in, they'd wanna see just the results. So it doesn't really matter how badly I suck now, or if I get triple zeros on pretests. Or if I have not yet conquered my syllabus. So yeah, I'm..I'm not freaking out. I haven't studied anything, but I will not Freak out. I will not freak out. I will not...oh my god I'm freaking out. I don't even practiced those maths, I suck at finance, Accounting and all my subjects, I don't have anything ready . I am not ready to attend the board...

watched The Fault in our Stars last night. Oh my! It's ....I am speechless. I never expected the movie to be this good. I read the book but honestly, I love the movie even more. And their soundtrack. Amazing! 

For some reasons. I am not doing things that are most needed to be done right now. Yet surprisingly I'm enjoying it. I never enjoy skipping work or bunking classes, I usually get depressed. But I don't know what's wrong with me now, I am super - happy about it. I'm rewarding myself. Like nothing would suppress me for skipping classes before HSC. Or for not studying at all . I am not scared anymore. I mean. I was frustrated just two weeks ago, but now look at me~ Every day is a vacation. My life.  I sleep proper six hours now. No interruptions. I don't even care about my study plans/ Oh I don't even have a plan- how awesome is that?! Yesterday was my ICT board practical test, I wasn't close to the preparation I was supposed to have, I watched Mean Girls the night before the test/ And the world cup too. And yesterday, I danced my ass off. Told my parents I was exercising. The fact that I'm so stress free probably because I'm happy. Genuinely happy....

I am sleeping alone tonight. I am not scared, I'm just...it feels a bit odd. Much odd. I have never slept alone. It's not like I'm complaining or anything, it sure is a privilege. I can turn the lights off whenever I want. I've never thought I would end up like this. Really. It's a miracle. 

I found my hidden talent. I'm an organizer. I don't have OCD. NO. I wish I had. Because my room looks fabulous right now. It could've got more fab if, just I had OCD. So Me, my mother, and My sis we went to shopping today and we bought a furry mattress for the bedside. which looks super girly by the way. But elegant too. And a big fluffy pillow, two small one, I just looooooooooooved the covers, glittery and velvety. The big one is purple and the other two-white.  Then when I got home, I organized my closet, mostly closet yeah.I never organized clothes this much my whole life. I just realized I've been only talking about my room since yesterday. I should stop.geez I am always obsessing over stuffs. Oh and I also bought a super cute tank top. Kind of casual. My sis bought the same but hers has cheetah print, looks kinda sexy. When we were back home, we kind of trialed together, exchanged them and trialed again. She looks fat in my casual tank top and I look like a s...

I got my own room !! Last night when nanu left for her flight.Since then my life has been....beautiful...I am so happy. My sister is with me, she's staying for the weekend, Last night it was us again. We talked like the old times. :) I hugged nanu tho. She was sad because she's gonna miss my mother. And us too. I haven't made time to organize everything. I just shifted my books and stuffs to my new table. It's a lot of work and I don't do work. But the best feature of my room is, it still looks pretty. Very pretty. My sis says she envies me. I am going to decorate my room. I am going home tex tomorrow. To buy stuffs. So here's a confession. I think it's lot more easier being single when you haven't yet met the person who, 24 hours a day makes you feel lonely. And who sometimes stares at you like you're a mystery.Who stares as if trying to solve you like a puzzle.Who tries to read your mind. And you find this effort...sexy.I think it's lot.....

Dear Myself, You're not a bad person. Stop feeling like you are one. Stop pitying yourself. Stop apologizing for things you didn't even do, You're not ungrateful. You just want yourself to be happy.You deserve that. That doesn't make you selfish. That makes you wiser. Start fresh. Wake up in the morning and start fresh. It's never too late. You just have to start doing what you gotta do. Now is the time. Make the most of it. Never compromise your sleeping hours. Never overdo it either.Wake up before the alarm buzzes, wake up before anyone could shake you awake. You don't need anyone to tell you how things are done. You tell them. You take the control of your life.  Hush...Just hush those voices in your head. I just want you to know, you're far from the usual. You've grown so mature, you should be proud of yourself. Just take a look at everything you left off. See? You've come through it all. You are okay. You are more than okay. SO don't be ...

March has started already. Just 28 days left for HSC and I am still where I am. Not studying a bit.  I am making plans again. I am dreaming again. What I'd do after exam, how I would decorate and organize my room. How I'd make a movie list and get my shelf stuffed up with romantic and classic novels...I am so not in the mood for study. Life is too short for doing things you don't wanna do.