spring is almost here

Confession#63

Nanu isn’t home. She’s gonna stay at her sister’s place for few days now. So yeah, finally got my room back. Freedom tastes good indeed!

I’m depressed! Don’t know why. No I don’t miss Nanu. It’s a different issue. My day wasn’t bad or anything, It was fine. Even better than fine. But ugh I don’t know…I just feel like crying it out. Something’s bothering me and I am ignoring it like it doesn’t have to do anything with myself. I have so much ahead of me, If I lose it, I’d lose everything of it.

I can bet none of my friends know how deeply depressed I’ve been. They don’t know because they see me always laughing at the stupidest and dumbest things on earth. They see me smiling splitting my mouth almost every day. I don’t blame them because any normal person would if they see me, probably think I am happy. In fact, they would think I am very much happy.

My friends should know when I am laughing too much at everything, I am actually trying to hide my pain, to drive my mind over something for a while, to avoid the frustration that crawls into me, and to shut the voices in my head.

But I can’t hide or avoid my feelings when I am alone. Like in the rickshaw on my way home. That moment gives me a hard time. I'd then start to think about how things are going with my life. And often it would depress me because things aren’t going that easy. I am at this stage of Make it or Break it. And time’s running out. I have everything, every freaking thing I need. I just have to work it out, do what I gotta do, but look at me. I am wasting it away. I am surrendering, which is scary at this point.

I cannot quit. I got to be strong. 

I am an insecure mess.

Confession#64

I guess McDreamy is not particularly but parallel to the reasons behind my depression. He’s being completely indifferent to me these days. Like I don’t exist to him anymore. It’s not like I want him to notice me every time I cross his path, just a simple glance would do. I want him to treat me like his all other students, scold me when I am too much talking. Last week, he spoke out my name when I was talking with the girl beside me during his roll call. But that was it. Just a warning. Just my name and “What’s the problem?” That’s all he said. It made me hopeless. I wanted to be scold, insulted and be sent out of the class.

And today when I made a huge sound pulling Ankan’s chair backward during his class he didn’t say anything to me. The whole class was startled hearing it and Ankan stumbled on her sit. He should’ve said, “That's not how you should behave in the class, Ra-mi-sa.” (He calls me like that, taking time at each syllable.) Instead he looked at me and asked who made that noise(he actually said-“Eta kon birale korlo?”). He saw me pulling Ankan’s chair out, he knew it was me. But didn’t say a word after that. That was painful. Seeing his indifference, blindness to my existence. Because whereas to me, in my mind, he exists everywhere.

He was in a very good mood today. He’s got his smile back which relieved me because I can’t really stand him all rough and tough. His talking off-topic, showing strictness, simplicity, his mimicking of a petni from Thakur mar jhuli, laughing at his own joke, advising like a pro, telling cute things about his son…is the time you’d know his old self is back.  

And I’m happy for him. I am happy that he’s smiling again. Doing things that make him look stupid but only lovable. He’s 36, who could say? Sometimes he would talk like a 7 year old boy. And I don’t blame him for the feelings that I endure having for him, I don’t blame him for not loving me back, because I see him as a free spirit. There’s no owning or possessing in love. That’s what I learned from “Eleven Minutes” by Paulo Coelho. That no one loses anyone for no one owns anyone. That we are each responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.

He was never mine. He’s just a person I long to be with. He doesn’t know any of this. And he doesn’t have to know about these thousand feelings that he-himself has caused me. He doesn't have to know.