Everly

 he reached out to me only to get a closure i guess. and last night, I cried and it's the only time i cried after a long time. I guess I just saw it coming. I let my mind be busy and not think about where we stand, just as an escape. yesterday, I had to face that, the pain, the past whatever it was. and weirdly enough he apologized to me. I never thought he would ever. It is a bit difficult to finally accept we are over and done. I guess I still find myself somewhere in him. And to lose that, is ...I don't know if I am still ready. But I have to be. We are not right for each other. He was a wrong decision I made only to pain myself.  what's done is done, and cannot be undone. I am moving on, I have opened my dating profile again. I bet there is someone out there for me, who will love me with 100 percent of their heart and won't use me for my body. 

 Life is good. it is busy, soul sucking, exhaustion but a good exhaustion. i like how things are now. my mind is almost diverted from him and i think, he knows too, we don't have much left to work on. i will however, talk with him, if only he reaches out to me, until then, i am tight lipped. i don't know if i have covid tho, everyday, i am a risk factor for my family. but these days, i don't overthink much. did some shopping today, so my mood is really good. i am taking one day at a time. pray for me. and my family.

 dear b, I have started going to office, well it is an unpaid internship, I have to do it for the sake of completing my degree. There is obviously a lot of risk associated with me getting exposed outside right now. People are dying still. And everyday there is a new number of people getting infected. And at this state, I am working in a bank, it had been only 2 days, I have 3 months to complete and I am just hoping I survive and not infect my parents or my brother. It is a decision, I made, and if something happens to them because of me, I will never be able to forgive myself. Ever.  It is kind of like I am tiptoeing around the virus which can kill my lungs. When I think about it, it does scare me. I don't know what is gonna happen in the next few months, and I am just putting everything on Allah's hand, if he puts me through it, he will take me through it. I am as much as possible being careful. Not getting close contact with people.  Let's see. Let's stay positive....

 I don't know what to say. The pandemic is not over yet. But people are treating it like it has been. And the vaccine is on the way. I am in a mental state where,  I don't have much break downs. I don't wanna jinx it. I had depressive episode weeks before but now I am kind of okay. My skin is healing. I am okay with my progress, my growth since this pandemic happened. I am tutoring again, on a regular basis. I am also learning a song on ukulele. I am also reading a novel called- The Little Women. And I am also listening to a podcast titled- The Self love fix by Beatrice. And from here, I got to learn some tips. For example- The source of your worth should not come from how much work you accomplished, or like how people validate you or like how much productive you've been. You should feel worthy just by existing. And when you find your worth from external things, when those things disappear or gets taken away from you, you will feel empty inside. And I couldn't agree...

 I sang in the shower today, and felt this amazing rush of joy. With the music on, we all get a bit of escape from the reality. I convinced my parents, well almost, to let me apply for internships/jobs. They are half halfheartedly convinced. I don't know, this pandemic is not gonna be over anytime soon and I just. I can't anymore. I am mentally so exhausted that I need some peace. And if this is a trade off with my physical well being- I just need to take this risk because if I don't, I might regret it later. And let us see what happens. What is in store for me out there. I wanna be out there, so much. SO MUCH.  I almost cried getting out after like over four months. I was so giddy and stupid, watching from my car. I loved every bit of it. And it felt like, I took a lot of things in my life for granted. I am not going to anymore.   

So tomorrow, we are planning to head outside for a bit. My parents, my brother.  That's all I've been looking forward to whole week. I know I shouldn't be too excited, hence it will fleet with the moment. Better to live in the present, live for the present...This pandemic is not over, but maybe, we can get through this. My cousin and aunt are in recovery. They didn't need special care, it was moderate, the level of symptoms. Hopefully, they'll be fully negative after few weeks.... I still couldn't find any jobs, well I am not applying much and also my parents won't let me work outside home for now. So, my career is in pause.  2 weeks after, my friends are planning to have like meet up. Which is risky I know. But I hope to stay safe until then. I hope I get permission to go out. He lives in that area. 2 weeks, down, .If I manage to go out, my hands would itch to reach out to him. I know it is not a good idea to meet. We don't keep in touch. It would be aw...