Everly

day 96 I am focusing on myself as much as I can. I am pampering myself. I am letting myself be lazy. I am whispering kind words to my body. I am telling it's okay, to relax. To not listen to other people's expectations of me, or 'idea' of me. I am telling myself, I am deserving of love and affection. I am telling myself, it is not a competition. I can grow in my own garden and let others grow beside me too.

Day 94 My father bought me my first ukulele. I am so excited. I learned 4 chords already, though I haven't mastered the art of a clear sound, because I suck at strumming...But you know what, everything new takes time to learn. And I have a lifetime, there is no exam to pass, this is for my soul.And what's more amazing than learning something for fun?

day 91 Felt  a bit feverish yesterday. My parents were worried sick. I am okay now, but I feel kind of lathergic. I stayed home all this time, I don't see a point in getting infected. It would be so ironic. My final semester's results were published. All I am left with now is the internship. I can't believe I almost finished my undergrad. Time moves fast. I kind of took a break from the routine. I wake up a bit late but sleep well at night. I am taking an out of sight, out of mind approach with him. I kind of restricted his feed on my social media, the less I see of him, the less I think about him. I hope I stay persistent on this techniic, I kind of cheated yesterday, took a peek after like a week of break but yeah from today, I am gonna be strict. Yesterday, a celebrity I loved and adored, hung himself at his flat...He was very successful. And this is the lesson here. We think that success defines mental serenity or satisfaction, it actually doesn't. You ca...

Day 86 I don't know why but I couldn't get access to blogger for couple of days. I am going to edit those post out. I kept it in a word file. I realized in those days how much this site means to me. I wanted to share my thoughts yet couldn't. I am so glad it's back again. The lockdown is over by the way. But we are self-quarantined. My university results will be published pretty soon. Can't believe I am done with all the courses. I haven't thought ahead. Applied for internship somewhere. Getting a job is gonna be tough. We don't know when things will finally be normal. People are still going to work in this situation. Life is tough.  Yesterday, I had a huge ugly cry. I felt very alone and scared. I have learned to get used to this lifestyle but still sometimes, everything becomes overwhelming.  I love that you're back dear B. I missed writing to you. 

Day 85  Today is my cheat day. I took a day off from my typical day. And finished a movie. I have been able to put myself into a routine. I read pages of a book every day, I do morning yoga, I take classes online. I go to bed early and wake up early. I cooked chicken curry today. This was my first cooked meal. Everybody loved it. I felt joy watching my parents being giddy about me. My mom said, I don’t have to worry about you anymore. Did I cure myself of depression and sadness? Well, it is a deep rooted problem, but I do feel lighter these days. I accept the sadness, I accept the uncertainty of future, I accept  that things are going to be difficult. And I roll with it. Whenever the black cloud hovers over my head, I look in the mirror, sometimes shed a tear or two and then I pick myself up. Ultimately, I have to be my own person. I have to be my own care-taker. It feels great sometimes, to be in control of my own life. I have learned to wash my clothes every day. It i...

Day 80 I downloaded 13 books, all focusing on self helps, and currently I am reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Too early to give a review on this. I barely started. I hope, I make the actual value out of this book because I need more than just a vocabulary boost. I ended up breaking into tears when I found him again on the dating app. Somehow, it is okay for me to go fish for men but not okay for him to find his dates, now that the lockdown is over. He put on a new picture on his profile. It is actually an old picture of him; I liked that picture very much. I told him once before how good his beard looked in that. I swiped left on him (cross) but my thumb was stuck on the screen for several minutes. I don’t know why, I felt so deeply upset. I think it was the final kick for me to get over him. To finally realize, we are actually done. He has moved on, he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore and we are just buddies online and nothing else. Not even buddies thou...

Day 73 The lock down will be over soon. However, there is no cure for the virus yet. Vaccines are on test run. I heard a news today, that it will be available mid June, I am not sure if it is valid. There is other news  on TV which said, it is expected that we will get it by November. I have been feeling hopeful about it. Yes, it would be difficult to get a job, such and such in the next few months. But all I care about now, is as long as my family is safe. I feel so grateful, that I have a roof over my head, I have a minimum wage tutoring job and that I found a mission today. My current goal is to work towards saving money for traveling. I will try looking into universities abroad meanwhile, but if I save enough and work enough on my current tutoring, I can visit Canada and my niece and my sister and have a retreat. I think I deserve a vacation. Of course, I need to work hard as my pay is minimum, and also it is gonna take me 6 months at least to save that much amount to bo...