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Day 80

I downloaded 13 books, all focusing on self helps, and currently I am reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Too early to give a review on this. I barely started. I hope, I make the actual value out of this book because I need more than just a vocabulary boost.

I ended up breaking into tears when I found him again on the dating app. Somehow, it is okay for me to go fish for men but not okay for him to find his dates, now that the lockdown is over. He put on a new picture on his profile. It is actually an old picture of him; I liked that picture very much. I told him once before how good his beard looked in that. I swiped left on him (cross) but my thumb was stuck on the screen for several minutes. I don’t know why, I felt so deeply upset. I think it was the final kick for me to get over him. To finally realize, we are actually done. He has moved on, he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore and we are just buddies online and nothing else. Not even buddies though, buddies would keep in touch. We don’t keep in touch.

I don’t know what hurts more. Maybe imagining that, he has a new girl to look forward to now, or that, he just doesn’t feel anything for me anymore to give effort to. I found myself obsessing over him more than I obsessed over him in the past few months. I found myself sleep deprived at night, thinking about him again. So many times, going over our past conversations, thinking back and forth what went wrong.

Honestly, it had been three months tops, with this guy. And we met for like five or six times. That is not sufficient to fall for each other. To get to know more deeply. For me, it is intense, maybe because I had all the firsts with him and I didn’t get my closure because of this bloody corona pandemic.

I will be okay. I mean I have to be okay. I can’t make myself unhappy for a person who I have no future with. He is there living his life without me being a problem, then why can’t I?

So I decided to read those books. I decided to fix my sleeping, for the thousandth time. I decided to do yoga twice a day. I decided to eat more, take care of my skin, to be happy and grateful and try finding things that energizes my soul. I decided that, my happiness cannot be of checking my phone constantly for updates on him. My happiness has to be of me, becoming the better version of myself, for me. Not for him.

The lockdown is over. But we are self-quarantined. Until the situation is under control, we cannot expose ourselves out there. People are still getting infected. 37 people died today in our country. May their souls rest in peace.


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