Everly

I feel so alone I feel the gloom hitting me hard I fell back again by the way He is a stupid fuck creating stupid illusions inside my head there's nothing sadder than this I was finally happy I can't go back to that pathetic self Save me. 

I almost had an accident today while crossing the road. I was alone. I didn't have anyone to help me. I just followed two strangers who happened to be reckless with their lives. And. Yeah. A motorbike just put break inches away from me. I almost cried at the flashlight. Bottom line is. I can't be on my own. I came home my heart still beating. I feel like everybody has someone in their life to be with when their parents aren't there. When my parents aren't with me, I am all alone.  I walked by the lane toward my apartment, feeling so alone. An outsider. An odd between the evens. It makes my eyes all watery when I watch people being themselves and still fitting in. I can't fit in. I am not blaming anybody for that. It is not my friend's duty to look after me, always make sure I am safe. This is something that I should be able to do myself. I am 23. I am not a baby. But most times I feel like I can't do anything right. I had pizza slices today I didn...

When I talk about depression to my father. He doesn't understand it. Instead he just tries to fix me. He thinks waking up in the morning and having breakfast is the only solution to all my problems. I know he's only got good intentions. But he just doesn't get it, does he? I know talking about how my life could've been better, is a bad choice of words because, it only hurts him. He thinks, I am not happy because he couldn't give me the life. That's not what I intended to say. I wanted to create a life for myself, I wanted him to believe in me, since childhood I wanted to become my own person. Living on his money, on his hard work and constantly being pushed around as a 'problematic child' was not my dream. He just doesn't get it, I am not happy not because we aren't rich. I am not happy because, I feel lost. I feel frustrated with myself, how so little self esteem I have and how I just feel like a waste of space. My emotions go out of con...

long time no post? Well I've been down for a while. This semester was brutal. I had classes six days a week. And 8 am classes too. But I did fairly well. I mean I wanted straight A's but A minus is not so bad either. I am not so disappointed. Though I had been thinking about dropping Finance as my second major...It is kind of a pain in the ass, so I might be considering just marketing. Let's see what happens. 6 months to go! I had lost connection with myself. Stress have got me. I am on break now. Feeling like a blunt existence again....I also lost my interest to journal. I might just leave this blog here. I don't know. There's gonna be very few posts from now on. I am not myself these days. I am just going with the flow like a dead fish.

saw my dad crying over a video in his phone today. we were on road in our car. the song was ay khuku ay. maybe he misses my sister. I cannot believe it's been over a year. I haven't seen her. She is in a far away country living with her husband and my niece. I miss them so much. i don't understand this. why did Allah create such web of infatuation.  i only know i am gonna lose people i love. everything is gonna end. I am gonna be dead. I may watch people die before me. the whole thing sickens me. why does it have to be this way. I mean why does it have to be a cycle of life and death? Why can't this duniya be permanent for all? Why Allah give us such love and care in human forms and take them away? I haven't lived. I am not living. I am just doing what I am told. Getting my degree so i can end up somewhere, survive. i feel like i am not so capable. i always feel that. I could've done so much. I didn't do. Now i am 23 and my father is getting old befor...

i told myself it did not happen draped that memory down almost as if it's possible it is hidden beneath but sometimes  it peeks  and makes me feel like an aged woman my memory isn't sharp i wish it was i always forget things,  passwords, chat threads, memes i already read and laughed our minds cannot process all information it knows ultimately  the cloud will contain things work like that now you forget, you retrieve.