Everly

You know what I've learned this year? You just have to let go of it all. You can't force friendship. You can't please everyone. You can't make other person like you. LIKE YOU just doing everything nice, everything right and everything well. I suck at these things. All I know is if somebody doesn't count you in, you better count that person out. I guess I am doing that now. Batman is out. I once cared for him a lot but he doesn't give a rat's ass so he is out of my life. I mean I still have to see him a lot, T is best friends with him. He hurt me a lot. I used to be fond of him you see. One day, he just decided to hurt me, make me realize I don't even exist as a person in his life whilst I made long term plans for our friendship. So he is out. I crop him out. He is out. He is just. Poof. GONE.

I've been craving ice-cream and babies.

There is a thing called fate. Do I believe in it? Technically, No. Metaphorically, Yes. I believe there are dots everywhere, each connects to the other and leads the way. When I look back into my past, I don't look at some dots, scattering all around, I see a chain, a connection of some sort. And a contribution that brought me to the present. I don't know why I felt the need to say this. I just felt that all my life, I had accepted where I stood. Which I shouldn't. I shouldn't give up. I shouldn't stop at where I am now. This must go on. My life can't pause into thinking about one man in particular. I can't waste my time thinking what could be with just that guy. He doesn't count in my future. Or maybe I would see him around. But I can't jeopardize my present thinking about what ifs. Daydreaming about being loved and cared for when the truth is. He might just not be into the bigger picture. He might just be a fluke or a valueless, timeless obses...

I ship them! I ship Turtle Dove and Batman. Sometimes, when they talk to each other about movies or songs or the things they know so well, I stare at them and scream "JUST MARRY EACH OTHER ALREADY!" of course inside of my mind. If I actually did scream I don't think they'd be with me anymore. But how cute are they! I mean seriously! They're so alike and synchronized. I honestly think they should be a couple. But who am I kidding. T doesn't like him that way and I don't know what goes inside of B's mind. Could be that he likes her but gave up on her. Maybe he thought being friends with her would be the easiest way out and he would get hurt lesser that way....I DON'T KNOW I JUST WANT THEM TO BE TOGETHER FOR ETERNITY IF ETERNITY LASTED BECAUSE THEY ARE SO DAMN CUTE!SO singer guy. He looks weird now. I liked his beard. Now that his beard is gone, I feel like his manliness kinda shrank. Why did he have to shave? WHY. But he called me cute today. That...

You know what? I am just gonna concentrate on being a 20 year old from now on. Adult. Responsible 20 year old.

My brother and I, we are twins, but there are so many ways in which we are different. He hasn't got the stubbornness that I have in me. He doesn't get inspired to do anything, like ever! And now with the mental condition, his cynical behavior multiplied. And I can't see him like this. I feel like we are all drowning with him, we are in the same ship. I hate the fact that, I can't make him. My own baggage full of crap, scares me. How am I gonna carry him to the shore? If he is not willing to do anything? And if something happens to  our parents, it would break us all. I don't know what horror that would bring to our family. I just don't know.

First. Valentines day. I spent it with my friends, from turtle dove's roof, songs, lanterns in the sky, everything was magical. Then Me, Nalu and Sumu had a little adventure...We were almost chased by German Shepherd. Actually no, it was chained and it only barked. But was enough to make us run like bunch of crazies down the lane quarter past nine. The weather was chilly and I didn't think about what my parents would say getting home this late. I lied to them in the first place, told them I was doing group study at my friend's house.... Anyway, I felt awesome first time in a long time. Okay. So yesterday. I learned three chords on ukulele, he taught me for like one hour and half. I never felt so dumb...It took so much time to pick up a tune. I wonder how he had the nerve. He said he would buy me one if I learn how to play it up to his expectation....I think it was very sweet of him. See? I am falling for him again. I am such an easy peasy. UGH. Again. WHY WHY WHY ca...