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 Hi B, 

I am at this point of my life where I can either play the blame game and be a victim or be in charge of fixing my life. Searching for jobs has been so frustrating. However, I can't give up on it. I know I will get a job by this year and things will get easier. 

I am trying to show up for myself every day instead of seeking refuge in my bed. I am trying to be consistent. I am trying out a new thing called content creation. I am working out at least 20 minutes a day. Somedays I do feel lazy but I still make myself do at least something. I have emotional breakdowns often and I get disappointed at my husband too for not being a good husband sometimes but then again, he is not in charge of my life. I can't simply expect that. I guess I am just trying to navigate through this mess called 'life.' 

What made me realize is that without work there won't be any outcomes. I can't just simply sit on my ass all day and expect results. I have had enough of this. I moved to Canada in May 2024 and it is already February 2025. It is almost a year now. It is not fair to me that I sit idly and binge watch shows. I am at least not that privileged to do so. 

I am learning things about 'love' too. I am learning that you have to put on effort on yourself too to be loved. I am not saying it is a bad thing. We should reach to the best version of ourselves for the person we love. We deserve it to ourselves. We deserve ourselves to enjoy the best version of ourselves and to honour the love we have for other person. I did kind of stopped working on myself after marriage. I can either put the blame on my husband or actually take some accountability for it. One thing I equally like and dislike about him is that he will never sugarcoat things for me. He would openly and brutally criticize me, which made me toughen up. We did have our fights and issues but at the end of the day, we always know we love each other and that will not get affected. He made me see, I need a purpose and he is not wrong. I do. 

So I am working on finding my purpose along with finding a job. I just have to start reading books again, work on self esteem, work on my diet, make myself tougher and better. I owe it to myself. 


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