Everly

 Did some shopping today.   Feeling kinda good :) Also today's the last day of January. 1 month down from 2021. Huh. I don't know how I feel about that. February, I totally dedicate to my friend's wedding.  Also, somebody just asked me out on a valentines date. I didn't say yes. I don't know if I am ready to go out for date again. I know I should be. But I feel kinda vulnerable. So taking things super, duper slow. That's the update! I don't date, I update!  haha. I should stop. Bye.

 Gloom hit me. And I am doing everything I can, well in my mind, I am doing my best, trying not to fall into the pit. I am pms-ing too, so at least I know whatever  I am feeling right now, it is consequential and will pass, hopefully. I am feeling really, really alone. I miss those giddy feelings, first attractions, first goofy flirting. There are men lined up in my dms but they are all stuck up. Sometimes I wonder, am I gonna end up like this? Is this how it is from now on? There was this video on staying optimistic. It said, being optimistic, is not being impractical or like blindly trusting the fate. It's about believing that there's light out at the end of the dark tunnel.  I have always, picked myself up, over and over. I have always, after a huge let down, believed there's something promised for me and the universe is only looking out for me.  You know what's weird? I am aware that I am falling, I am in despair and still there's another part. probably the wise...

Yesterday, I stayed over at my friend's place. We had her bridal shower the day before. And after having such great time, me, 'I' simply cannot carry on with the rest of my life, without coming back here and write a few words on it. I got high, smoked again, I can't remember how many cigarettes...Well I wouldn't say I am addicted but these days, whenever I smoke with my friends, I don't just smoke 'a' cigarette,  it ranges between 5-10. Whatever, as long as it's not a regular thing...I should be fine.  I remember feeling anxious around lot of new people. Here's the thing. My friends are super social. So at her shower, there were bunch of her other friends, and they were really really pretty and they carry themselves well, which made me look like a fish out of water. But I wasn't a huge mess. I put of ton of makeup and tried my best. I had a really good time. We played 'card against humanity' which is a really cool card game btw. And h...

 I had been having vivid dreams since last night and whenever I nap. I don't have much recollection of what I had seen but it was like a mashup of things that goes in my head. It weren't all pretty. I woke up with my heart beating fast, a very gloom state of mind and I remember having like a sound effect. The sound mirrored the car horns that were outside, but it was much intense as if the cars were right beside me.  At one point I was saying to myself- Please don't let it be schizophrenia! My brother was diagnosed with this disease around late 2016 and I remember what a trauma it was. He acted so strange and that affected me mentally, I was always crying, thinking our family will never be the same again. Now it is actually much better, he recovered, well I would say, coped with it, had medication. He is doing well physically, mentally, academically, socially...I cannot but be grateful. But when I remember those gloomy times, it fills up my chest with horrors. I never want ...

 I have been binging on true crime stories these days. I always had a thing for it, like I would legit watch documentaries, see graphic images even though it sickened me to the core. Just knowing how the killings took place, and the detectives figuring all out, the suspense, the flipping discoveries, everything just kind of fascinates me. I do feel bad about the families who go through such trauma of losing their dear ones like that abnormal way, but the stories compel me with lot of emotions and shock and I get consumed in it.  Today I was thinking that, I should put myself in a routine again. My sleeping cycle has been fucked. I was thinking that maybe I should start working out, like just basics to keep myself active. I oversleep nowadays and feel drown out...I also want to re-watch Dexter again. This was one of my most favorite tv show, I was in my late teens when I started watching it on TV, it was pretty graphic, and I didn't have a laptop so when I downloaded it, I had ...

 Dear B, Thank you for sticking up with me all these years. Although you're just a space for me to record my thoughts, I still count you as something. My digital therapist, maybe?  Happy New Year!  I think I speak for everyone when I say, 2020 was one hell of a ride. We did get a fleeting moment of happiness before pandemic took over the world. Not entirely bad, maybe mostly bad mixed with good and a lot of life teachings and lessons.  I am grateful that I survived it with my family and friends and here we are, seeing the face of 2021, sounds so futuristic, I hope we overcome the pandemic and get back to the days where we can hug each other again without worrying about getting infected. Obviously, the expectation set for this year would be much less than the previous, but I do hope for better days ahead. Maybe I am not so ambitious or materialistic now, the end goal for 21 would be to survive and be content and find my inner peace. I love that, I haven't lost my moti...