Everly

Each day it is getting harder to find meaning, a purpose. Day 127.

My morning pep talk: Self growth happens when you don't settle for who you are and you believe you can be better, you can live better. There is no shortcut to success other than working hard, it is not a day's work, success is written when you do it consistently, when you don't give up on your goal. You will never be happy if your happiness depends upon pleasing others. It is a fact. Be kind to others but don't let their expectations guide you. Or don't fall victim to your own expectations of them. It is okay to not be loved, it is okay to be forgotten, it is okay to miss someone who doesn't feel for you as much. Maybe the reason you're missing them is, they are not available. It could be simply the lack of attention. Try detaching your emotions from your physical needs. Sometimes, we feel lonely because we are horny. We are not mentally attached, we are physically craving. It is okay, it is biological. It is okay to take a break from a ...

No matter how many times I have to pick myself up, I will be there to pick myself up. No matter, how much I feel like, I can't go on, being happy, I start to look for ways to make me happy, and even sometimes, MOST TIMES, it doesn't work, I still persistently somehow make it work, make it at least, to survival of the soul. No matter, how broken I feel, I mend those pieces together, with tenderness and compassion and I stand up and I carry myself, I take care of my heart. Everything that I need is within me. I don't have to look elsewhere. It is here. I cried to the point, where I felt, it is not possible to get over it and it felt so heavy and I didn't see a point in working on myself, for someone again. Today, I was feeling mentally down, since the morning but I don't know what happened, sort of like a magic, I realized,  I don't need him to want me. I don't need him altogether. His course in my life has ran out. I shouldn't drag this anymore. I shou...

when it is true love, which- is a controversial subject- they said, when it is actually love, the person would have the same wavelength as you. Meaning, you both would reach the same frequency. And it would be easy. You wouldn't feel like you have to work on yourself. You will be accepted as you are. Is it actually that easy? To find someone like that? And my question is, does it sustain? Do men sustain? I am so conflicted about this. I am still searching for that person. I want to feel happy, I really do. I don't want to wait for a guy to call me, I don't want a guy who doesn't remember to check in on me, or even care a bit. And make this false promises that he would. I am tired of this, B. I am tired putting myself out there and getting hurt again. It is like- I have all this love to give but nobody's there to want it. How do I miss someone who doesn't miss me as much or maybe has forgotten me. How do I remember all the microscopic details about someone...

Day- I just don't wanna count anymore. Is this an endemic? How long?  I never imagined this would be my state of worrying, I never imagined, this would be a problem, a traumatic event, that will shape our lifestyle and everything connected to our daily activities. Can you believe, you can't even hug when you need it so badly, you can't even touch the other person, when that could be the only thing you need for mental strength, a shoulder to cry on to when you're sick, when you're having trouble to breathe, when you don't know you can make it. Where is the sense of healing, when you have to isolate yourself completely and take care of yourself, practically, without getting others infected in the process, though you need mental support. This pandemic is a trauma for each and everyone in this world, because we still don't know how to prevent it completely, this micro organism against our body, we cannot, even though as many safety measures we take, see...

Day #121 Last couple of years, I kept on whining on me being broke, I would cry myself to sleep just because I couldn't afford expensive things, lipstick, shoes, clothes. I look at my life right now, I am not rich, or fully financially independent but I can afford myself almost of the things, I once thought were important. These things, once you get it, becomes, almost like, you know.  Today I can't go outside, for a coffee, for an expensive lunch, for shopping, and I am almost convinced, once pandemic is over, once I do all these things, I again will not feel sad.  But again, it won't mean anything, if I can't be with the people I love. The people that matters to me. Nothing, no materialistic things can replace human connection.  And I realize this.  And I maybe where I wanted to be, but everything feels kind of same. Incomplete.  But the only difference is, I learned how to live with it. You just keep going, no matter what. Keep going, ...

Day #115 One of my aunts got covid positive today. She has blood pressure and underlying health condition. My cousin sister is so worried and terrified, I can't imagine the things she is going through right now. Her dad passed away when she was in high school. Now my aunt is sick, it must be very tough for her. Hearing the news put me into perspective. This life is so unexpected. My aunt didn't even go out. Getting the virus was very unfortunate. I hope she recovers from this. I am going to start praying again. I am going to start waking up in the morning again. I had a depressive episode, now it's time to get up from it and count my blessings. Anyone reading this, I hope this finds you well. I hope you're okay, physically and mentally. We are all going through this together, the whole world. I know. Nothing is normal anymore. Every thing is topsy-turvy since this pandemic. This whole year and the upcoming year, is going to be a difficult one. We don't know...

Day #113 55 people died today. The number is always fluctuating. When you look at it as a number, a statistic, you would think, a country with almost over 161 million, having death rates with 2 digits isn't much but if you put them on a microscope, this 55 people have families, among them are somebody's fathers, mothers, daughters, sons. Everyday people are getting infected and it is not new anymore. We sit in front of the TV with our afternoon tea and watch the briefing with concern that, this virus thing ain't going anywhere anytime soon. This is our life now. At home. When all our lives are still at risk. Stress, financial condition, the economy moreover the health, both psychological and physical. My friend texted last night, how she just wants 2020 to be over. And I couldn't agree more. This year is a complete blunder. It messed us all up. I don't look at the future anymore, I don't wanna think what would come next, I only dream backward now. When we had...

Day #109 Honestly. I am just so sick of reaching out to random men from online app. I am done. I am not in a happy state to flirt or to entertain, myself or the other. I feel alone and it is okay. Quarantining over 100 days at home is tough enough. And I am human, a social being and craving to connect with someone, is absolutely fine and I don't feel guilty about it. But I legit, broke down when one night, I talked with this stranger and he was being himself, talking and talking and I found myself feeling, bored and utterly inadequate and mentally unequipped to enjoy the conversation we were having. Part of me wanted to say, you know what, I am not up for this for tonight, but I don't know why I felt like staying for a bit because I felt like, having someone on the line is less lonely. I stayed but I couldn't say or share much. It turned awkward and heavy and I started feeling drained out and we had a small clash of personalities, he was too outspoken and opinionated wh...

I had a legit break down and I am on the verge of making so many bad decisions.