Day 71
Last night I had a mental breakdown. I kept thinking back all the good memories this year, and it traced back to him. We don't talk anymore. Like the old times. And after wallowing and soaking my face with tears, I realized, I am such a micro portion of his life. I stalked his instagram like a textbook, I occasionally do that. It makes me feel more insecure, because he got a lot of going on for himself. And the pictures he likes of girls, they look so perfect, with their bodies and with their fancy backgrounds. And here I am. Such a mess.
I know perfect is an illusion. And I know, I have said, we will meet again after lock down but I am not so sure anymore. The idea of us is fading. He probably sees us as some fling that has flung by now. And he probably will not miss me. Because this is normal for him. He has done it before. And he will do it again, with someone else. Or he will find someone to be in a serious relationship with. And that's just not with me.
You know, realizing this, has pained me more than all the other subordinating facts. When I try distracting my mind with other guys on my DM, he is still sneaking up in my mind with all the moments I had with him. Some were great and some were super hurtful to my ego. I am so insecure about my body and he had many times, made it sure I knew I am not beautiful or sexy. I feel like I am not enough. Before him, I knew I was enough to be loved, adored, cherished. Now I am not so sure.
My logical self, screams of letting him go. And I have let him go, on paper, I have. I don't demand him calling me anymore. I don't tell him I need you anymore. I don't text when he is online. But I haven't let him go truly because, under the brave face I put on, I am still waiting on him. To call me. To text. And probably after the lock down, I would expect to meet him again. And who knows. He would probably say he is busy or something and I don't know if I am ready to take rejection from him. To actually make up my mind, he is gone. He is never going to be the special someone. He is never going to be his old self again, who was trying hard to make an impression. He figured me out. He doesn't want me anymore.
I will be okay. I just need to stop holding on to things. These are not going to be my last good memories with a man. Someday, someone will come and sweep me off my feet. And I don't have to worry about being resented the next day or any day.
You know what they say- Love should be easy as breathing. You should feel great, most part of it.
I am waiting for such love. I am waiting for such man.
I will be okay. I just need more time for accepting and forgiving and forgetting.
Last night I had a mental breakdown. I kept thinking back all the good memories this year, and it traced back to him. We don't talk anymore. Like the old times. And after wallowing and soaking my face with tears, I realized, I am such a micro portion of his life. I stalked his instagram like a textbook, I occasionally do that. It makes me feel more insecure, because he got a lot of going on for himself. And the pictures he likes of girls, they look so perfect, with their bodies and with their fancy backgrounds. And here I am. Such a mess.
I know perfect is an illusion. And I know, I have said, we will meet again after lock down but I am not so sure anymore. The idea of us is fading. He probably sees us as some fling that has flung by now. And he probably will not miss me. Because this is normal for him. He has done it before. And he will do it again, with someone else. Or he will find someone to be in a serious relationship with. And that's just not with me.
You know, realizing this, has pained me more than all the other subordinating facts. When I try distracting my mind with other guys on my DM, he is still sneaking up in my mind with all the moments I had with him. Some were great and some were super hurtful to my ego. I am so insecure about my body and he had many times, made it sure I knew I am not beautiful or sexy. I feel like I am not enough. Before him, I knew I was enough to be loved, adored, cherished. Now I am not so sure.
My logical self, screams of letting him go. And I have let him go, on paper, I have. I don't demand him calling me anymore. I don't tell him I need you anymore. I don't text when he is online. But I haven't let him go truly because, under the brave face I put on, I am still waiting on him. To call me. To text. And probably after the lock down, I would expect to meet him again. And who knows. He would probably say he is busy or something and I don't know if I am ready to take rejection from him. To actually make up my mind, he is gone. He is never going to be the special someone. He is never going to be his old self again, who was trying hard to make an impression. He figured me out. He doesn't want me anymore.
I will be okay. I just need to stop holding on to things. These are not going to be my last good memories with a man. Someday, someone will come and sweep me off my feet. And I don't have to worry about being resented the next day or any day.
You know what they say- Love should be easy as breathing. You should feel great, most part of it.
I am waiting for such love. I am waiting for such man.
I will be okay. I just need more time for accepting and forgiving and forgetting.
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