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Day 46

I relapsed. He called, and I melted like a Popsicle in heat.Tried to find rehab in other men, but it doesn't work that way. Remember when I said, getting over someone is all about persistence and resistance? Well, fuck that, I have to start from scratch again.
He was as usual, not trying to fix anything or work on things between us, he was just curious about what's been up with me these days and I was being all fluttery and I was telling him how much I missed him. I was so raw with my emotions. He missed me too but it wasn't an equation. I am more invested in him than he is in me and this is not gonna work. I appreciate him calling me, but like I said, he didn't try to fix anything, we are where we are. He will call me whenever he feels like it and will pop in and out of my life whenever he wishes to. I am not and never going to be his priority.

I was so proud of myself all these days, for controlling emotions and staying focused. But it's been three days since he called and I had been into constant over-thinking and analyzing his moves and it is definitely not healthy. I have to again, find myself, get myself together. My life cannot revolve around some guy who is not interested in me. I have to make myself number one priority and I am working towards that. Enough is enough. I will not let myself get carried away again.

It is good to know that he is there. Like we are not completely broken off. But I have to stop waiting for his call. I have to stop thinking and fantasizing that he completes me. And I have to sort this out. Like I can't be six feet deep into this mess. I have to pull myself up. I am drawn to him by this mysterious energy...I have to save myself as much as I can before it's too late.

There. I had to vent. Thank you for always being my mental support. I guess I really feel good after writing how I feel. It's the best possible therapy I have in this household.

Operation: Self Empowerment

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