Day 42
I have a bit of a cough today, I hope I am not infected. There's a guy in our building who's positive.
I am only scared to spread. My parents both have health conditions, one has high BP another has Diabetes. So if by any chance they get infected, my whole world is gonna crash... I don't know how to be adult yet. The fact that, this virus is so contagious, people are not gonna come forward to help, even your own relatives. And you can't blame them. The world is super dark right now. I hope we find a cure of this. Otherwise, there's gonna be a great depression in the upcoming months. I don't wanna think about this. I am stuck at home, these thoughts will eat me up whole.
He is still in my mind right now. It's like being impossible to focus on the other things rather than us. This morning, I was almost considering to get back with him, send him something sweet or just talk like the normal days. But then I realized, he is not trying. He follows my posts on social media and stuff but that's not 'trying'. Trying is when you call and say, "What's up with us?"
I already texted him last time I wanna talk with him. This is what I want. He knows what I want. Why can't he just try? I didn't want him to small talk me. Last time we talked it was almost unbearable and awkward. We both didn't have anything to say after the confusing 'text exchange'. Are we actually over?
Should I reach out to him? Didn't I try enough? I told him I was falling for him. If he actually considered me he would've called. If he actually missed me, would've called and said that. He shares sad songs on instagram stories and if he's expecting me to get some 'signal' out of it, he should be stupid. Why can't men straight out say it? Like is it too much? To say I miss you ? Is it too much for their ego?
I am traumatized by Covid-19 situation. I don't think I will ever be able to hug/kiss/touch anybody and after the lock down, if we meet up, I don't know how to react. Like what are we gonna be? Friends with benefits? Where's the benefit? He doesn't even talk to me anymore, we don't even have a deeper connection other than our past selves and we don't even do hookup or 'foreplay' then what are we gonna be? Friends? Even friendship is better than this confusing shit.
I also investigated him on google. Trying to find some dirt on him, with the hope that it will help me get over how 'nice and amazing guy' he is. I found out a blog post, titled after his previous 'startup', which he was a co-founder, his former colleague wrote it. The post was about why and how the startup just crumbled. And I was surprised to learn some bitter things to read about him. Apparently he didn't spend a single penny on it and he didn't even have any technical knowledge or experience, he was simply handling the social media and stuff. And his colleague also wrote after the termination of their partnership he wasn't happy with the amount of shares he was assigned and I also read that despite his lack of contribution, he convinced the foreign partner, having skype conversations with her and manipulated her to double his salary. There was more on the aspects of why this startup failed and I don't know how I feel after reading such thing about him. And it's on the web? His full name there and the fact that he demanded fifty percent of the company where he invested zero money on? It doesn't look so good on him and the fact that he went behind his co-founder's back and did such a thing for salary...I mean this may seem like a very corporate thing to do, but I don't have respect for such men, honestly, I despise entitled men. And that post made him look like that.
I mean, sure this is one side of the story. I don't know if it's true. But it sure did shock me. I only know him couple of months and I don't know how actually is as a person. I don't even know if he is playing me. I have shared so much with him, I never with anyone. I just hope he is a good man, a man of integrity. I don't like people who play games, who does chivalry, they're never my type.
I have a bit of a cough today, I hope I am not infected. There's a guy in our building who's positive.
I am only scared to spread. My parents both have health conditions, one has high BP another has Diabetes. So if by any chance they get infected, my whole world is gonna crash... I don't know how to be adult yet. The fact that, this virus is so contagious, people are not gonna come forward to help, even your own relatives. And you can't blame them. The world is super dark right now. I hope we find a cure of this. Otherwise, there's gonna be a great depression in the upcoming months. I don't wanna think about this. I am stuck at home, these thoughts will eat me up whole.
He is still in my mind right now. It's like being impossible to focus on the other things rather than us. This morning, I was almost considering to get back with him, send him something sweet or just talk like the normal days. But then I realized, he is not trying. He follows my posts on social media and stuff but that's not 'trying'. Trying is when you call and say, "What's up with us?"
I already texted him last time I wanna talk with him. This is what I want. He knows what I want. Why can't he just try? I didn't want him to small talk me. Last time we talked it was almost unbearable and awkward. We both didn't have anything to say after the confusing 'text exchange'. Are we actually over?
Should I reach out to him? Didn't I try enough? I told him I was falling for him. If he actually considered me he would've called. If he actually missed me, would've called and said that. He shares sad songs on instagram stories and if he's expecting me to get some 'signal' out of it, he should be stupid. Why can't men straight out say it? Like is it too much? To say I miss you ? Is it too much for their ego?
I am traumatized by Covid-19 situation. I don't think I will ever be able to hug/kiss/touch anybody and after the lock down, if we meet up, I don't know how to react. Like what are we gonna be? Friends with benefits? Where's the benefit? He doesn't even talk to me anymore, we don't even have a deeper connection other than our past selves and we don't even do hookup or 'foreplay' then what are we gonna be? Friends? Even friendship is better than this confusing shit.
I also investigated him on google. Trying to find some dirt on him, with the hope that it will help me get over how 'nice and amazing guy' he is. I found out a blog post, titled after his previous 'startup', which he was a co-founder, his former colleague wrote it. The post was about why and how the startup just crumbled. And I was surprised to learn some bitter things to read about him. Apparently he didn't spend a single penny on it and he didn't even have any technical knowledge or experience, he was simply handling the social media and stuff. And his colleague also wrote after the termination of their partnership he wasn't happy with the amount of shares he was assigned and I also read that despite his lack of contribution, he convinced the foreign partner, having skype conversations with her and manipulated her to double his salary. There was more on the aspects of why this startup failed and I don't know how I feel after reading such thing about him. And it's on the web? His full name there and the fact that he demanded fifty percent of the company where he invested zero money on? It doesn't look so good on him and the fact that he went behind his co-founder's back and did such a thing for salary...I mean this may seem like a very corporate thing to do, but I don't have respect for such men, honestly, I despise entitled men. And that post made him look like that.
I mean, sure this is one side of the story. I don't know if it's true. But it sure did shock me. I only know him couple of months and I don't know how actually is as a person. I don't even know if he is playing me. I have shared so much with him, I never with anyone. I just hope he is a good man, a man of integrity. I don't like people who play games, who does chivalry, they're never my type.
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