Skip to main content
Let me sugarcoat things for you.
My eyes cry enough. My heart gets tired but my eyes don't. I resent my parents now and then. I try to shout as loud as possible, as a last hope of them to understand what I've been feeling inside. But only in void. Because they don't know how badly I don't wanna live. How pointless everything is to me now.
I am on my semester break now. My father wakes me up every morning for breakfast. He has bitten me on days, I didn't want to wake up. I swallow whatever's on my plate and go back to sleep. My bed. Smells like depression. My bed is like a hug in the daylight, when I don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to remember who I am, what am I doing with my life. I sleep till my father wakes me up again. For lunch. I eat fast as I can and immediately go back to sleep. This is my life now. I am barely awake. Times I am awake, I watch something. And cry myself to sleep. There's nothing going on beyond that. Just nothing.
I decided to go on. Whatever life has it. I want to see how much this body can bear. How much my mind can convince what a waste of space I am. This year I have no resolution. I have given up.

I don't see myself fulfilling any of my dreams.
I'm just done.







Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

spring is almost here

Hi B,  Season is changing. The hard days are almost over.  The city I live in has turned so beautiful, I get overwhelmed by the beauty.  Tulips are in. Cherry blossoms are blossoming.  Magnolia, Beautiful white flowers, name unknown to me.  Taking a walk out feels like a celebration of life.  It feels like I'm falling in love with the city.  I remember when I first moved here 2 years ago, the excitement and the crippling anxiety of starting a new life from scratch. Now, after 2 years, I feel a warmth and love for the place.  I don't know if I would feel the same when the winter comes though. Seasonal depression is no joke.  My new mantra for life now is to chill.  Praise the nature and find pretty little corners in the city.  Write poems.  Paint, maybe.  Seek positivity.  Love. Be kind to self. No rush. Read books. Just flow.
Post a Comment
Read more

long distance again

 I came back from my trip. It was amazing 2 weeks of my life. Seeing him again after so long felt strange yet peaceful. I finally got to be in his arms again. 2 weeks flew by and now I am back home and back to work and normal hustle and bustle of life.  He got an extension offer and decided to stay for another 3 months. It is sad because he was supposed to be back next month. He asked me if he should take it and despite having my heart aching I supported him in the decision. It is not confirmed yet but he probably be staying another 3. Another 5 months of long distance. How am I going to survive the winter by myself? I don't know. Honestly, in my heart, I don't care about how much compensation he be getting. I miss him so much and this long distance thing is killing me inside. Today is Friday night and instead of cuddles and movie, I am home alone. No plans to look forward. No one to talk to. I am the loneliest girl on earth right now. He is probably sleeping and not picking u...
Post a Comment
Read more

winter together

 Dear B,  Sorry I've been so MIA. Here's the update you missed - My husband came back! He wasn't approved for those 3 months of extension. I've been getting enough cuddles and kisses to survive this winter.  Yes, winter is here. Never underestimate the Canadian winter. It's the worst. Everything is grey and dark. However, I am looking forward to going home in March. I'm so excited to see my friends again. Most importantly my parents and brother. It feels a strange kind of feeling. I am planning to 'visit' the place I was born and call home. It is definitely a new kind of feeling.  Things been okay. We are okay. I am glad to have him back.  We bought a new couch and a coffee table. It's still in back order and I'm impatiently waiting for them to arrive.  Can't believe only 4 days left to 2026. Time is flying so quick. Hope we talk again, B. I swear I missed you!
Post a Comment
Read more