Everly

don't need to freak out, I am alive. I had mid terms and it all was too exhausting. 

felt the urge to cut myself again my thumb has a scratch on it my mother bit me today slapped me because i wanted to go out and it is dark ourside my cousins called me said they wanted to hangout I miss them, i do. Plans got cancelled anyway. I screamed at the top of my lungs because i am frustrated at all of them and maybe myself I don't care what the neighbors think. Sincerely I don't. Why am I here, when I breathe I don't feel like I am breathing My mom opened my tear gate again and this is supposed to be my year. I am supposed to grow up and not be sad anymore. they don't know how much is going on in my head. She doesn't know how much I am hurt. How much I wanted us to work out. How much I wanted to love her, the way she is. How much I wanted to be loved as her daughter She never wanted me the way I am. I can't forgive her for how she is to me. I can never be the way she wants me to be.  I locked myself because I don...

  "She was becoming herself and daily casting aside that fictitious self which we assume like a garment with which to appear before the world." — Kate Chopin, "The Awakening"

Music Guy was furious when he learned that we'd been making fun of him and Riley behind his back. Makeup Girl told him. She thought he would take it as a joke. But it brought all kinds of drama. He hates us now. I mean by the look of his face and his aloof behavior I think we reached a conclusion. He is never going to be nice with us again... He doesn't understand the fact that, it was not about him, it was about Riley and Freddy's relationship and her desperateness that was so visible and we made fun of that not him. Nalu was right, He is a drama queen. Anyway, I was bored and had to inform you about how's things going with my social life...My niece is leaving for Canada in 12 days and I can't imagine how much depressed I am going to be without seeing her that long, not being able to physically see her grow up and talk....Oh gosh that's gonna be tough. I have dyed my hair, it is kind of golden-hazel now- only at the ends. I don't look too bad. Enjoying...

Said so yourself you earned this, And just threw them all away For a little doubt and fabricated lies

Isn't it tragic having the bluntest weekend possible after an eventful weekday? I still can't forget what happened that night. I was so out of my league. It makes my insides curl....What do they think of me? Of how I behaved ? I just can't seem to put it to rest. I am so embarrassed. Talking about self-centered people. I am one. I just..No matter how much I want to cover up, how much I want to forget the night, I keep having visualizations of the silliness and just...I shouldn't have done it. It was a mistake. I am too poised to go behind my parent's back...But I needed a taste of...I needed to have a story, a taste of adventure and I guess this was my only opportunity to have it, and I half way regret it but a part of me still likes the outer aspects of the story of being stoned that I would tell people and laugh... Let's distract my mind for a bit...I am done contemplating and detouring guilt trips...So it is 4.50 am, I got messed up my sleeping hours aga...

SO I woke up today with shame, guilt and a lot of "WHAT JUST HAPPENED YESTERDAY" feels. We were first sitting in a circle, passing the joint to one another, I was trying to imitate what others were doing, and maybe I could do it the third and fourth time correctly, I inhaled it. I was constantly asking everyone if I was high. And constantly laughing at this stupid joke. "Are you high? Na Ami High Na, Ami Shingho." ( I am not Hyena, I'm lion) I think one of them told me this and I was uncontrollably laughing because of it. And the worst decision was listening songs in my headphone, because I kind of lost it with Rihanna's Work, work, work....Embarrassing as hell....Thank god my friends were there to take care of me... I didn't go university today...because of the embarrassment I feel. I can't seem to stop thinking about yesterday...I wasn't in control of myself, I said things that didn't even mean anything, I laughed at random, I dance...

I am feeling extremely sleepy right now...I think I have a tendency of exaggerating things because, when I was high, I was half acting...At least that's what I am feeling right now. They say when you're high what you feel gets intensified...I only got to smoke two or three puffs....And I didn't even get the munchies, I was just eating without having to taste it.. Just shoving down my throat...Was I high ? But it all felt so soothing....I remember myself dancing tho....which was quite embarrassing . I came back just an hour ago, I do feel like my body is half awake, it needs to lie down....I still feel like I wasn't high enough. And I really want to do it again. And do it right like everybody.

When you held my chin up with the hand that raped other women, including my aunt, You called me your daughter, Which I'm not, dear uncle. My daughter looks beautiful today still echoes in my head. That's not when I froze. When you pecked on my cheek, I didn't know what innocence was left off you. For, mine had been lost since I heard about the torture you bring upon women. Your actions an open secret. I am not your little niece anymore; whose space you can violate without anyone noticing. I am blessed to be exposed to the beast that lives within you. Maybe it's a way of God looking out. There was no innocence when you touched my shoulder ordering me to cover up my backless dress. You just wanted to touch some skin. I wish I didn't feel so insecure around you the way I do now. I never wanted to believe you are who you are my parents tell. For I loved you in the most innocent way a niece could ever love her uncle. I once gave you a place after ...

Eating nuts my hair covered in yogurt mask. Things I do for healthy locks. Watching Gossip Girlx3.... Am I a good multitasker ...? You tell me.

Planning to get high on brownies...But I am skeptical about this... It is gonna happen on makeup girl's rooftop next week. Music guy is responsible for bringing the materials. I can't wait for next week....This is the first time ever, I am going to do something illegal...and I am already planning scenarios on my head...how am I going to face my parents afterwords, or my sister, because she's coming to stay and it is gonna be a mess if she finds out anything fishy with my behavior. I am told to taste just a little amount but there's things that I can't control...But they said the high wears off within two hours, so I am hoping it goes the same with me... These things shouldn't be overthought with, I mean, it is not that biggie... Everybody does it in college, and I need some fun in my normal boring life and this is my only chance. Please God, don't take it away from me...Even so if I hate it, there's this silver lining that I at least tried someth...