Everly

I need music, I need love, I need inspiration. So I wrote this piece in 2015...Was going through my mails which piled up, I posted in writer's cafe that time and while reading this today, I was utterly shocked. I made this sentences! This story?! Like how's that even possible, reading this felt like I was reading someone Else's and these characters that I built up in the story, I mean, really?! Where did all my vocab go? I got really sucky at writing these days..Seriously reading these shocked me so much... Years of Concealing “I’ll eat you! Do you know why? Cause you’re too chubby!” Spoken like a retarded mother would, playing with her kid’s kiddish charm. Her curls weighed loose on her backless summer dress she wore that day. Her nose crinkled with a face splitting grin every time Joan, my nephew who had just turned two, was making happy sounds. Sounds that apparently carried the appreciation to the compliment Emma just made him; softly stroking his cheeks that fl...

I am just so tired. I feel like sleeping all the freaking time. It drizzled today, so not much heat. I have never felt so blunt.

Can't believe I replaced the empty bottle of my super black mascara with my mother's new one and used extra coats of it to manage to look pretty and bat my eye lashes to look flirty and fun only to find him paying no attention toward me. YUCK. I am annoyed at myself for doing that. For getting ready to please. It is just that I missed him, when he was off to perform his songs out of town and I just wanted him to notice me, YUCK. What's happening to me again. I am supposed to stay away from the idea of even liking him a bit. He is not worth my time or thought. There he is probably busy in his study and work and I am here writing about him...AGAIN! I bet whoever reading this is face-palming, see I am sorry too. I can't control these yucky feelings, that just don't leave me. And I am trying to right now. But my mood changes in a flip. But trust me, when I got the black eye removing the mascara I swore myself never putting'em again unless for a special occasion. I ...

My period ended and all the horrible feelings have left me to this realization that- No. I can't let have my self-esteem be shattered down for him. Who is he? I met him like a year ago, and since then he has been a constant torture in my mind, always making me feel like I am an inferior to him, and he only talked to me when he felt like. And that's not how it should work for me. I can't. I can't let him know I love him. I guess it is time to mentally break up with him. Yes, moving on from a crush is kind of a heart break and you wouldn't know until you go through a situation like this. It is goddamn hard. Everyday, he is the reason, I look forward to going classes. Now I have to completely avoid this inspiring feeling and it ain't easy. Let's focus. Things I don't like about him. He is short and kinda skinny. His eyes aren't worth falling for. He bullies people. He has superiority complex. He ain't easy to hang out with. He smokes. 13-14 or...

Okay. I know it is probably the worst idea and I might be the one who's going to end up being hurt but I feel like it is worth it. As my favorite author John Green said, in life you don't get to choose in who's gonna love you, but you do have a choice in who will hurt you...I guess  he is the one I choose who will break my heart into pieces and I wouldn't be able to love anyone like that ever. If you're thinking, if I am gonna ask him out, no not yet. Right now, I am just going to try being his close friend. Then after a phase or two, maybe I am gonna kiss and tell. HAHAHA. I mean I will just tell him and we'll be done with it. And I will finally have my closure. Yeah, I mean I have it pictured perfectly in my mind.

I'm getting no sleep. Crying on old crummy songs. My period starts today, so I actually can blame on my hormones now. My friend Turtle Dove has been super friendly today. We had a nice chat clearing all the things out. I actually realized all we were missing is the direct communication. But she is gonna come to my house more often, 4 days a week so I don't know. I have never spent so much time with someone outside my family. Always been afraid to be close with people. Because they leave. They change and they don't miss you afterwards. I don't know if I am ready for that. I don't like these sort of friendships. Basing on your needs. But I guess since my sister got married off, T has been the only one. like my sister I shared my thoughts to. And it feels nice having a temporary adjustment of a sister so me not complaining. Crying over him. How can he not understand how much I am into him. How can he still be holding onto his ex? How can he not see. There's ME...

I am at my new house. And I am extra sensitive this weekend. Got 4 days off. It is kind of hard being home and thinking back a lot of things. Part of me wants to believe, I still got this. Part of me wants to isolate. Let's blame the period hormones for this... So last night out of sheer boredom and loneliness, I went to whisper app,and I chatted with this guy who has a girlfriend by the way and who knows my friends too, whom I am crushing, we chatted till fajr and I learned some secrets of his and he did of mine likewise. And he offered me to be his distraction for a while and I said okay. But he has a girlfriend. But is there any harm in this? I mean he just said- he can be at times pervy and flirty and yeah...Am I making a mistake? I mean I just need some distraction that's all. And he said he is gonna help. It is probably nothing. It is time I should get less serious about life. I don't know, I feel like crying every now and then. I feel like I don't have an...

So we are moving the day after tomorrow. I have been here for such a long time. This is the problem you see. We overstayed. Humans should not settle in one place forever. I don't wanna rot here, obviously not. So it is the best decision, undoubtedly. Anyhoo. Singer Guy has become some kind of a celebrity by this video he shared of him, singing old tvc jingles with his ukulele. I think by now it has exceeded 100k on the shares and I don't know about the likes. But it is a huge deal. I mean he has such talent, hasn't been portrait the way it could reach widely to people, until now. Lately, he has been getting a lot of attention. Which is good. I bet he needs it. I mean it could help him get over his ex fully. It could, right?  Today he was like "chicks are dropping like *insert sprinkling salt expression* (salt bae meme) And I couldn't help but smile seeing him in a good mood.And guess what. A friend of T is also crushing on him. She saw him sing that evening at ...

One of my friends, on march 26 he mailed me his anthropology assignment. It was a personal writing. When he was submitting the hard file, I asked him to send me the pdf so I can read it. Just out of curiosity. He did send me the file but I was too lazy that night and ignored it; I thought I would read it later and give him a feedback. But I totally forgot about it. Just a while ago, I checked my mail which I do hardly nowadays because I hardly have anyone to mail to and I came across his assignment, I opened it, started reading it. It got me chills. Yes. I got goosebumps. And tear at the corner of my eyes. I never knew he had it in him. Such sorrow and it looked so raw. Out and open. He never talks about it. But having to read that. It was such an emotional piece of writing. I'll tell you where I almost cried. "if you are reading this I have survived traumas, heartbreaks, devastation and the different phases life had to offer   hence completely changing who I was. Bu...