I'm sick.
That's all I could think the moment I woke up. It was 2 o'clock, lunch time and I skipped breakfast for sleep. This is not new to me. I had done it my whole life. Waking up in the morning seemed just temporary and it had always based on the fact whether I had college or a family trip. So in holidays I never actually made it. I always woke up late, bloated with last night's dinner or gassy because skipping breakfast. And I hate myself for sleeping that late. For ditching the morning fresh air. For wasting so much time on sleep when I have plenty of study left to be done. Trust me I try. I force myself to go to bed as early as possible but somehow I end up reading novels or over-thinking or having anxiety attacks or be just lying there tired and sleepless. When the alarm buzzes. I snooze it by an hour and never wake up then. This is my normal sleep cycle.No matter how hard as I try to wake up in the morning, it only lasts for a week. And last night I was so sure of breaking it for at least for HSC. But I can't. Before exam day, I somehow manage myself to sleep at night but the day after, during study gaps, I'm me again. With this sick sleeping habits. It's so depressing. I can't get over it. It's damaging me. For now I truly understand how badly it's affecting my study and concentration on any work and my appetite. And the most devastating part is I can't trust myself, my instincts that if I fall asleep I will never be able to wake up tomorrow when the sun comes up. I can't sleep at night thinking, that this wouldn't work, nobody will be able to wake me up. So I just lie on bed, begging myself to sleep for just a moment so the morning could come earlier. I hate nights like this. I simply hate it and wish every night that this would change. That I would sleep proper 6 hours and wake up in the morning early and fresh.
I have sleeping disorder. Since I was a kid, my parents didn't actually care whether I slept late. They shouldn't have done it. They should have put me on bed before the clock stroked 10. Otherwise, I wouldn't have to deal with this sort of stuff. I mean seriously, how am I gonna study for exam when half of my day is spent on oversleeping and nights spent sleepless. I never looked at it as a problem until now. I have to get over this sick thing otherwise...it's gonna kill me. So I reduced caffeine, I only drink one cup of tea a day and I have left my phone uncharged and turned off so it wouldn't occupy me at night. I gave up studying late. And I gave up listening to music late. I am doing possibly everything I can to break this sleep cycle. Till now I haven't been able to do it. This is a serious issue.
That's all I could think the moment I woke up. It was 2 o'clock, lunch time and I skipped breakfast for sleep. This is not new to me. I had done it my whole life. Waking up in the morning seemed just temporary and it had always based on the fact whether I had college or a family trip. So in holidays I never actually made it. I always woke up late, bloated with last night's dinner or gassy because skipping breakfast. And I hate myself for sleeping that late. For ditching the morning fresh air. For wasting so much time on sleep when I have plenty of study left to be done. Trust me I try. I force myself to go to bed as early as possible but somehow I end up reading novels or over-thinking or having anxiety attacks or be just lying there tired and sleepless. When the alarm buzzes. I snooze it by an hour and never wake up then. This is my normal sleep cycle.No matter how hard as I try to wake up in the morning, it only lasts for a week. And last night I was so sure of breaking it for at least for HSC. But I can't. Before exam day, I somehow manage myself to sleep at night but the day after, during study gaps, I'm me again. With this sick sleeping habits. It's so depressing. I can't get over it. It's damaging me. For now I truly understand how badly it's affecting my study and concentration on any work and my appetite. And the most devastating part is I can't trust myself, my instincts that if I fall asleep I will never be able to wake up tomorrow when the sun comes up. I can't sleep at night thinking, that this wouldn't work, nobody will be able to wake me up. So I just lie on bed, begging myself to sleep for just a moment so the morning could come earlier. I hate nights like this. I simply hate it and wish every night that this would change. That I would sleep proper 6 hours and wake up in the morning early and fresh.
I have sleeping disorder. Since I was a kid, my parents didn't actually care whether I slept late. They shouldn't have done it. They should have put me on bed before the clock stroked 10. Otherwise, I wouldn't have to deal with this sort of stuff. I mean seriously, how am I gonna study for exam when half of my day is spent on oversleeping and nights spent sleepless. I never looked at it as a problem until now. I have to get over this sick thing otherwise...it's gonna kill me. So I reduced caffeine, I only drink one cup of tea a day and I have left my phone uncharged and turned off so it wouldn't occupy me at night. I gave up studying late. And I gave up listening to music late. I am doing possibly everything I can to break this sleep cycle. Till now I haven't been able to do it. This is a serious issue.
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