"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

Confession *50

I am typing from my abbu’s old crappy laptop and it got me apparently a half hour to get to this document. Nothing can be any painful than slow computers. But it’s working all good now. And I am free to typing up my thoughts in our living room, on the couch when nobody’s here to peek into the screen. Nanu is in my room having a sound sleep. So nobody’s at disturb. Now I feel at home.

Yesterday I felt bad for nanu. She’s been really upset these days. She would often talk about her illness and death. Last night I was up late, it was 2.30 am when she saw me not sleeping. She kind of scolded me to bed. I just got into reading the kite runner- so I couldn’t go sleep without finishing a whole chapter. When I got back to bed it was late and she was even awake then. That moment she told me that she’s getting old and she had advised me last time for my own good. She asked me a favor not to mind these things. I told her I wasn’t offended. She also wanted me to namaz 5 times a day.

Then I turned out the lights and got into bed. I felt really bad for her. Her life has come to a point where the world seems all colorless, bitter and dull. Her heart’s beating on the medicines she’s been taking. She is weak, counting days to her death. I shed tears, yes tears for the person that annoys me half of the day. I don’t know why I am always like that. I do love my grand parents, I feel for them. But I am just not loyal to them. Last night I cried for nanu, I was at fear that these might not be her last words to me. Because she wasn’t feeling so well. I couldn’t assure her or be with her, I just lied in my bed silently wiping. I was at guilt because all that time I took her as a burden.

I don’t get along with old people, I feel no attachment, but sometimes they are the people that make me see the life in a different point of view. That this life is super short. That someday, I am going to turn just like them; old and weak, counting my days. I don’t know maybe I’d die before that for life is so uncertain. Nevertheless, death is there in the end of all direction always haunting me.

Confession*51

I just ruined the coziness I had by these life and death stuffs I’d said up there. It’s time to break some ice now.

So this laptop: It is old but it was nothing like this crap when my dad brought it few years back. It turned into a crap, all because of me. When it was brought, it was functioning all perfect. I hadn’t seen much of a laptop before this one. So it took all my attention and time. And when my brother installed GTA Vice city in this, I got even more obsessed with it. I would spend half of the day playing games in this, especially the time when my dad wasn’t home. So one night, I was onto gaming, very much. And suddenly it hung. You know how impatient I am with slow computers. I shut  its cover like I was slamming a door or something. That was the time when this laptop started turning into a crap.

The cover  is still loose and the disc drive doesn’t work. I am shocked by my father’s patience, how he managed to work with it all these years. When I broke it years back, my father was there. He saw me how I slammed its cover like an idiot. But he never took that out on me. I mean any father would beat his daughter for ruining his laptop, his newly brought laptop. My dad’s been using this old crappy thing for years because of me. He could have working it fine if I hadn’t stupidly misused it.

Confession*52

Have I told you about my South African web friend Xie Paradoxie?

Yeah it’s her name. I met her in a gaming site when I was fourteen to fifteen. Okay so I kind of used a fake name and country to sign up. I took the name Samirah (and she liked it) and my country was UK. I lied more to her. That I actually originated from India and that my grandpa owned a tiger back there. Can you believe that? Well, she believed it. I basically lied to be friends with her. Because I didn’t have any such friends. She was someone that I found a friendship with. A sixteen year old with a 21 year old. She had a boyfriend living with her in the house and she was obsessed with animals. She owned cat, dogs, mice, snakes! And even Chameleon! I remember when she told me she hated marriage. She thinks it’s just a piece of paper. I wonder why am I talking about her in past tense, when she’s still friends with me on facebook.

She has the same boyfriend. It’s been maybe 18 years of her relationship with him. She did not married him yet, guess she feels the same about marriage. She is 24 now. Still I see her pictures of the animals she pet. But we don’t mail like we used to. She now knows my real name, where I am from.

She and I, we used to mail everyday back then. We used to chat for hours. She knew me as samirah and from United Kingdom. But I could feel some part of her wouldn’t believe it because in chat she would often use the word REALLY? And because I sucked in English, I would spell wrong words most of the time in chatting or mailing her. She would mail her pet’s pictures and videos and I would send a fake girl’s photo as me. This was how it gone for a year. Then suddenly one day I felt really bad about lying to her like that. So I stopped the chatting and mailing thing. I stopped it for maybe three months or so. Then I started to miss her. She was a online friend but still, a friend. I logged on to my yahoo account and wrote a super emotional mail and hit send. I thought she would never write me back. For that the mail was all my confessions about the lie that started our friendship, that my name wasn’t samirah, my country was Bangladesh, that I literally fooled her. I apologized and asked her if we could be friends again.

She wrote me back in two days. She wrote that she wasn’t fully unaware of these. She told me girls my age often do such things, and she would always forgive me and be friends with the real me. She was glad that I didn’t late to confess. She also wrote that I am beautiful (I attached my real picture with the mail) and that I kind of look like Halle Berry. Flattering, I know.

 I once sent her a video on Christmas, of me talking. She wrote me back with jolly words that it was very sweet and she would always keep it. We used to mail back to back and soon we got good friends.

She joined facebook by then. And we got to connect even more. But we kind of missed the mailings, the yahoo messenger chatting. Now she is in facebook half of the time, we don’t talk anymore like we used to. We never skyped but we used to mail each other like everyday. Now things are completely different. But she is still a friend to me. I still have her mails and sometimes when I reread them; it feels like those memories go alive again. J

I also had three Indian friends online- Kiran, Pritha and Shruty(Calcutta). With Shruty I chat on facebook at times and mostly connected with. Kiran is away, I don’t normally see her on the newsfeed and Pritha I lost. She deactivated and I have no idea where she is right now.

Confession*53

My private closed today for Eid-Ul-Azha holidays. I am missing him already! I am seeing him 11 days after. L Seems like an eternity.