Everly

Ann & I, we started exchanging emails. Because chatting's too mainstream.:) Here's the one that put a smile on my face last night. Oct 30 (1 day ago) Dear Ramisa, Your emails are so entertaining. I love your emails. I miss you guys a lot. My worst fear is actually coming true. I'm gonna be the lonely girl who has no friends very soon. I have 2 friends who are actually kind of like me but I have only 2 classes with them. Malia is kind of moving away from me which is kind of hurtful. I'm guessing you don't get the type of my relationship with Michael and that you are very interested. He is a very unattached, wild boy. He is not into relationships. And we are just friends. The things between us are ok now. Thank you for your advice though. He doesn't do the crazy things he used to anymore. So we are ok. I think I'm gonna meet 2 Bangali boys  this Friday . Always happy to meet my own kind. And I'm sure it was embarrassing for you in the class a...

I was focused, okay focused would be a strong word. A little concentrated on my study prep for finals. Maybe because I had a little concentration, it broke down in the midway. My study routine that I prepared for like a month got messed up. I don't know, maybe studying is not my thing. Getting bad grades is my thing, and I should hold on to that. But no, I can't hold on to that I have dreams going on, I have my dad hoping on me to get into some renowned Uni, and I better get refocused. Three days hortal. Nothing I needed more right now. :) Plenty time to clear the mess.  

We had a little talk today, in whispers. I was in private and he was telling us theories to write. I didn't get to sit on the desk because there weren't enough sits. So at first i sat on one of the chairs at the very corner. And he shifted me to the stools in the middle row. I wasn't willing to because then I'd be separated from Ankan who was sitting next to me. Because she's the only person I mostly talk with. But he said, the fans wouldn't reach the corners(Aww I like how he cared) and so I was shifted to the airy area, on a stool in the middle row. Then it started, the writing theories. Ugh, Boring. But I would stop writing as when he'd pause and exchange a glare. And the most interesting part was when I glanced outside, he looked at the outside too, like he was following me or something. Like he wanted to know what I was staring at. So it didn't turn out that much boring. It was like half an hour later, I kind of got sleepy and he called me up. ...

nanu is feeling really sick tonight. I left her in the room and moved to the living room couch.My sister is staying with her.As always I turned out to be a selfish granddaughter.Just a minute ago I was crying for not having feelings for her.Why am I always like that? Why can't I spend a single night beside her and listen to bed night stories like all other grand kids?  I suck at pretending I love her.I suck at being a granddaughter. After all those years of holding me on her lap, sometimes feeding me,sometimes giving me a bath when I was little,she's still a stranger to me. I try but I get nothing.I am numb.

Shopping after ages! Bought a beautiful gown for Api's reception. It'd probably be the best dress I own up till now. The color is sea-green, full length gown, It looks so pretty on me! My api says I look like a Cinderella, just like the fairy-tales. When I trialed it, I was like, Where's my Prince Charming, I wanna dance till midnight....I can't wait to wear it again! Have you seen F.R.I.E.N.D.S, where Monica, Phoebie and Rachael they wore bridal gowns just because they wanted to get happy? Wedding gowns are bliss! Mine is a party gown but still a bliss! Money can buy happiness, those 8500 Tk for that dress was well spent. I am so much happy now :D :D :D Just need someone to dance with on that dress! 

Confession#63 Nanu isn’t home. She’s gonna stay at her sister’s place for few days now. So yeah, finally got my room back. Freedom tastes good indeed! I’m depressed! Don’t know why. No I don’t miss Nanu. It’s a different issue. My day wasn’t bad or anything, It was fine. Even better than fine. But ugh I don’t know…I just feel like crying it out. Something’s bothering me and I am ignoring it like it doesn’t have to do anything with myself. I have so much ahead of me, If I lose it, I’d lose everything of it. I can bet none of my friends know how deeply depressed I’ve been. They don’t know because they see me always laughing at the stupidest and dumbest things on earth. They see me smiling splitting my mouth almost every day. I don’t blame them because any normal person would if they see me, probably think I am happy. In fact, they would think I am very much happy. My friends should know when I am laughing too much at everything, I am actually trying to hide my pain, to drive ...

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourse...

When you have something good inside you, let it be there. let it make its way itself to winning people's heart. This 18 years of life that I lived and still living, I have encountered various human-beings. Some are family, some are complete strangers and then there's people from school and college. And there were times I had preferably mistaken the good from the bad ones, the real from the fake ones and the honest from the rude ones. I had always been such a kid, if someone made rude comments about me, I unknowingly kept avoiding that person. No matter how good the person turned out to be, my feelings if they were hurt once, never could be forgotten. And people, their thoughts,they concern me. What they think about me matters to me. It's not that I like to be judged, it's that it helps me to know better of myself. To differentiate what they want from what I want. I myself, constantly judge people in my mind. Actually it's more like observing than judging. When ...

SO Apparently my confessions nowadays have been mostly about "Him." You know what? I should name him something. Almost every girl gives a special name to her secret crush(like McDreamy, McSteamy,Eyecandy). And that name stays within herself, her friends crowd or her sister. Whereas, the pet name I am gonna give my secret crush is gonna stay within this blog. When I see him the first thing that pops into my head is that I love him, no matter what. I just do. When he's around me, the first thing I always seem to notice about him is the shirt he's wearing. And his perfume. It drives me crazy. And his height.:') "McDreamy." There. I named my secret crush. I often get shocked at myself for having this long lasting crush. Every day I find a new thing about him that develops a constant source of my distraction and attention toward him. Today I was 5 min. late for class, and rushing toward the hallway. And he seemed to arrive there at the same time. We ...

My Abbu is so freaking sweet, he brought me apple juice I told him I was craving for. It was raining outside but he didn't mind getting drenched. Who does that?! He's such a wonderful father. Love him to bits and pieces.

My college started from yesterday. And I had slept through all the lectures as usual. The day before yesterday is where all interesting things happened. Trust me I was dying to confess up here all this time but couldn’t get the pc. Sad, no? Now, shall we? ;) Confession*59 So on Saturday I went to the private. The class didn’t start then so I was gossiping with the other girls. I got kind of distracted in the mid way and glanced at the door outside. I was hoping to see my friend Ankan. When I glanced back to the girls, they already stopped the conversation. Because Sir came. And his eyes were settling on mine. I didn’t notice at first. But when I did, uh well I kind of flushed. In my mind, I was hoping to get away with his gaze and go home, bury my face in the pillow. I got so nervous that I couldn’t even meet his eyes. I looked to the doorway while he was asking me, “How are you?” I said, “Fine.” Looking back to him and then again to the doorway. I felt like an idiot! A strange...

I hate it when someone tries to control me. I profoundly hate it! But there's no way to get away with it now because I have a control freak living in my room for- I don't know how many days, months or years she gonna stay. I am gonna suffocate, seriously. My intuitions tell me, I'm gonna suffocate if I spend another day with her...You know who I'm talking about, right? My beloved grand-ma who thinks I am obliged to her which I am not, I hate it when she tries to get us back on shape. I know I am reckless, lazy and whatever. But she has no right to change me or my habits. I am not an infant. I am eighteen years old, I know my choices, its consequences and I know what to do with my life. All I want is some space from her, but she happens to always interrupt me with her whole controlling system. I get that she's a senior, I should respect the perspectives she often makes, but still. Why doesn't she understand I don't like it when she tries to change me>? ...

Today I sat to study after ages. Actually I didn't study. I did the practical shits. I mean *sheets. Copy-pasted the answers, yeah that pretty much it. I can't believe I am missing college, the rush, waking up in the morning, having breakfast. You must be wondering, why on earth I'd be missing breakfast? Because this whole vacation I've been an insomniac. I get my night's sleep after Fazr Azaan. I've skipped breakfasts in a row. Aww I miss eating eggs with ruti-vaji. And the morning chai! Enough about food already. Let's talk about my home-wait for it-sickness. I am truly and profoundly sick and tired of home. I wanna get out, to get some fresh air. This is Dhaka though. But at least I could get some filthy polluted air to breath in and out.What do I get staying at home? Just boredom. The problem is that I have no such friends that would waste money/time on hangouts. They are the ultimate nerds; studying all the time. ugh. Also that I live in such a...

Abbu's old crappy laptop crashed last night. RIP abbu's old crappy Laptop. It's not fixing until another year. I finished up reading The Kite Runner yesterday and it took me a great deal of patience to get to the end of it. When I read English novels, I usually read aloud the best parts and taste the words in my mouth. This gave me tears because the best parts of the book were very much emotional. 

Today was Eid-ul-azha, worst eid ever. Really. I couldn’t stand the smell of raw meat and blood. It was awful. Teenagers like me, usually go places on eid, hangout, and Me? I just stay bored at home, with cousins who are literally babies. Fariha doesn’t come on eid days.So. And api is away to her in-law’s house for dawat. I have always been this lonely. :( 

I have not chatted with Ann since my exam ended and so she kind of frowned at me. She messaged me that she needed me and I asked why. This morning she messaged me again on the respond to my question that she needs me because I am one of her two best friends and the other one is the stupid who just deactivates her facebook account every time after spying on us. I’ve never been called someone’s best friend before. Because I’d rather been the least likeable friend to anyone, the most boring one, the bullied one, the crybaby one. I never thought I would until this day, be called someone’s one of the best friends. Ann never bluffs. All this time I thought she hated me for all the dumbest things I did when she was here with us. Ann was always one of the close friends, and also the person that criticizes me every now and then. I always thought she would never see me as a friend; she would just tolerate me. I didn’t reply anything to her. I’m not taking any swag, it’s just that I am ...

Vacation is bliss. I wonder how miserable I had been during my exams. Look at me now. I’m all cooled down and relaxed. Fariha stayed here for two days for dance practice. It was fun. Who knew we could actually dance? Nanu has been a less pain lately. I just can’t get enough of Anisha’s cuteness. I feel like eating her chubby little cheeks. She can talk now, in a cute accent and I kind of taught her a line in Urdu. I watched a whole bunch of Pakistani dramas over night just to see Fawad Khan and that’s how Urdu gotten into me. Turned out; Anika, Fariha and I; we all love the same man- Fawad Khan. And I told Fariha that I would transform my future husband into Fawad by plastic surgeries. My obsession has gone too far, Yep.

Confession *50 I am typing from my abbu’s old crappy laptop and it got me apparently a half hour to get to this document. Nothing can be any painful than slow computers. But it’s working all good now. And I am free to typing up my thoughts in our living room, on the couch when nobody’s here to peek into the screen. Nanu is in my room having a sound sleep. So nobody’s at disturb. Now I feel at home. Yesterday I felt bad for nanu. She’s been really upset these days. She would often talk about her illness and death. Last night I was up late, it was 2.30 am when she saw me not sleeping. She kind of scolded me to bed. I just got into reading the kite runner- so I couldn’t go sleep without finishing a whole chapter. When I got back to bed it was late and she was even awake then. That moment she told me that she’s getting old and she had advised me last time for my own good. She asked me a favor not to mind these things. I told her I wasn’t offended. She also wanted me to namaz 5 times...