Everly

Day 73 The lock down will be over soon. However, there is no cure for the virus yet. Vaccines are on test run. I heard a news today, that it will be available mid June, I am not sure if it is valid. There is other news  on TV which said, it is expected that we will get it by November. I have been feeling hopeful about it. Yes, it would be difficult to get a job, such and such in the next few months. But all I care about now, is as long as my family is safe. I feel so grateful, that I have a roof over my head, I have a minimum wage tutoring job and that I found a mission today. My current goal is to work towards saving money for traveling. I will try looking into universities abroad meanwhile, but if I save enough and work enough on my current tutoring, I can visit Canada and my niece and my sister and have a retreat. I think I deserve a vacation. Of course, I need to work hard as my pay is minimum, and also it is gonna take me 6 months at least to save that much amount to bo...

Day 71 Last night I had a mental breakdown. I kept thinking back all the good memories this year, and it traced back to him. We don't talk anymore. Like the old times. And after wallowing and soaking my face with tears, I realized, I am such a micro portion of his life. I stalked his instagram like a textbook, I occasionally do that. It makes me feel more insecure, because he got a lot of going on for himself. And the pictures he likes of girls, they look so perfect, with their bodies and with their fancy backgrounds. And here I am. Such a mess. I know perfect is an illusion. And I know, I have said, we will meet again after lock down but I am not so sure anymore. The idea of us is fading. He probably sees us as some fling that has flung by now. And he probably will not miss me. Because this is normal for him. He has done it before. And he will do it again, with someone else. Or he will find someone to be in a serious relationship with. And that's just not with me. You k...

day 69 Today is last day of ramadan for this year. I can't stop wondering what will happen next year at this time. Saw it on the news, the vaccine will probably make its way around November, if all goes well. 2020, what a year! You know everything is slowed down but I realized something. We are always waiting on something to happen instead of living in the moment. We are losing moments to worrying about the future. About the uncertainty. It is a pandemic. We are supposed to worry but are we ever gonna get these moments back once the pandemic is over? It's a very unsettling feeling that once this is over, we are going to face the real consequences. We will have to fight harder, with life, for jobs, for money, for sustainability. Staying home has surely been a roller coaster ride of thoughts and emotions. And the real deal is when we will come out of this. How are we going to tackle what's ruined? How are we going to mold the pieces that's been broken in our syst...

I read somewhere once- "Adulting is settling for scrambled eggs when you wanted to make an omelet." And I felt that. Yesterday, I made duas, I prayed, I basically reached a spiritual high. There was a time, I cried, let out everything that was paining me inside. And I am imperfect, and sure I did mistakes, I have not perfected the surahs or the pronunciations, but I still felt better praying, it felt almost like a therapy.  And I feel like everything is gonna be okay.  We will get through this in our own imperfect, messy ways. People will die. Health systems will expose cracks, economy will face recessions, but we will progress, there is no way backward. We are only heading forward. We will get through this. 

Day 63 I finished the book I was reading that I started when the havoc created with corona virus in our country. 21 people died today. This may go for a while. Maybe I'd be 26/28/30 and still be dealing with this. This is the new normal now. Social distancing, staying home, economic recession, news headlines about deaths and infected and survivors. In this hardest of times, the only thing that could soothe the soul, is reading a book that speaks to me. And this particular book spoke to me, when I was torn apart, when I was going through his resentment of me, when I relapsed, when he started being nice again and then again distant and I had to make up my mind, I have to be my own person, my own attention giver and this author and her words spoke to me. Took me into a space where everyone was silent and my nerves where silenced and I just hung on to the most powerful words she might've said and I felt it so deeply and read out each sentence like poetry and like some sacred bib...

day 60 I miss him so much. In a good way. Not like in a desperate way. I miss him knowing that after this crisis ends, we are gonna meet each other again. I believe that. Even if he finds someone to hang out with. I'll be there. I don't care if we are not gonna end up being together. I am open to whatever possibilities we have, even the thinnest ones. I miss his face. I miss his beard. I miss everything about him. The time he rubbed off lipstick stains from my face with his hands. The time he kissed my stomach. The time he held my waist. His teeth on my neck. I cherish every moment of us being together. It was not much, it was just couple of hours if I sum it all. We didn't get much time, it was so short and sweet and I am happy it happened. I am happy he was my first kiss. I like him, and even if we don't love each other enough or know each other enough, I still wanna be with him. Even the day, when he would get married to somebody else, I will be happy for him. C...

Day 59 I am trying to keep sane. It is not easy. The world is going towards a dark tunnel. All the good things will get sucked in. I can't think forward. Life is going to be super tough. And we are not prepared for this.