Everly

Dear B I think, him and I, we are not wired to be together. I could go on and on about how he is not what I want him to be, but that is not his fault. We are just not the missing puzzles, we are just different pieces and we don't complete each other. And my expectations of him and him failing those expectations should not be something he would account for. The conclusion is- We are not each other's type. But this quarantine is so difficult. It is making me want to have long deep conversations with him. Tell him I miss him when all I miss, is the normal-ness, the comfort, the security. Talking with him could be my only distraction and that's what I seek. I know it is all so wrong. He doesn't see himself falling for me. This has no future, nothing at all. Yet  I can't wipe him off my mind. I am trying my best to stop myself getting hurt. But I am failing miserably. He is not gonna call. Yet I so badly wanna hear him talk. I am in such a depressing episode. ...

This is a tough time for the world. It is a precedence. We are prisoners inside our house. With all these anxieties and worries about this uncertainty. Scared about losing our loved ones. Missing our friends and colleagues So what do I have when I am home? forced Breakfasts staring at the ceiling netflix boredom staring at the ceiling again existential crisis writing journal eating, stress eating oh shoot assignments procrastination online classes okay taking walks on the rooftop while saying hi to neighbor's babies No touching although my mind is screaming to hold their tiny hands okay room again loud music dancing what else  what else mind numbing scrolling corona breaking news crying for couple of mins yes i am strong again  snapchat tiktok social media clicks clicks clicks life needs more than that, life needs fresh air, human interaction, hugs, safety, sunlight, even the pollution my city offers. I miss everything that was typical. I a...

Dear B, I am self-quarantined at home, my university is closed due to corona pandemic. And the panic that is among the internet, is indescribable. I feel for Italy, I really do. Do you remember I was so indulged in the book Eat, Pray, Love, and almost wanted to learn Italian. Traveling there is one of the top things I wanna check off my bucket list. I hope the country recovers from this serious situation. Hoping everything to come back to normal seems too delusional right now, but you know there's this thing with the earth. It faces destruction, then molds. Look at our history of the earth. It still survived pretty big things. Maybe we can survive this. It is a pretty scary time. Especially for the older people. The more I think about it, it gives me anxiety. Let's look closer to my current mental state and the life. This year has been pretty happening for me... I went out of my comfort zone. Met a guy, had couple of  meetups I wouldn't call them dates, cause we are no...

I am turning into a crazy person. What is happening to me? Oh my god. I just had the longest conversation last night, all night with a guy from dating app and WHAT THE HELL. Why am I waiting for his text to pop up. I feel sick. I literally feel like I am gonna throw up. If I am gonna get hurt in the process, who is responsible? ME! I am like, I give in myself too much. This is nothing, we are just talking, JUST TALKING. Why the hell do I feel like, I am gonna be super into him in the coming days? GOD, Save me, Please, You're the only one person who can drag me up from this emotional attachment.

I take myself so granted that, if something good finally comes my way, I feel like I am gonna die.I think to myself, God planned good things for me because he is going to take me back. It is so weird because, I can't simply accept the fact that, I deserve good things in life. My whole life is not going to be a bumpy ride. Before the trip, I legitimately thought I would have an accident. I was so serious that I would die, things cannot be this perfect. But to my surprise, things are perfect. And I am still unbroken. I am still in one piece, and I feel this incredible gratitude inside my heart, I feel like I had been showered with blessings. And I had been wanting so bad, for these moments. And someone up there listened, or something happened, like a miracle and turned everything into a beautiful synergy.  I have a feeling 2020 is going to be a good year, if I believe in myself enough. 

I'm happy.