Everly

When I talk about depression to my father. He doesn't understand it. Instead he just tries to fix me. He thinks waking up in the morning and having breakfast is the only solution to all my problems. I know he's only got good intentions. But he just doesn't get it, does he? I know talking about how my life could've been better, is a bad choice of words because, it only hurts him. He thinks, I am not happy because he couldn't give me the life. That's not what I intended to say. I wanted to create a life for myself, I wanted him to believe in me, since childhood I wanted to become my own person. Living on his money, on his hard work and constantly being pushed around as a 'problematic child' was not my dream. He just doesn't get it, I am not happy not because we aren't rich. I am not happy because, I feel lost. I feel frustrated with myself, how so little self esteem I have and how I just feel like a waste of space. My emotions go out of con...

long time no post? Well I've been down for a while. This semester was brutal. I had classes six days a week. And 8 am classes too. But I did fairly well. I mean I wanted straight A's but A minus is not so bad either. I am not so disappointed. Though I had been thinking about dropping Finance as my second major...It is kind of a pain in the ass, so I might be considering just marketing. Let's see what happens. 6 months to go! I had lost connection with myself. Stress have got me. I am on break now. Feeling like a blunt existence again....I also lost my interest to journal. I might just leave this blog here. I don't know. There's gonna be very few posts from now on. I am not myself these days. I am just going with the flow like a dead fish.

saw my dad crying over a video in his phone today. we were on road in our car. the song was ay khuku ay. maybe he misses my sister. I cannot believe it's been over a year. I haven't seen her. She is in a far away country living with her husband and my niece. I miss them so much. i don't understand this. why did Allah create such web of infatuation.  i only know i am gonna lose people i love. everything is gonna end. I am gonna be dead. I may watch people die before me. the whole thing sickens me. why does it have to be this way. I mean why does it have to be a cycle of life and death? Why can't this duniya be permanent for all? Why Allah give us such love and care in human forms and take them away? I haven't lived. I am not living. I am just doing what I am told. Getting my degree so i can end up somewhere, survive. i feel like i am not so capable. i always feel that. I could've done so much. I didn't do. Now i am 23 and my father is getting old befor...

i told myself it did not happen draped that memory down almost as if it's possible it is hidden beneath but sometimes  it peeks  and makes me feel like an aged woman my memory isn't sharp i wish it was i always forget things,  passwords, chat threads, memes i already read and laughed our minds cannot process all information it knows ultimately  the cloud will contain things work like that now you forget, you retrieve. 

It is just out of random I feel like I need to spread negativity into the world, think back all the bad things that happened to me, make myself feel miserable and torture my heart and soul and overall peace. I don't know how am I going to be okay, make myself feel good about me. For once accept the fact that everybody is unique in their own way, everybody has different way of handling things. And I mess up. Maybe more than once, more than others, and it is completely okay too. We all try. We don't always make it... Thank you Don. For reminding me that.

My favorite episode from Mad Men by far, is The Suitcase. It was simple and metaphorical at the same time. There is so much sentiment in this particular one. I liked the moments between Draper and Peggy, it was so intense and they shared a bond that was unspoken of, silent yet deep. I love their friendship...Jon Hamm is such a great actor tbh. I am just getting more and more fond of him...Like seriously. I wish I could meet him in person and give him a big hug.