Everly

I have two good news. One is that..he didn't get the message. Facebook doesn't send offline  texts that got deleted initially. Yes I have done my fair share of research on that field...phew! I was worried about losing my self esteem, it's intact now, so I'm super carefree and enjoying my life again. Another news is that, I am moving on... I am starting to realize I love my life without him in it. It is wonderful. Carefree. Almost beautiful. I need no man to tell me things I already am/was. Great I am gonna take a nap and after that I have to prepare my speech for the presentation.

Oh my god. I sent him a cheesy text. I deleted it before it was sent. But there is a high chance facebook has it in its server and probably he got the text. I hate technology. And instant gratification. I was sleep deprived and probably wasn't even thinking straight. UGH I hate myself. He hasn't responded so I don't know if he got it or not. I am so bothered....I mean the text was platonic but the problem is, it gives him too much importance, it glorifies him and slightly makes me look like a desperate chick. There is no way, he is reading that. If he reads that, my world might as well end. Okay overreacting, but still. I HATE TECHNOLOGY.

If only a year ago, he asked me out, I would've said yes to him. I would've loved him with all my heart. I don't know what got to him lately ... He held my hand today for a while, my past self would've jumped up and down with joy, that he finally is noticing me and saying all the sweet things a girl wants to hear, saying you're pretty over and over that it is losing its meaning now. I don't know what I feel for him anymore. I needed a validation he is giving me that. I never imagined myself, actually expecting him to be unreal for a second. To be completely catching me off guard. why did he made me feel like. He is going to ask me out for real this time? If he actually liked me he would've noticed all the other things than the way my hair strands fall on my face. If he liked me, he would've known how much I like to be in the background while everyone just talked their hearts out. I am afraid, he is only going to like me on my look good days. That though...

Why are men such jerks? I am so mad at him. For thinking it is awfully funny. To ask me out for only the sole purpose of watching my reaction. Well it is clever that way. He would know what's on my mind without even getting real. Wow why didn't I think of that? Well my silver lining: he has not pulled that prank on me yet because I leave early and I don't give him the chance to talk. I bet he has changed his mind. My friend told me his intentions early on and so, guess what. I am guarding myself by being utterly childish and incredibly sensitive. Okay, whatever, I can't take a joke, I am a buzzkill. My life is going blunt. Super blunt. One thing I am sure of. And that is. I am going to be single for a lot and lot of time, until I figure out my career and myself and by that time, my mom will do the man hunt and get me out of the house.  All I want now, is be on my feet. Give my father a break...He is doing so much for our family, I can't look at his face...

I cut my hair super short, right under my ears. And it feels amazing. I don't sweat down my neck. My locks are super healthy now. And my face feels fresh....Only problem is tho. I look like a kid. xD That's good innit? I like to stay youthful. Oh my god. Next month I am turning 23. I hate that. The numbers are going up and up and I don't have anything figured out yet.

Don't write your feelings, don't speak your feelings, be poised, pretend you're cool. Aloof. Be a zen. Like nothing bothers you. UGH FUCK IT. Nobody told me, This would be life. Nobody told me, YOU ARE GOING TO STRUGGLE BAD so prepare. Everybody was busy planning school and college and that's it. What about your skills? How to be a good friend? How to build relationships and connections. Your mind development and all that bullshit and everything that makes a person 'person'. I don't know man. People say, family is your first institution for learning. I learned nada really. I learned how to behave myself, correct myself through countless embarrassments being out and about with everybody else my age only to find I am a super misfit and I say sorry a dozen times even when I haven't made any mistake. There is no strong bone in my body and no matter how much I want to be strong, independent, I end up being this weak and sloppy version of a woman I eno...

How do you deal with such pressure to become something useful, meaningful how do you not cry yourself to sleep how do you eat without feeling guilty that you did let me tell you one little secret i have been a mess my whole life i had counted myself out told myself over and over, you're a nothing life is difficult people are difficult these delusions i have of being loved back living in my own place helping the poor being sober of sadness. are diluted with frustrations. tell me everything will be okay, i need to hear it and believe for days like this i want you to be hopeful.

Somewhere around Florida, a 23 year old Indian guy has my picture and I don't know how to feel about that. He is in my snapchat. We have been chatting, and he seemed like a normal, average, IT guy. And I just figured. Having a long distance friendship won't hurt me. Though I hope he is not jerking off looking at my selfie. UGH. He's got like a nice beard and seemed okay, if he were my country man, I would've gone out with him, for the fact that, he is not a drop out or a failure, he actually got a job, a prospect but other than that. THIS... Nothing will become of this. I pity myself for making such decisions to add strangers on a personal app. Like it is. I don't know. A bit scary. To put myself out there. I wish it were easy to trust people. Anywho. I have mid tomorrow and I am like super distracted. You know about singer guy. Yeah, He is being extra charming these days I don't know why. I wish he were unattractive and totally aloof. But he is like super c...

Netflix is the devil I tell you. Source of all my procrastination. I have BoJack Horseman on while I am writing this. Sarcasm and self-loathing- the perfect show to binge my soul on. You know what is funny? I have mids next week and I promised myself earlier this year, that I will work my ass off to ace all my courses. Guess what, I am proving myself a liar again. Such a disappointment to the real world right now.