"I want what she has":
I sometimes wonder, since when I started to take that as my mission statement. Success stories and love stories are my secret enemies, they snatch away even the littlest bit of happiness I have left in me.
I want to be happy for her, but I know some part of me is insecure and jealous and full of ugly feelings.
Everybody has different journeys and self growth. But when she makes it look so easy, I wonder why can't I? Why can't I be focused and successful woman? Why can't I get the man of my dreams? Why can't I be everyone's favorite?
I know how childish I sound. I know how stupid it is to want something that sort. My post depression is purely based on "Look at all the other women. They're so put together. Why am I such a mess."
I always thought there was a lacking in me that cannot be fixed. I always thought if I was being loved the right way the right time, I would turn out to be a complete person. A person with a super excellent story.
When she says how happy she is in love with him, I want to feel it as well. The feeling is so alien to me, but I fancied this feeling since I read books on it, since I watched on movies, since I heard stories from real people. I feel such a dark heavy feeling, looking at myself. I feel so lonely sometimes it is unbearable. I drove people away because I am at my worst, I am at my pitfall. I can't be loved. I can't be held. I am broken before I am even trying anything anymore.
This is about love and friendship. I never had a friend who would deeply understand me. I never let anyone in. I always faced difficulty in opening up to people. And I am so vulnerable sometimes, I'm even scared at how ugly my emotions can be. I feel like nobody can ever love me. And I would die just like that, without anyone appreciating my existence. I have such few achievements in life, I almost wanna cave.
Why is 22 such a difficult age?
I sometimes wonder, since when I started to take that as my mission statement. Success stories and love stories are my secret enemies, they snatch away even the littlest bit of happiness I have left in me.
I want to be happy for her, but I know some part of me is insecure and jealous and full of ugly feelings.
Everybody has different journeys and self growth. But when she makes it look so easy, I wonder why can't I? Why can't I be focused and successful woman? Why can't I get the man of my dreams? Why can't I be everyone's favorite?
I know how childish I sound. I know how stupid it is to want something that sort. My post depression is purely based on "Look at all the other women. They're so put together. Why am I such a mess."
I always thought there was a lacking in me that cannot be fixed. I always thought if I was being loved the right way the right time, I would turn out to be a complete person. A person with a super excellent story.
When she says how happy she is in love with him, I want to feel it as well. The feeling is so alien to me, but I fancied this feeling since I read books on it, since I watched on movies, since I heard stories from real people. I feel such a dark heavy feeling, looking at myself. I feel so lonely sometimes it is unbearable. I drove people away because I am at my worst, I am at my pitfall. I can't be loved. I can't be held. I am broken before I am even trying anything anymore.
This is about love and friendship. I never had a friend who would deeply understand me. I never let anyone in. I always faced difficulty in opening up to people. And I am so vulnerable sometimes, I'm even scared at how ugly my emotions can be. I feel like nobody can ever love me. And I would die just like that, without anyone appreciating my existence. I have such few achievements in life, I almost wanna cave.
Why is 22 such a difficult age?
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