Everly

I do wait. No matter how many times I tell myself, it means nothing. I keep on waiting. For a notification to pop up. From a certain person. I do feel. No matter how many zillion times I show other people I'm numb. I keep on crying staring at the ceiling fan going round and round. At night when everybody is asleep. The light is only lit in my room. I whisper to my heart. Can you beat without taking orders from my neurons? I question my being. I question my honesty and innocence. I sink into oblivion And in a long pause, I barely feel anything. I barely do anything. I'm just there. In flesh, bones and blood, lying on bed, face soaking wet and barely got a hang of this life. The earth is spinning, I wish sometimes I could feel the spins from the ground. The gravity they say keeps us from floating, but I want to float. I want my tears to bubble up and fly in the air. My being is still a question mark As I exhale a deep breath in the dark I close my eyes and try t...

I didn't shower for two consecutive days because I dozed off after coming home from class, woke the next morning to class wearing tons of perfume and had midterms all week. I just had this slime type fiber juice my mom made me a while ago, because of my severe constipation, blood coming out of poop and I am just still a bit confused if that is period blood or piles. Hope it's not cancer. ( HAHA sorry for oversharing) Yes I am disgusting. Just cope with it. Speaking of that. I guess everybody has a coping mechanism when it comes to changes. This semester, I learned to get over him, I learned that whatever I felt for him was mixed with my own fantasies and myths and mushy thoughts influenced by watching too much romantic comedies. Today, my paradigm kind of shifted when I saw him mocking another of my friend, who's boyfriend is his one of the best friends by the way and my gut said, I don't love this man anymore. It wasn't jealousy. It was a realization. He ta...

It is funny how the brain works If you can't remember something, some word or phrase and you give up trying to remember, don't worry it will come up. Maybe not instantly or the day you want it to. But it will in days or weeks or even months after, it will reverse the information, you'll get what you once wanted to remember. Isn't it something amusing?  I once read something like this in Humayun Ahmed's book, in Misir Ali maybe. And I experienced this quite sometime in my life and now I believe it to be true.

this year I acknowledged that I can cry without having to think sorrows, I can mentally break down to songs, to movies and documentaries within seconds, and there need not to be any reasons for me to being sad and having a soaked pillow. I honestly don't know why I cried watching "Simply Complicated" It's a documentary of a celebrity, my childhood favorite singer Demi Lovato, whose struggles shown in it, struggles with drugs, cocaine, self harm, eating disorder, sleeping disorder and all the fucked up things addicts do...And I cried without even empathizing what was happening on the screen. I don't relate to her other than the fact that, I sleep a lot and I sometimes resist food for the fear of getting fat and the fact that I love music. My issues aren't big enough. And I think, I do think, I would have taken drugs if I had access to it, because I have such fascination toward it, I always talk to my friends about how I want to get high and feel the feelings a...

I feel good after just one hour of doing study. hehe.

I woke up at 5 pm today and my father forced me to do breakfast at 10 and let me go back to sleep again. Yesterday, I woke up at 7 at the evening. I can't leave my bed, I am that depressed. I know it isn't solely about the guy I am not talking to. I have his number, I am aching to give him a call but I am resisting it. He is 42, that keeps ringing in my head when I think about calling him. I woke up from a dream today. I was at BUP. It is the semi public university I once got accepted through written test but got sacked in viva. They didn't take me because my spoken English wasn't good enough. And I was a wreck at the interview. I was shaking and not answering their questions properly. If I studied there instead of Brac, my father would have to pay less than half the money he pays for my tuition fee. I never forgave myself for messing up the interview. Guess now I see in my dream what my mind wants to see. SO the dream was, I was there, admitted on a second time b...

So I am in a weird position right now. It all started with whisper. You know the app where you can chat with strangers. I was bored and I posted "Can't sleep." And this mystery man knocked me saying neither can I. I let out a sigh. And it rhymed. :v We chatted till dawn and he said a lot about him and I said a few. Because I didn't wanna go into something real...He is a business man, lives in NY but came here for couple of months, he is 42 year old, he's a divorcee, has a 4 year old son and last night he called me and technically he talked on and on and I was listening, I pressed the mute button on my side because my niece and my sister were asleep beside me, I didn't wanna wake them up....I only chatted and he was okay with that. And there you go. I'm on the way to becoming a slut. Tho I still have a chance to stop before anything happens between us, he just knows my first name and my age and where I study and some unimportant things but I am in a d...

I'm broke. It is just not about the money, it has so many aspects to it. I'm broke in a way that my parents can afford it but I feel guilty taking money from them I'm broke. I wish I could cry money. I swallow guilt every time I am handed a note for lunch. I don't eat. Well I do it like this, I split the money and use the least portion of it to buy snacks. My tummy tells me I'm not, while my mind forces me to think I'm full. Because I rather be hungry than feel guilt rushing through my veins rest of the day. My father doesn't count what he gives, he is a giver, My mother spends more than she saves And I'm broke. I don't earn money but I know how much of a pressure my father has to go through. And every time I order or purchase, I take a guilt trip twice, thrice, till the moment, I cry myself to sleep. I'm broke. I can't pay for my friend's birthdays, I said I will but I can't But I will, in the end, for my position in ...

I have this urge to dress up my depression in a way that everybody sees it as though I am perfectly happy in every circumstances life throws at me, which is kind of disturbing sometimes, because I feel terrible to pretend at times when all of my mind is hung up on one thing and I don't care a bit about what they have to say yet I pretend to care. Giggle at pun intended at me, and it is going fine if you look at it without observing it. But if you put me under a microscope I am not doing so fine. I cried myself to sleep last night while talking to God. I asked him to fix my brother because I can't still accept it. How he's so much alike a dead fish just floating, going with the flow that's it. He doesn't have an opinion on anything. He doesn't laugh so much. He is better than before I am thankful for that. But I miss him shouting. Claiming his ground whenever he is scold. These days, I feel like I actually lost him. I remember how he was in the childhood and I...