I hadn't cursed this much in my life in pain. If only screaming fuck hundred times in a pillow could work as a pain killer...RIP my left leg. I have a boil under my left thigh and which is sort of infected and I have missed classes this whole week, stayed in bed, flinched in pain every time I walked around the house to fetch me a glass of water or pee and I gotta tell you. I have never ever felt like dying this much.
I guess this is the way of my body telling me to shut down for a while. I have tortured it a lot. I kept myself awake at night, slept till noon, I have lost weight, I have been stressed out about unnecessary things. I guess this was my punishment.
This is just a bad year, it is not a bad life. I am starting to heal. Not being able to move much, made me think a lot. Made me realize, how I always cornered myself from people and stuffs...How every year, things keep changing and I don't much grow.
Just couple of nights ago, I couldn't sleep because of all the fears in me and the fact that I hadn't cried in a while, I went with the flow like a dead fish and didn't put much attention in what was going inside me. I suddenly burst into tears, in my dark room, so suddenly; feeling the pain both physically and mentally and I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I am the most loneliest person alive.
I heard myself saying- I failed everybody. I failed my father, my mother, I failed to be a good sister, I failed as a friend, as a daughter, a grand-daughter, as a lover, as a human, I failed to please God, I failed each and everyone I came across in my life.
And I kept sobbing. I kept thinking I still have to get sleep and wake up and put on a normal face and go to the university. And I knew I had to pretend that everything's okay with me to the pretentious friends I have. I knew I still had to give that quiz I took mere prep for. I knew I still had to talk to turtle dove and batman while having loathed them inside my mind.
I went to class that day and a not very close friend of mine asked me if everything was okay. He saw the difference. And that time I knew he is the one who genuinely cared. T and batman kept talking about the plan on Thursday to watch a movie and started talking to me again like normal. And almost that time, I knew what was that for. Because they need a ride to buy the tickets, and I could be their ride because the movie theater is close to my house. They practically ignored me last week and now they started being friendly because they need something out of me. I could see through that. Batman who never called me to check where I was, called me that day. Turtle dove who doesn't quite check on me, sent me all these messages till yesterday...She was forcing me to go on Thursday even so I was telling her how much pain I was in...I don't know why she cared less about my pain and more about the fact that every body will be there and if I don't go, it would look bad.She didn't say a word to me today.
They are all gonna hangout tomorrow. T had bought all the tickets with the help of some other friends and I haven't heard a word from her since. I am in bed all this week and all I could analyze was who my true friends are. I don't basically have anyone who genuinely cares. And I don't mind being alone. I am a secure person for the fact that I don't feel so awkward being seen alone. T always had an issue being seen alone, she needs to have people around and I had to walk her down the garage every time she came to my house. She never walked me down when I was at hers. I didn't ever ask though.
After all those emotional trauma I passed from my childhood, the school life, and my grandma who isn't alive anymore, of her always being negative toward me in the past, not being able to keep up with friends, not being bold/vocal, shying out from boys made me who I am today. A person who is unable to express her feelings rightly. Who is timid around people. Who just doesn't know herself quite yet to share herself with someone. I guess I am made to be alone and frustrated like this.
It would be a complete lie if I say, I haven't thought about him once in this whole breakdown. I realized, I have forgotten his face. I got the essence but the details are blurred. It is a good thing right? I guess being apart made that possible. I haven't heard or seen him last month and this month quite much. And I used to think how would I live without seeing his face? But here I am, starting not to miss him anymore. All my cravings for his attention are gone. I understood the fact that, when we talked, I couldn't quite connect with him, I was more in my head and he was more out there. He hasn't got an impressive physique and it is just his voice that maddened me for him. It was just some moments that I felt like everything could fall into place, I was being delusional. And I think, I am free from that. I think I have gotten over him. I think it is for the best. I guess the perfect man for me would be someone who will always have the right things to say and who I wouldn't need to hide anything. With whom I can be my genuine self with. It would be a life time reward if I get to meet him someday, as long as I am alive. I believe there is someone.
The scars in my wrists, suggest how damaged this year made me feel. I feel toxic. I feel like nothing in my life will go right. I feel all the fears that haven't even happened yet and I feel that I am gonna die very quickly without having anything to be remembered by.
I guess this is the way of my body telling me to shut down for a while. I have tortured it a lot. I kept myself awake at night, slept till noon, I have lost weight, I have been stressed out about unnecessary things. I guess this was my punishment.
This is just a bad year, it is not a bad life. I am starting to heal. Not being able to move much, made me think a lot. Made me realize, how I always cornered myself from people and stuffs...How every year, things keep changing and I don't much grow.
Just couple of nights ago, I couldn't sleep because of all the fears in me and the fact that I hadn't cried in a while, I went with the flow like a dead fish and didn't put much attention in what was going inside me. I suddenly burst into tears, in my dark room, so suddenly; feeling the pain both physically and mentally and I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I am the most loneliest person alive.
I heard myself saying- I failed everybody. I failed my father, my mother, I failed to be a good sister, I failed as a friend, as a daughter, a grand-daughter, as a lover, as a human, I failed to please God, I failed each and everyone I came across in my life.
And I kept sobbing. I kept thinking I still have to get sleep and wake up and put on a normal face and go to the university. And I knew I had to pretend that everything's okay with me to the pretentious friends I have. I knew I still had to give that quiz I took mere prep for. I knew I still had to talk to turtle dove and batman while having loathed them inside my mind.
I went to class that day and a not very close friend of mine asked me if everything was okay. He saw the difference. And that time I knew he is the one who genuinely cared. T and batman kept talking about the plan on Thursday to watch a movie and started talking to me again like normal. And almost that time, I knew what was that for. Because they need a ride to buy the tickets, and I could be their ride because the movie theater is close to my house. They practically ignored me last week and now they started being friendly because they need something out of me. I could see through that. Batman who never called me to check where I was, called me that day. Turtle dove who doesn't quite check on me, sent me all these messages till yesterday...She was forcing me to go on Thursday even so I was telling her how much pain I was in...I don't know why she cared less about my pain and more about the fact that every body will be there and if I don't go, it would look bad.She didn't say a word to me today.
They are all gonna hangout tomorrow. T had bought all the tickets with the help of some other friends and I haven't heard a word from her since. I am in bed all this week and all I could analyze was who my true friends are. I don't basically have anyone who genuinely cares. And I don't mind being alone. I am a secure person for the fact that I don't feel so awkward being seen alone. T always had an issue being seen alone, she needs to have people around and I had to walk her down the garage every time she came to my house. She never walked me down when I was at hers. I didn't ever ask though.
After all those emotional trauma I passed from my childhood, the school life, and my grandma who isn't alive anymore, of her always being negative toward me in the past, not being able to keep up with friends, not being bold/vocal, shying out from boys made me who I am today. A person who is unable to express her feelings rightly. Who is timid around people. Who just doesn't know herself quite yet to share herself with someone. I guess I am made to be alone and frustrated like this.
It would be a complete lie if I say, I haven't thought about him once in this whole breakdown. I realized, I have forgotten his face. I got the essence but the details are blurred. It is a good thing right? I guess being apart made that possible. I haven't heard or seen him last month and this month quite much. And I used to think how would I live without seeing his face? But here I am, starting not to miss him anymore. All my cravings for his attention are gone. I understood the fact that, when we talked, I couldn't quite connect with him, I was more in my head and he was more out there. He hasn't got an impressive physique and it is just his voice that maddened me for him. It was just some moments that I felt like everything could fall into place, I was being delusional. And I think, I am free from that. I think I have gotten over him. I think it is for the best. I guess the perfect man for me would be someone who will always have the right things to say and who I wouldn't need to hide anything. With whom I can be my genuine self with. It would be a life time reward if I get to meet him someday, as long as I am alive. I believe there is someone.
The scars in my wrists, suggest how damaged this year made me feel. I feel toxic. I feel like nothing in my life will go right. I feel all the fears that haven't even happened yet and I feel that I am gonna die very quickly without having anything to be remembered by.
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