Everly

What's with winter and festivals? No plans for New year's eve whatsoever.

I don't know what to believe anymore you know. In two days, there will be a change of a digit and I will be completing 20 years on this earth. In these 20 years, I am no near where I wanted to be. No near the things I wanted to achieve. But. But I suppose, that's what adult life is like. You get separated from faith and fantasy and get more exposed to the reality of pain and confusion. Of course, it doesn't apply to everybody. There are successful adults of 20 out there. Who worked hard on themselves, who gained something in return. It is time I accept that, if you don't put an energy on something, it won't have any outcome. I have to put myself out there. I have to set a constructive goal and work toward it. I can say, I am not scared of being Kind. Of being called- Innocent. Because, I have encountered people being ruthless, having no sense of character. And it only has driven me to be who I am right now on this very present. Just to make yourself look int...

Now, I consider myself to be a fully committed person. Like when I am starting to watch a TV show, I don't get to another TV show, until, and only until I finish up all the seasons. Okay, So I was watching Scrubs all this time up until T told me to watch The Vampire Diaries, so I kind of watched The Vampire Diaries for a few days, only to keep her word, and just after like completing one season of it I felt like I was cheating. I felt like I have to get back to Scrubs again, I just can't be such a hoe. So I stopped watching TVD, and now I am fully hooked up with Scrubs, up until again I found myself watching Inside Amy Schumer last night, it was just an honest mistake, I was surfing through youtube, watched some scenes and then before I knew it, I watched 3 episodes of season 1 on putlocker. And I already feel like I have cheated on Scrubs, yet Again. GOD this is awful. It also happens to me when I start a book and get hooked up by another book and then I get confused on whi...

You know what's pathetic about this year is that- I felt things very intensely and also, wasted December. Didn't travel anywhere. Spending it like a prisoner. No outcomes. I am hoping against hope that next year, I will make each day count.

UGH. It's like everyday I wake up. Do the same fucking thing. And then go back to sleep. Been watching sitcoms, and realizing my life's a joke. I planned to go outside today, dozed off on our couch. And I look ugly as hell. I've got acne spots all over my face. Hate the fact that I have to live with it until it goes away. Pain, Acne, Stupid hormones.

I heard him shouting out my name and I looked down from stage, it wasn't hard to spot him out of the crowd, since... If everyone was Black and White, he was the one in screaming colors. And I know it's a metaphor. But you get the idea. The story doesn't lose its originality, It is how falling in love feels like. You lose the connection to reality. You lose a bunch of things. Like- Self-worth..Esteem.Control... You assume- he/she is worth the headache. I know what you must be thinking- but here's the thing I am not a love specialist- I've never been into relationships. However, I know how it is like, falling in love with someone, ever so deeply that you cling to every small detail. Every memory that he left off on you. Every footprint on your stomach(Metaphor Alert) When he abandoned you.When he gave of a feeling, you don't even exist. All the butterflies you felt for him, died just then. You remember them all. Because, he lives with that string of memories with...

Ooooowkay. This year is ending soon.It had an affect on me. I've changed and grown. Time for a pledge...New years always surprise me. So there is no point in forecasting. Still. I've got a feeling. I will manage things more maturely than I did this year. I will try at least to avoid the things that I know pain me. It is not easy, forgetting him since he is in our friend circle. But this semester I took courses that may collide his schedule, resulting a lot few encounters than this last one. I hope- Keyword-HOPE(can't promise anything yet)-that I will have to see less of him. That would be healthy for me. Feelings will fade. In Sha Allah.  My CGPA has lessened over the year. I cannot afford another year of this. I have no option left than studying...You know. I make mistakes over and over. No matter how many times, I see myself, drowning like this, I never learn to get up. I don't put myself in action. Next year,I have to have a fit mind for it. I have to stay fi...

Some of my friends are going on a trip. I feel extremely clingy to home. Mainly because my parents are never going to let me go on a trip where I have to stay overnight and where there's guys involved.Or even if. There is no guys involved, only girls, they would still want me not to stay the night.   It is fine because I don't expect they would change for one trip with friends. If I expected, they wouldn't change anyway, resulting a week of depression I would then have to deal with.Thank goodness, I started to accept the way they are. Most parents are alike. If there's any consolation, the one who needs changing, is the society as a whole. We don't have safety, the women. We are brought up by this notion that Men could harm us. In various ways. My cousin sister has called all the way from UAE, my father is video chatting with her. She is studying masters in pharmacy in London, just spending her Christmas vacation home. She's a hard worker. I feel so dumb a...

I have hair mask on. Tonight, I am also gonna wear a face-pack. Just grooming for the annual lunch party at college tomorrow. Me and my sister going. I asked Ankan. She has exam. I thought this could be a reunion. But apparently, she is the only close friend I have from college. And Ann isn't here. So it is just me, my sister and her old friends. Whatever. I just needed an excuse to wear saari and makeup. It's high time I went to a party. Rudzah has gone to her father's house. And nanu is staying at her sister's house for a while. So I've got the room to myself. I like it. I missed this privacy. But also missing my baby niece. I used to snuggle with her. She's so soft. I am just never tired of looking at her eyes. SO CUTE. I die. I am gonna shower. It is almost 7 pm now. I literally have no time sense these days. I woke up at 4.30 pm, then had brunch watching scrubs. Now I am gonna go wash my hair. I am sorry I just can't keep up with the regular time. ...

Dear Blog. Things changed between me and Turtle Dove...I don't know about her, at least I feel it. And fortunately it's a positive change. I came to like her :) She came to visit my niece at my house, we spent time together, we talked, opened up and now I feel like, she could be the person I can be myself with. Had misjudged her few months back. Had doubts in our friendship, now it is clear. She is actually cool. Common grounds. We are crushed on the same guy. This sucks but it's kind of okay since none of us are getting him...Although I sometimes feel if SG mentally connects with anybody in our group, it is her. She covers up her liking for him pretty well. Unlike me. But it is kind of nice. Having someone I can open up to. Be myself again. I missed that since Ankan and Ann. My finals are over. I have got A- on one of my course and B+ on another one. So far, it is bearable. The exams I fucked up had not yet been revealed so the tension is on. I promised myself wh...

finals are over, my cgpa is going to be pretty low this semester. I fucked up maths and eco. It sucks how I was actually looking forward and was almost sure of doing better. I never did so worse. This has so far been a bullshit semester.

Hello Me. It is okay to feel numb. Feelings are mind made illusions. Making you think situations to pain you, convince you- you actually care. It is okay dear if you don't wanna participate. If you just want to be a silent watcher. Listener. Non-sympathizer. We live in a society, where we must. If we go otherwise it won't frame us as normal.The whole concept of the society is, it is collective thinking and stereotyping. It doesn't mean you don't have emotions. You have'em. Feelings are dramatized form of your emotions, you keep em silent. You are like this. You cannot change. It's okay. I accept you. Even when you choose to camouflage. Even when you're not truthful, your heart speaks otherwise. I accept you despite the fact that you once laughed at one's death. You were finally free of the dominance that person held and you've changed since. You laughed because you were shocked. Body is a mysterious thing. You never know the hormones b...

I lost the count how many times I have been telling myself to study. FInals starting this sunday I messed up my marketing presentation went blank. I also lost count how many times I did that while giving presentations. It's like every semester. Sigh.., I kinda suck at everything. Everything. Now it is 3.15 in the morning. I managed to waste that much time doing nothing. So I am here with my coffee and tomorrow is my final. Now for the coffee I had to steal some of my niece's milk powder. Because I couldn't locate ours in the kitchen. I already feel like I am a bad aunt. She is awake tho. I really want to take her in my lap and sit here in the living room and stare at her. It is weird how I can never get tired of her face. She is just...so much peace. I have to do math. I must. So I am starting with a mug full of coffee. I am starting to feel like. This is how I always end up before the exam. With caffeine and writing on my blog I haven't studied anything y...