Everly

Today is legendary. Leonardo DiCaprio got an OSCAR! Finally! I can die peacefully now. I am feeling good after so long. Today I felt like I fitted in. I laughed out loud with my friends. My crush(LOL can't believe I am saying this) talked to me today, he was like avoiding me all week because well I made things awkward by ignoring him in the first place. I just want things to be normal between us, I hope by now he realized, I am not a dating material and I see him only as a friend. By the way, I got 80% mark on my mid, bus101. I thought I would get an F on this subject. Finally, things are going at a normal pace. I am feeling happy after so long, I know this feeling won't stay long. Soon problems will start taking over my life and piss me off. But let's just focus on what is now.

When I get mad at someone, I become ever so heartless. And nothing I can do about it. Mostly, I hurt people whom I love. People who hold special place in my heart. I hurt them, their feelings and get hurt myself. Why. Why do I keep doing this. I am a bad person.

I am usually a stay-home girl and liked being home in the weekends. But I don't know what happened to me these days, I hate being home. These days I like being out, I like being around people, strangers, cars. I just like being outside. Away from my parents, away from home. Is that because I have grown? I am turning 20 this April, will no longer be called a teenager. That is bad news. I loved being a teen. Being a teen means you get to disagree and argue with your parents rather than negotiating with them. I hate getting old each year. Why can I stop where I am right now. Anyway I am just concerned. I should go out for movies with my friends. Then my weekend could be fun and refreshing. I don't think anyone my age, spends their weekend at home, they either date or go shopping or at least do something productive. I am on my period. Doing nothing serves me with enough time to feel and think. You know what happens this time of the month? Girls feel too much. I seriously need ...

Is it okay to compromise for a person I care least about? I feel like I pretend a lot. There is this type of pretending I do. I bottle up my raw feelings and show only few. I think that as profession of sort. Because when you're not shouting out what you're feeling inside and nodding in silent, that is like faking it. I don't like being the quiet person. I hate being it. I hate when people say I don't talk enough. My mind is too noisy. I don't respond fast. I don't react much. I thought I knew myself. I thought myself as an energetic person, who would say something out the blue and would happen to be hilarious. I never thought myself as a calm person. I thought I was clumsy. I thought I was scattered, thoughtless, funny. I thought I was less silent. Indeed, I am not what I think I am.

I want to do something crazy. Something reckless and stupid. Something out of the zone. You know what zone I am talking about. I feel like I am suffocating in it. Why can't I be free. free from all of this crap. There is no right and wrong. The sense of right and wrong are created by people. Generations to generations. DO THAT,DON'T DO THAT. I am tired of this. I want to do what I like. For once in my life, I want to be free. I want to get drunk and high. Then fall back again into this normal boring stupid fucked up life. Oops my bad. My life isn't fucked up, I wish it was. It's normal. SO normal that I want to kill myself.  I am not kidding... I literally want to do something crazy. For myself. Something that I will remember lying in my deathbed and crackle in glee. 

Here's the thing. I have to love myself a great deal. I have realized I don't love myself enough to accept my features and faults. I can handle criticism but when it comes to compliments, I suck at it. I suck at receiving it and I get surprised as hell like I don't deserve it. As turtle dove said to me the other day, I have to learn to own it. Nothing special is happening. I am just realizing how awkward I am as a human being.

Today was awesome! First concert in the uni. Had so much fun! And my cousin was there. Double the fun.

I am falling into something I was trying to avoid all along. i was craving for friends, and I've got amazing friends except one of them is I consider my only friend. She is so nice. Yeah. Turtle dove. Her real name also starts with T. :) There's nothing to complain about. University is being bearable only because of her. She appreciates me in all things, nothing I can want as more as that in a friend. In past I had hung out with people who didn't actually made me feel good about myself. Except Ankan and Ann. Tho they were brutally honest but never put me down. But since they are no longer hanging out with me, I needed someone who I could feel comfort with. Because, firstly I am not so open around boys. I feel awkward. And sometimes I crush. Secondly, I don't need a valid reason to crush on a boy. If he knows what he is talking about, I am into him. If he is funny, I am into him so bad. Crush isn't a serious thing. Serious issue is when you confuse a friendship ...

I am feeling so weird lately. Boys make me feel so weird. So weird.

Life has become blunt. These days I am talking too much of life. It is becoming tolerable and tasteless . Don't feel sorry for my vocabulary I actually wanted to use these words. I am feeling for those people who would have taken drugs on this stage. I know what they would have gone through. It is like losing the essence of aliveness. Nothing is interesting. No excitements there. Either worry or anxieties. Either bed or sofa. Either panicking or restlessness. Either silent or sleep. In literal, being a living dead. All those depressing thoughts just made me live unhealthy. I sleep over hours, eat nothing at all and then eat like a cow. Whenever I am depressed, I get really reckless over my skin. I don't clean, I don't moisturize. I feel like a garbage can. Mostly, I feel like a bad person doing this things to my body. Not staying healthy. Not doing hard-work, it's like affecting me as a whole. Maybe because I am a nice person I feel bad. What if I smoked like th...

Have you watched "The Duff"? Now if you have, you will understand what position I am currently in. What does Duff stand for...Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Pretty girls don't always hangout with other pretty girls, and that's a fact. And guys, they always go for -I am using the term "Less pretty girls" here; case sensitive, because they are easily approachable and the right person to ask favor. Whatever is confessed by the guy, he hopes that the less pretty girl will secretly pass it on the pretty girl and learn her feelings and take actions accordingly. Trust me on this, it's not that complicate of a process. Turtle dove and I are getting duffed. Turtle dove especially. I don't know, if she knows it yet.She hangs out with him all the time. I am telling you, this guy is a player. He will stop giving attention to turtle dove when he will get the girl. And even tho turtle dove is enjoying his company, she may get hurt when this thing will be over for ...

So this is getting fucking interesting. What should I say. So Mcdreamy has a crush on S&H. Yeah. I was completely wrong all this time. I thought he was crushing on turtle dove!!! But no they're just BFF's. He got friends with her so he could reach S&H. Now through us! Yes the worst nightmare has come, today turtle dove and I hung out with him. Now this isn't as worse as it seems. I thought I was fancying him but now that I know him from close. I don't really like him much...I mean he is cute but not so charming. I mean, look. He is kind of flirty. and he even was talking about backup plans to her friends. I mean. dude seriously, if you genuinely like someone you should have said to her directly rather than using her friends to do it...And then even talking about another girl as a backup plan, how can we see our friend in this position. Not cool. And the interesting part is S&h knows about it all. There's a group on facebook as well where all the s...