Everly

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...

 Dear B, I realized when I have nothing much to do that is when I miss my husband the most. That is when loneliness creeps in.  Today was one of those days. I tried doing yoga, watching shows, and cooking dinner. However, my mind keeps racing and I lose focus. The show keeps playing on the background and I do other things.  I did clean the refrigerator for the first time. Felt good after seeing a clean fridge.  I have work the next two days so at least I will keep busy those days.  I did meet few new people last week. It was nice actually meeting people my own age for a change.  Yeah, today, I honestly feel kinda meh.  Hope this time flies fast, I am counting down the days to reunite with my husband.   UGH

 Hi B,  I have been going through a lot of phases.  Living alone is certainly a challenge. I am discovering parts of me that I did not imagine has existed to me before. I found myself choosing new outfits and new colours. I am going to donate a bunch of my old clothes that I held into for a long time without reason. I feel really disgusted by the old self. It is like, I am shedding my skin and embracing the self that was hiding under it.  I gave the new friendship another chance and I feel better. We hung out last night and had good conversations. I am grateful that I found someone in this lonely city to talk about life with. Still it is very new so I don't want to put too much expectations. Adulting is hard itself and it won't be always possible to make time and effort for each other. I have accepted that and trying to be more understanding through the process.  My husband and I don't get to talk much as he is working really hard and busy with the new work situ...

 Dear B,  Who knew adult friendships could be this hard to maintain? I have been trying more than ever to make new friends or revive my old connections and I realized it takes two to build it. From my part, I have been so open and welcoming but felt sort of rigidity from the other side. It is so hard being alone in this city, B. I did not know it would be this hard honestly. It reminds me of my primary school days where I had a hard time making friends and being social. It is like, every fibre of my being wants to be accepted and belong but there is somehow a block. I know it is nothing personal. Everyone is busy but it just hurts that I put on the effort and get blank responses.  I did talk with one of my old connections after years. He lives in Australia. We became friends from Tinder but we never met in person. We have had conversations in the past where we both were very vulnerable with each other. Honestly, in this whole lonely city, being thousands miles away, surpr...

 Hi B,  There has been so many changes for me recently.  I have been working part-time.  My husband went offshore for work. We are going to do long distance for 6 months.  I made a new friend. We went to same university back in BD. It was really nice catching up with her. We never actually talked back in the day. Practically strangers but it felt really good to finally talk to people my age.  I am living alone! This is the 2nd day and I already miss him so much.  Since when did he become such an integral part of my life? Our apartment feels so empty and lifeless.  It is okay, I have to hang on for this 6 months. I have to endure the change of seasons. I have to make sure I get home safely everyday. I have to explore the city, potentially make more friends.  So this is how it is for now.  I feel like these changes would be good for making me strong and brave.  So I am open to it.  I will update you more as the day goes by. For n...

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...

 Dear B.  Past few days have been really tough on me given that I started a new job and I was feeling really shaky and anxious about everything in my life. It messed with my sleep, my mood, my appetite, relationship with my husband, and overall made me lose connection to myself. I felt so down and something just didn't feel right.  Today, I feel really calm and collected. I realized when hard times come, it is really important not to lose hope. It is so easy to give in to it and let the mind narrate a story that is far from reality just to put ourselves at unease. However, we have to remind ourselves as many times as we can that it is a temporary feeling and let it pass without putting more thoughts into it.  On the bus rides, countless times I have victimized myself thinking "I am not worth it" or "I am so poor", "Maybe I'll lose this job", "Maybe my husband will stop loving me", "He doesn't make any efforts" and it only pu...

 Hello B, I had a crazy night and an anxiety episode few days back. I was drunk and for some reason, I channeled a very sad energy and started sobbing in public. It was the first day of my work too and I guess I was too overwhelmed.  I just remember in the girl's washroom at the club, I was crying to some stranger and she was so nice and kind and told me it is completely normal to feel this way.  I guess I surpassed a lot of feelings inside and it all came out and I just couldn't handle it.  I remember crying so hard.  I also opened up to my husband how unhappy I had been lately and that we don't go out and spend couple time anymore. He listened and said he is now going to make efforts.  I was thinking very negatively about everything and it didn't do me well. I felt like I was in such a bad place oh god.  I have to take care of myself well. I have to make time to process feelings and also try not to be so insecure.  My insecurity stems from me fe...

 Hey B,  I got a job offer. It is part-time and long distance from my area but it is a start.  I had gone through a lot emotionally and psychologically that at this point, I will take whatever comes my way. It is not that much of money but it is still something to get my dignity back.  I am still awaiting responses from other interviews but I said yes to this one for now. My heart said, you should not let go of it. So I listened to my gut and took it.  I know I can work hard and do better. I know this will help me to reconcile myself and get myself on a track. At least, now I see a path ahead of me. I am not so scared anymore. I know everything will work out at the end.  There is no gain without pain. I know this long hour bus rides will be tough but I also do know it will give me a purpose to wake up and hustle. I know I will meet new people. I know I will learn something. I am excited for that.  I am proud of myself that I took charge and showed up f...

 I am in luteal phase and everything my husband doing is irritating me.  It is all scientific I know but still everything is so annoying and I just wanted pizza. He ordered biryani.  I wanted to go on a date on valentines day. He brought me flowers, which was sweet but he forgot to book the restaurant and we ended up going costco instead. I just feel like I am wasting my best years on him. Is it normal to feel like that. We are almost 2 years into our married life and I already miss our initial chemistry. I feel like we are being like an old married couple. It shouldn't feel like that, right? I mean, it is still new; we aren't that old yet.  I feel so bored honestly, and disappointed.  Again, this could be because of my luteal phase.  I am sad too.  I wish, he made a little more effort to make me feel special. Make me feel deserving. I wish I didn't dress up to do our groceries on Valentines day. 

Dear B,  I've had an interview yesterday for a job, which I don't know if went well. I will hear from them end of this week. I don't want to get disappointed so I am not expecting much out of it. I am glad at least I was shortlisted for an interview. Actually, for months my resume was getting unnoticed. So, having calls for interviews actually a good sign.  Today, I also had the urge to stay in bed and do nothing. Instead, I woke up, made myself breakfast, and uploaded a reel about it. I currently have only 37 followers but I am staying committed for those 37 people lol and most of them are my friends. I don't have much clue what I am doing. I am just trying it out. Though it is hard for me get comfortable with the camera. I also did my bare minimum 20 minutes workout. So I guess, I am staying consistent with the commitment I made to show up for myself.  I want to get more disciplined. I guess I have to push myself more. So far, it is not too bad.  I will update you ...

 Hi B,  I am at this point of my life where I can either play the blame game and be a victim or be in charge of fixing my life. Searching for jobs has been so frustrating. However, I can't give up on it. I know I will get a job by this year and things will get easier.  I am trying to show up for myself every day instead of seeking refuge in my bed. I am trying to be consistent. I am trying out a new thing called content creation. I am working out at least 20 minutes a day. Somedays I do feel lazy but I still make myself do at least something. I have emotional breakdowns often and I get disappointed at my husband too for not being a good husband sometimes but then again, he is not in charge of my life. I can't simply expect that. I guess I am just trying to navigate through this mess called 'life.'  What made me realize is that without work there won't be any outcomes. I can't just simply sit on my ass all day and expect results. I have had enough of this. I move...

 Dear B,  I have been doing okay. However, I do find myself sleeping a lot.  I realized that everyone's life is a little fucked up. So I actually feel grateful for whatever I have. I am very blessed for the love and care I get every single day and honestly some days I wonder what I did to deserve it.  I grew up in a family where love wasn't recognized directly. It was maybe expressed in indirect actions,  such as cut out fruits on the table or simply just living every day life together as a family.  Now, I hear I love yous everyday, I get hugs on demand, cuddles, share my frustrations. It is different and feels very nice.  I am not saying the love I received from my family is any less but it got polluted with lack of boundaries, screaming and shouting at each other, and indirectness. My parents did what they could and I don't have any grudge against them. I have all the resources to me now to heal and improve on the person I am today.  My life is ...

 Dear B, I feel so deeply lost, anxious, sad, and scared. Most of my problems stem from financial issues. I wish I could be calm and collected in front of my husband who is trying his best to afford us together. However, there are times, I just let out my frustrations. I am human and super emotional one at that. I grew up seeing financial hurdles my parents faced and I have seen my mom always being a bitch to him. I never in my whole life wanted to be like my mom. How she caused so much stress in the family and always shouting at us or my dad for not having enough to sustain us. I have seen my dad work so hard for us. I have seen his struggles. I never wanted to be this ungrateful person but this is so hard! It is like my childhood trauma baggage is unfolding again.  The most stable stage in my life was back home, when I had a job. The feeling of independence was something else. Now, I miss it to the core. I am a 28 year old woman, basically a house-wife now and it kills me in...