Skip to main content

 Dear B,

I feel so deeply lost, anxious, sad, and scared. Most of my problems stem from financial issues. I wish I could be calm and collected in front of my husband who is trying his best to afford us together. However, there are times, I just let out my frustrations. I am human and super emotional one at that. I grew up seeing financial hurdles my parents faced and I have seen my mom always being a bitch to him. I never in my whole life wanted to be like my mom. How she caused so much stress in the family and always shouting at us or my dad for not having enough to sustain us. I have seen my dad work so hard for us. I have seen his struggles. I never wanted to be this ungrateful person but this is so hard! It is like my childhood trauma baggage is unfolding again. 

The most stable stage in my life was back home, when I had a job. The feeling of independence was something else. Now, I miss it to the core. I am a 28 year old woman, basically a house-wife now and it kills me inside everyday. I wake up with the feeling of void. I am not that materialistic. Don't get me wrong. I just want to afford the basic things in life. Currently, I am not even able to do that. I don't want to blame my husband because I see that he tries. He takes care of me with all he has. I am very grateful for that. I don't have any regrets marrying him. 

I have to love myself. I can't wake up this late, have a bad diet, not exercise, do absolutely nothing all day. This life is not acceptable. I need to have more discipline and have to fall in love with life again. I know things are tough now but it will get better. I have to stay strong. I have to pick myself up. I have to do things I commit myself to. I have to show up for myself. If I don't, nobody else will. 

So B, can you please tell me everything will be okay? Because I have nobody here I can share these things to. I am that hopeless and lost child again who has no one to turn to for these. I feel like I am back to the same hellhole I once was in. Can you save me again?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”

“If I had a camera," I said, "I'd take a picture of you every day. That way I'd remember how you looked every single day of your life." "I look exactly the same." "No, you don't. You're changing all the time. Every day a tiny bit. If I could, I'd keep a record of it all." "If you're so smart, how did I change today?" "You got a fraction of a millimeter taller, for one thing. Your hair grew a fraction of a millimeter longer. And your breasts grew a fraction of a—" "They did not!" "Yes, they did." "Did NOT." "Did too." "What else, you big pig?" "You got a little happier and also a little sadder." "Meaning they cancel out each other, leaving me exactly the same." "Not at all. The fact that you got a little happier today doesn't change the fact that you also become a little sadder. Every day you become a little more of both, which me...
Post a Comment
Read more

v day

 I am in luteal phase and everything my husband doing is irritating me.  It is all scientific I know but still everything is so annoying and I just wanted pizza. He ordered biryani.  I wanted to go on a date on valentines day. He brought me flowers, which was sweet but he forgot to book the restaurant and we ended up going costco instead. I just feel like I am wasting my best years on him. Is it normal to feel like that. We are almost 2 years into our married life and I already miss our initial chemistry. I feel like we are being like an old married couple. It shouldn't feel like that, right? I mean, it is still new; we aren't that old yet.  I feel so bored honestly, and disappointed.  Again, this could be because of my luteal phase.  I am sad too.  I wish, he made a little more effort to make me feel special. Make me feel deserving. I wish I didn't dress up to do our groceries on Valentines day. 
Post a Comment
Read more

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more