I am tired of people getting disappointed in me. And by people I mean my family.
I feel like they don't want me to be happy for a second. I think they loathe the whole idea. My dad, my mom, my sister, my brother, . They don't want to see me happy.
Today morning, I had a big fight with my dad, because I was just slightly appearing late for my exam. But it was just that. A slight possibility of being late. And he took that out on me. He pointed out my negligence, my oversleeping, my carelessness for hsc and every little guilt I commit. And he yelled which made me nervous and more furious. It just got uglier on the way, when I screamed back at him, when I said things, I am not very proud of. I love my dad. When my dad gets hurt I get hurt too. I cry. Like I am now. How silly that is. I snapped at him whenever he pointed out my callousness toward this board exam and whenever he said he had no idea how I could get a respective grade by not studying a thing. This made me angry.I studied for heaven's sake. I did. I have put an effort, I have studied despite hating it so bad. How could he say such things and just before I was about to attend an exam?I had calmed my mind only when he gave me the benefit of the doubt. That, I would do fine. This three words were what kept me in piece and shape before I was served the question paper. And I did fine.
They affect. They do. Their words affect me more than anything ever could. But most of the time I feel like I am being questioned, that I have to prove a point. They make me feel like, I don't worth it. If I get an A+ It will be just a coincidence because I don't study a thing. And because I have AC in my room and my brother hasn't, he thinks I am over privileged and that his subjects are way harder than mine. Yes my subjects are easier, I didn't pick science because I wasn't cut out for it. I hated science since high school. I always had gotten a D on it. My brother takes out his failures, his stresses, his phobias, his regrets, all on me. Everything I own, he's got a say in that. Why do I have such big room and why is he in Cambridge not Edexcel. Why he has to do maths 100 times harder than the maths I have to do in statistics- In short, why's my life so easy and his so complicated?
I'll tell you. He's the one in English medium. He's the one with more hopes and dreams. I- I just have to get a gpa 5. He's the one, my dad's gonna pay for private university and he's the one to get to study in his favorite subject- Computer Science. And I am the one who have to pass the competitive public university admission test and grab whatever subject I get because it'd be free. If I don't pass however I have no idea where I would end up. You tell me. Is it so bad having just an AC in my room, or having a room after all this time I suffered when they both had one each? Am I over privileged?
And what will I write about my sister? She's such a sweet heart. She never actually cared about my happiness whatsoever. She was/is busy with her life and she wants what she wants. She did whatever had made her happy, not caring a thing about me. She leaded. I was followed by her favorite colored things, shampoos,lotions, everything she picked up for herself, I was the one just sharing it.I was her shadow.All this time, I have lived like this, depending on her decisions, her choices.
And my mother. She never, ever saw me as her beloved daughter. She's seen me as an instrument. Sometimes as shame, because I lack in everything I do. Sometimes she would flaunt about my beauty, my curly hair and she would intentionally do it to flaunt herself, flaunt what I inherited.She doesn't like me, she only likes my sister, and she thinks I am a wall between she and her. She thinks because of my exams, my sister isn't coming home however she is often, but she doesn't find it enough. So she would indirectly blame me for it. She would say, since I got my own room, I started getting reckless and my sister should come more often because I don't study anyway. I have nothing against my sister coming home, I am just vaguely upset at the fact that they blame me for this, for getting a god damn room; for wanting to live my life as I want to; for wanting some peace and quiet; for being happy, they blame me, they find it surreal, they find it reckless.I feel like they're against me. All of them. They don't see what I see. I feel marooned in my own house.
I feel like they don't want me to be happy for a second. I think they loathe the whole idea. My dad, my mom, my sister, my brother, . They don't want to see me happy.
Today morning, I had a big fight with my dad, because I was just slightly appearing late for my exam. But it was just that. A slight possibility of being late. And he took that out on me. He pointed out my negligence, my oversleeping, my carelessness for hsc and every little guilt I commit. And he yelled which made me nervous and more furious. It just got uglier on the way, when I screamed back at him, when I said things, I am not very proud of. I love my dad. When my dad gets hurt I get hurt too. I cry. Like I am now. How silly that is. I snapped at him whenever he pointed out my callousness toward this board exam and whenever he said he had no idea how I could get a respective grade by not studying a thing. This made me angry.I studied for heaven's sake. I did. I have put an effort, I have studied despite hating it so bad. How could he say such things and just before I was about to attend an exam?I had calmed my mind only when he gave me the benefit of the doubt. That, I would do fine. This three words were what kept me in piece and shape before I was served the question paper. And I did fine.
They affect. They do. Their words affect me more than anything ever could. But most of the time I feel like I am being questioned, that I have to prove a point. They make me feel like, I don't worth it. If I get an A+ It will be just a coincidence because I don't study a thing. And because I have AC in my room and my brother hasn't, he thinks I am over privileged and that his subjects are way harder than mine. Yes my subjects are easier, I didn't pick science because I wasn't cut out for it. I hated science since high school. I always had gotten a D on it. My brother takes out his failures, his stresses, his phobias, his regrets, all on me. Everything I own, he's got a say in that. Why do I have such big room and why is he in Cambridge not Edexcel. Why he has to do maths 100 times harder than the maths I have to do in statistics- In short, why's my life so easy and his so complicated?
I'll tell you. He's the one in English medium. He's the one with more hopes and dreams. I- I just have to get a gpa 5. He's the one, my dad's gonna pay for private university and he's the one to get to study in his favorite subject- Computer Science. And I am the one who have to pass the competitive public university admission test and grab whatever subject I get because it'd be free. If I don't pass however I have no idea where I would end up. You tell me. Is it so bad having just an AC in my room, or having a room after all this time I suffered when they both had one each? Am I over privileged?
And what will I write about my sister? She's such a sweet heart. She never actually cared about my happiness whatsoever. She was/is busy with her life and she wants what she wants. She did whatever had made her happy, not caring a thing about me. She leaded. I was followed by her favorite colored things, shampoos,lotions, everything she picked up for herself, I was the one just sharing it.I was her shadow.All this time, I have lived like this, depending on her decisions, her choices.
And my mother. She never, ever saw me as her beloved daughter. She's seen me as an instrument. Sometimes as shame, because I lack in everything I do. Sometimes she would flaunt about my beauty, my curly hair and she would intentionally do it to flaunt herself, flaunt what I inherited.She doesn't like me, she only likes my sister, and she thinks I am a wall between she and her. She thinks because of my exams, my sister isn't coming home however she is often, but she doesn't find it enough. So she would indirectly blame me for it. She would say, since I got my own room, I started getting reckless and my sister should come more often because I don't study anyway. I have nothing against my sister coming home, I am just vaguely upset at the fact that they blame me for this, for getting a god damn room; for wanting to live my life as I want to; for wanting some peace and quiet; for being happy, they blame me, they find it surreal, they find it reckless.I feel like they're against me. All of them. They don't see what I see. I feel marooned in my own house.
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