woke up to a beautiful dream the other day. I don't quite remember what was it about, but I just remember it was beautiful and I smiled in my sleep.
I haven't slept for a while. Usually I oversleep or don't sleep at all. So yeah, here I am sleep deprived and I don't know I just thought I should type something up. How was the day- ugh tiring...How was my mood- neutral. How often I judged people in my mind- pretty much the whole time. Well cut the three hours out, I had an exam today and it was- meh.Works for me.
Then I realized, OH my god. I have only two left. TWO! JUST this two then I'll be free from HSC zone. Just think about it.This whole academic bullshit will finally end and I will get to study what I like. Hopefully.
I judge people. Oh my god it's what I do. All the time. Every action I judge. I know this is not a good act. People don't like getting judged. Obviously they wouldn't if they knew that they were judged. I mean. It's all in my head. I say the complete opposite of what I always have in my mind. Like-
Look at those nails! Did you manicure yourself? (Eww. seriously! I think she bites on them.)
When someone shows off his photographing skills, I'm like- (Doesn't he have any work other than of that?Ugh awful.)
When someone flaunts themselves up front I'm like -Totally, yeah! Awesome. (You need to stop, I can't make up any more lies please. Don't make me.)
Hahahaha (Just too lame.)
When someone thinks he/she is the most flawless person alive that's when the nightmare begins, because I then never break from searching the flaw, and I mostly find it. I find what I search. The reason that they think they're flawless is the reason they're flawed. They're just flawed little creatures like we all humans are.
When someone is taking pride, too much of it, I mentally abandon him/her. I mentally create a boundary in between and I will never let them hover it, I will guard it and that's how them and I, we never blend in.
I can be overly sweet to someone I dislike. For the sake of kindness. Yeah because I feel pity for them and a little superiority. In short, they make me feel I am so much better than they are. And it's just comforting.
One thing I do. I forget all these things above if a person makes me laugh. Makes me forget about any current situations while through giggling. That. is. when I never judge.That is when I start to like, I don't abandon any of it, that's when all these weird fetishes disappear.
One thing is clear- He has to be playful. He has to make me laugh since the first day and everyday. He has to answer me, often with a punchline because I hate dullness. He has to be busy with his career, he has to have goals or else. I don't know how am I going to be attracted. Because I like seeing passion for what one does for living. It can't be a side job. It has to be main or neither. I hate when people don't strive for what they think they're best at. He hates his job, he doesn't love art enough to be poor...Then It's a turn off for me. So he has to be passionate, he has to be funny because if he's not I'm afraid neither am I. When someone's over serious with me, I get far too serious. It's contagious, the vibe.
The bottom line is, there's no bottom line. I thought I should just share how screwed up my thoughts are. How despicable of me, to do that to people. Even to people I adore, I love. I know how to make people swallow words, lies that comfort them. I am a big fat liar, mostly to myself because I hide my feelings, I hide what I think are true to me. I don't know why I do it.
I haven't slept for a while. Usually I oversleep or don't sleep at all. So yeah, here I am sleep deprived and I don't know I just thought I should type something up. How was the day- ugh tiring...How was my mood- neutral. How often I judged people in my mind- pretty much the whole time. Well cut the three hours out, I had an exam today and it was- meh.Works for me.
Then I realized, OH my god. I have only two left. TWO! JUST this two then I'll be free from HSC zone. Just think about it.This whole academic bullshit will finally end and I will get to study what I like. Hopefully.
I judge people. Oh my god it's what I do. All the time. Every action I judge. I know this is not a good act. People don't like getting judged. Obviously they wouldn't if they knew that they were judged. I mean. It's all in my head. I say the complete opposite of what I always have in my mind. Like-
Look at those nails! Did you manicure yourself? (Eww. seriously! I think she bites on them.)
When someone shows off his photographing skills, I'm like- (Doesn't he have any work other than of that?Ugh awful.)
When someone flaunts themselves up front I'm like -Totally, yeah! Awesome. (You need to stop, I can't make up any more lies please. Don't make me.)
Hahahaha (Just too lame.)
When someone thinks he/she is the most flawless person alive that's when the nightmare begins, because I then never break from searching the flaw, and I mostly find it. I find what I search. The reason that they think they're flawless is the reason they're flawed. They're just flawed little creatures like we all humans are.
When someone is taking pride, too much of it, I mentally abandon him/her. I mentally create a boundary in between and I will never let them hover it, I will guard it and that's how them and I, we never blend in.
I can be overly sweet to someone I dislike. For the sake of kindness. Yeah because I feel pity for them and a little superiority. In short, they make me feel I am so much better than they are. And it's just comforting.
One thing I do. I forget all these things above if a person makes me laugh. Makes me forget about any current situations while through giggling. That. is. when I never judge.That is when I start to like, I don't abandon any of it, that's when all these weird fetishes disappear.
One thing is clear- He has to be playful. He has to make me laugh since the first day and everyday. He has to answer me, often with a punchline because I hate dullness. He has to be busy with his career, he has to have goals or else. I don't know how am I going to be attracted. Because I like seeing passion for what one does for living. It can't be a side job. It has to be main or neither. I hate when people don't strive for what they think they're best at. He hates his job, he doesn't love art enough to be poor...Then It's a turn off for me. So he has to be passionate, he has to be funny because if he's not I'm afraid neither am I. When someone's over serious with me, I get far too serious. It's contagious, the vibe.
The bottom line is, there's no bottom line. I thought I should just share how screwed up my thoughts are. How despicable of me, to do that to people. Even to people I adore, I love. I know how to make people swallow words, lies that comfort them. I am a big fat liar, mostly to myself because I hide my feelings, I hide what I think are true to me. I don't know why I do it.
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