Everly

I had a great day with my cousins and sister. Now I am back to my normal life and I just don't know what to write anymore. So BORED. UGH seriously, If I knew this is how things will be after HSC I wouldn't actually care much for the exam to complete earlier. Because. You see. My life hasn't changed a bit. I still sleep like a pig, I still don't see much of the day, I am a night person and it often sucks because I don't actually have anything to do at night. I normally sleep or pretend that I am sleeping for time to move fast and oh my god I'm so bored.

Words. It's all about words. It's all about what you speak.Not what you feel inside. So unfair you know. It gets hard sometimes. Saying what barely makes a sentence. Barely fits the hole in your heart. Sometimes, it gets so hard, to let out the thoughts you bury and simply no one cares. It's absurd. Someday, you're gonna die. And no one will ever know what was inside your soul. What dreams or sorrow lied under your skin and bone. No one will ever know you. And you will be long gone. And you will not have any power over your stuff anymore. Things that you once used, will be a memory or sit in the back of your garage door. Your feelings, your emotions. They will disappear like you one day. And nothing you can do about it. I don't know, it just seems so....unfair to live this short and die for an eternity. And to plan a future feels so vague sometimes. There's gonna be regrets anyway. No matter how much you succeeded you're gonna have regrets sometime in y...

My sister's birthday is on 28th May and I'm still figuring out what to give her. I think, the thoughtful gift might be cash . Because, she loves shopping and therefore she needs cash. But I already spent all of my pocket-moneys so it's me who needs cash right now. To buy her a gift  of course. Hey, I could buy her a card expressing sisterly affection. Uh oh no, I forgot, she doesn't like words, she likes something cash on top, instead. I could give her my old monopoly money, no? Okay you know what, I'll just give her a hug and tell her that I love her. There. Solved the money problem. 

Help yourself and try to be the best. Maybe all this time, I had underestimated myself too much. Maybe I can do this. No not "maybe", I can definitely do this. I just have to make a plan. And stick to it. It could be an achievement. Because I have barely made any achievements in life. Why the hell did I give all my hopes up, at the very beginning of something legendary could've taken place?.I mean it was my dream,right?  To get admitted to IBA. Why I recently had the feeling that it's an impossible task for me to make possible? I mean it's obviously not impossible, I can totally make it happen. I have the potential, just have to work on it. Because people get admitted to that place, it's not something you say impossible. Why did I aspire for something average, something like getting admission to any public university. If it were any versity, I would've already lost the interest. It has to be particular and it has to be IBA. I was freaked out by maths a...

My sister's laptop has no music file in it. Can you believe it? She lives without music! I can't spend a single day musicless. I wonder how she does it. So I am clearly not studying. I don't think I should be. My exams are just over. I should be partying. Nah, not much of a social butterfly. And my cousins are busy with their thing. Oh I am going to my friend's house this weekend for a get together. Yeah. Starting to feel my exams are really over. Oh and I watched The Duff today, It was quite fun actually. Ugh. I'm feeling useless. I should do something. Uh. Like washing my face. Yeah I could do that. Nah, I'll do that at night. Oh my god seriously I am bored. Urghhhhhh......I wish I could go to college and stare at his face. I miss that. Just kidding. WHAT SHOULD I DO!? Mysha is studious when her exam comes knocking at the door.I don't blame her. I actually blame myself, for not being studious, like ever. You would see me the same, before or after ex...

today went sweet.The heat was unbearable tho. And I am right now kind of feeling guilty of what I wrote last time about my sis and brother-in-law. I had lack of sleep and I wrote terrible things. I have nothing against him. He seems like pretty decent guy and extra sweet. And he didn't have any "stupid" kind of pain, he looked really sore. So My bad, I shouldn't have written those words, or any of it. I should have kept it to myself. Now I hope no one reads this blog because It's kind of like my dumpster. I don't want this things to be read and get hurt. I just keep it apart from me, my family and that's why I once changed its address. But what the hell. Fariha (my cousin) intended to read Allah knows what she read. This is stupid. I shouldn't have told her about it. If you're reading this Fariha, Then stop it right there. Remove it from your browser history. Because you can't be trusted.Go away .  -_- So I joined writer's cafe and check...

Plug in your pc. Now. You're bossy. My sister's laptop is bossy like her. Its dialogue box coming on and on telling me to sign off or charge. I have 15 mins in hand. So okay let me sum up. I watched My Girl. It's a 1991 movie, but it was pretty good. Umm.. Then I was about to watch another one but this bossy device won't let me so...Oh and I had a chat with Ann, she sent me a photoof Jensen, She knows me best. This one, haha. And I was like- I totally should make it my cover photo on facebook. and my family will get a mini heart-attack looking at my profile, Seriously I have so many of them added there. Can you imagine, my grandma has a facebook account and she's my facebook friend. Awesome, no? As it gets better, my parents too.My uncles and aunties as well. I have a whole bunch of family going on that site.  I am just glad that my sis accidentally left her laptop at our house. This thing is keeping me preoccupied at night, And daytime, I sleep like a pig....

Marriage is a cage. Happily married means happily caged.   I don't know how it works or how people are getting into this sort of thing, I just know it's not a happy term anymore when your feelings get toyed with. When you get toyed with. You want drama? Get married. You'll get a lot of them unless your husband's all sober and a grown up man. I am not saying that from experience, I am not even married. I am just saying that because that's what I've been seeing, everyday since my sister got married. I've seen the change in her. The enslavement that took place in her beautiful mind. How she's been transforming into something he chooses for her. How she's giving up her love for things she used to love. How she's happy when he's happy. But it's not a compromise. It's a suffocation. And he causes that suffocation. And the bizarre thing is, she's damn okay about it. When I think through her point of view, I feel sorry for he...

I fit into my old jeans! YAY. I didn't touch the book the whole day and yesterday. This is not good. I have just one exam left and I am not near the preparation for it to go well. I don't know. I guess I am just exhausted of giving exams a month and half ..ugh cut me off some slack, okay. Yesterday, I accidentally shampooed my hair with johnson baby's. I don't even know what's that doing in our bathroom shelve tho. I mean we're all grown ups in the house. But I smell like a baby! No tears. Feeling cute. Aww.Growing up sucks. I loathe myself for wasting time like this- so stupidly, randomly. I shouldn't have taken this exams so lightly, I should have studied more and be at least a little serious about this. I am serious but I am not acting on it. I should act more and say less, write less. It's just not happening. Not at all, Like I know this is pointless; writing in this blog, wasting my time, but I just do it anyway. Despite the reason that it will...

That's what I am afraid of. That is the only thing that scares me to death. Not being able to make you happy . Make you proud . Make you see, what I've been trying to do my whole life. Just for you two. You don't see it. You don't have faith in me. When I need it the most, the faith of yours because I trust myself very little. And I want you to see, that I've been trying not to fail you. Your expectations mostly.They never die. Sometimes you have too much of it, sometimes too low. But they never die.You overstate me or you just understate me. Oh it's so very- painful . And it scares the hell outta me. It gives me shivers. It makes me crave for sobs middle of the night. To think that my life's a waste if you two don't understand me. I'm here now, I am right here and you still haven't understood me yet.It's tiring, sad and terrifying. Because I'd be gone someday, and when the time comes, you still wouldn't. I'd not exist and you...

woke up to a beautiful dream the other day. I don't quite remember what was it about, but I just remember it was beautiful and I smiled in my sleep. I haven't slept for a while. Usually I oversleep or don't sleep at all. So yeah, here I am sleep deprived and I don't know I just thought I should type something up. How was the day- ugh tiring...How was my mood- neutral. How often I judged people in my mind- pretty much the whole time. Well cut the three hours out, I had an exam today and it was- meh.Works for me.  Then I realized, OH my god. I have only two left. TWO! JUST this two then I'll be free from HSC zone. Just think about it.This whole academic bullshit will finally end and I will get to study what I like. Hopefully. I judge people. Oh my god it's what I do. All the time. Every action I judge. I know this is not a good act. People don't like getting judged. Obviously they wouldn't if they knew that they were judged. I mean. It's all in my...

I think that does it. The fear of failure. That makes it more impossible to achieve something. I think kids should be taught not to fear failure because life is all about that. A bunch of mistakes and the learning through it. But since I was a kid, I was taught it's bad, it's a shameful thing to fail. So I almost didn't. I was always the average. I think average is a painful word like ordinary. But the fear of failure and hungriness for success itself are the obstacles to achieve something. I believe. we should work hard silently not violently. In between goals is a thing called life; and that has to be lived and enjoyed . And have a broad mind to make couple of mistakes because it makes you prepared to take risks and experiment yourself. It comforts you in a way, inspires you, strikes you as a wake up call. 

I am tired of people getting disappointed in me. And by people I mean my family. I feel like they don't want me to be happy for a second. I think they loathe the whole idea. My dad, my mom, my sister, my brother, . They don't want to see me happy. Today morning, I had a big fight with my dad, because I was just slightly appearing late for my exam. But it was just that. A slight possibility of being late. And he took that out on me. He pointed out my negligence, my oversleeping, my carelessness for hsc and every little guilt I commit. And he yelled which made me nervous and more furious. It just got uglier on the way, when I screamed back at him, when I said things, I am not very proud of. I love my dad. When my dad gets hurt I get hurt too. I cry. Like I am now. How silly that is. I snapped at him whenever he pointed out my callousness toward this board exam and whenever he said he had no idea how I could get a respective grade by not studying a thing. This made me angry.I ...

Read through my old diary, of 2012. As it turned out, I was quite sensible when I was younger. And dramatic, I gotta say. But life was easy. My happiness relied on, watching a movie or having touch pad on phones, or just getting to sleep in the weekends. I have stat exam the day after tomorrow. I haven't started studying yet, for some reason...I feel no need. Haven't I studied enough the whole year, at college just to impress my teacher whom I was hopelessly crushing on...Yeah. So I don't feel it, The rush to finish the syllabus right now particularly this subject. My sister's exam is gonna end tomorrow, she's so lucky. I have four to go. Then I will be left with the grand one-the admission tests. My life sucksss.  A moment ago, Anisha came wearing glasses. A 3 year old with nerdy glasses. Can you picture the cuteness? Anisha is at the stage where she repeats every word she catches in her mind, she did so today. I find it cute rather than annoying. She now can...

I'm losing it...The pain. It increased today in a good amount. First I thought it was sinus pain. Then I had fever at noon. And I felt like I was gonna throw up everything I eat. I don't have any idea how bad tomorrow's exam will go. Being sick wasn't an option, I get easily distracted from my study, now how am I gonna deal with this pain?! Luckily it's reduced because I swallowed a pill, but it's left me tired and useless. I feel like I should lie down, give my exam tomorrow in bed. I don't often lose my temper, but when I do, I do it very badly. I would break down, or cry or scream or cross the limit of the limit I mentally wouldn't ditch. Like tonight, at dinner when I wanted a fried egg and given an omelette instead, I lost it! I lost it pretty bad. I told our bashar bua, who is a very old lady, I told her she's an idiot and what not.Until then I've never scolded our servants who came to work in our house, at least not the old ones. But tod...

I woke up before anyone in my house, but couldn't leave the bed. Ugh sinus pain since yesterday. Pretty sick.It's freaking hot in my room. And my room is super messy, the bed, the table. Everything. It's been my design actually. Since I got a room, few things changed. I've become a little adventurous I guess. Everyday I would try out new things, try out new novels, new music.  And I live with music actually. When api was here, I couldn't play music out loud much but now, every hour's a new playlist. And I love it. I love music. I imagine a lot nowadays. About my future, about myself. I even talk to myself, I know that's crazy. But it's fun. I advise myself, I make myself laugh, I do freaky things like random dance and sometimes even I break things. Like few days ago I broke a glass just to snooze my alarm in the morning. I care less, I doubt myself less. Weird how, things started to change just by getting some space.  Oh and I almost forgot to tell ...