opposite sides of a coin

Sleeping pills are the easiest most solution to die. 

I have been thinking about it, quite sometime. I thought about it the night before yesterday, ammu was sleeping beside me, I could hear her breathe. She is my mother, yet she felt so foreign. Almost like, most part of my life, she doesn't even know. I don't blame her for that, I have locked myself in. 

I silently sobbed.

When I feel this way, I say sorry to my parents, to everybody I encountered in life, in whisper of a prayer. The thought almost fades, then comes back in the morning on the way to class. I think about ways to disappear forever.

I used to feel happy to be alive, to be breathing. These days, I feel drowned. And I don't know what to do with these thoughts.

My mother's side of cousin, is staying with us for couple of days. I am not alone in my room tonight. But my thoughts are with me too.

When I started this blog, I never imagined, I would be someday writing about my darkest thoughts. 

I feel like ending it. Is it too dramatic, too soon to be saying this?

I pray my mind to change for good.

Because 13 year old me, wouldn't accept this, she dreamed a good life. She dreamed that she would be a traveler, have an amazing husband, house full of kids and without a worry in the world.

13 year old me never wanted self harm, never wanted to cry every night thinking she is a disappointment. 

I am so sorry, kid.