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I don't believe in happiness anymore. It is just a random feeling like any other feeling. It is like hunger, it is thirst, it is like love, it is like sad, it is a mood. Sometimes I feel so happy I almost feel like throwing up. I don't think my stomach supports me being happy. I know it sounds all flaky but I really am serious.

I cry when I feel like my emotions overpower me. You know what. It is too complicated to explain. 
Just going to let you know, I am doing okay. I have started to feel the presence of my heart in everyday situations, like I said. When I feel too happy, I almost throw up. That's when I know, I am happy and content...Or this could be a stomach flu, I think I need to consult with a doctor.

It is the weekends that get me closer to my thoughts. My thoughts are self destructive. Dangerous perhaps. It occurs when I am in an empty room. When I am done watching a trendy show or when I just have nothing left to do. Or have no motivation to do anything. 
That's when it occurs. When I feel like nobody would understand it. It is like a pit. A never ending state of dark and heavy feeling. I think about dead people and death. In a locked room, that is kind of scary. When I feel like I am powerless and my thoughts can consume me, conspire against me and hurt me, physically even.

Do I sound crazy? Don't worry, it is only when I am triggered to depression. Currently, I think I am doing okay. 

I am gonna be okay I guess. If I don't, oh well. Until I get fully cracked, there is no medications for me. Mental health is a joke in our country. 

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