Dear 2017.

I have cuts of you in my skin, whenever I look at them I remember those times.

These last two months, I've been content with myself, but before that it was a constant havoc.

I never thought I would ever feel happy again. Would genuinely laugh and smile. But you made that possible, better late than never.

2017.

Every night I used to cry myself to sleep.  5 am, I dried my tears on my cheeks, making my face all sticky and swell. I was on the floor. I felt so small. Even my own room made me feel unfamiliar. I don't particularly remember why I was crying that miserably, I just remember being hurt. I just remember telling myself, will it ever end?

I partially blamed me for what happened with my brother that time. Every flicker of optimism died within me. Wasn't it selfish just to think, everybody around you is having a nice time and you are dying in the corner, sucking all the depression in? I remember feeling helpless, pathetic little looser who thought it was her job to heal her brother's schizophrenia. I remember hiding myself out from friends, playing secrecy, pretending and skipping classes and staying home just to sleep. They hurt me once. They don't know they did. I didn't tell them they were being rude. I don't blame them now. I wasn't honest. 

I was desperate for attention. I was vulnerable. I needed one good soul to comfort me in my sadness. I remember being tired. So tired. I used to argue with my parents frequently, feel annoyed being spoken to. The nights were most intense.

I think I have grown and stretched into a normal person somewhat. Things don't bother me anymore. I only cry when I watch sad movies or those rare emotional scenes in comedy films/sitcoms. I do tear up easily though. 2017 opened a flood gate. It is difficult to stop crying once I start. But I'm so much better now. 

I have given up in love. That I have to say. I have in fact don't have such inclination to chase it. It will arrive when it is supposed to. I do miss feeling those butterflies. But being in love is such a double standard feeling, you constantly have this need to get this other person love you back only to feed your ego. It is refreshing now, not having this urge or presidency to find love and be loved. I bet love's wonderful, but I am not currently pursuing it anymore.

2017, has turned and shaped and puzzled my emotions and mentality...I can feel it in my bones, The change and the way I perceive things now. There's a third person in me these days, always advising, looking out for me and always being the bigger person. Guiding me to be kind towards others and me. I don't know when I learned that wisdom, but it sure helps whenever I feel a glint of sadness coming my way. 

Right now, I may not be the happiest or even happy. But there's peace. There's a tranquility that I craved for months and months, now when I blink, I don't blink tears. When I walk I don't walk with restless mind overshadowing me. There is a calmness I have now within me that I sought for a long while. 2017 felt like a long year. And it has now only 2 days to complete its cycle.

I give numerous chances to myself to improve, it is a good thing to have enough room for improvements. There's a lot of things I want to learn and become. I hope the next year goes well. Happiness is overrated, in 2018 I want to be resourceful and gain more perspective about life and its ways of making us lose our nerves. 

-

You told me I needed thicker skin,
But it is always the butterfly's silken wings
that break through its hard cocoon-
maybe it is you who needs a softer heart.
-B.Atkinson