Winter is almost here. I see insects flying their way to my room at nights and the uncertain urge to turn on and off the fan and covering and uncovering myself with blanket. And acting like a corpse in bed at morning, because of the cozy feeling. Sweet November is here.
Tomorrow is my presentation. I practiced my speech for hours tonight. I know I am still gonna screw up.
This whole weekend, I treated myself like a blunt existence. When I was in car going to a wedding, listening to songs in my earpiece, I told myself how unhappy I am lately. How ungrateful that makes me. I don't know how this started and when this will end. When I am around my cousins, I am this giddy, uncomplicated version of myself, and that goes the same with my friends. But this psycho babble in my mind, I can't stop. I get sad and every aspect of living loses its meaning. I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live either. I don't know how that's possible. If there were any one in the whole world who could understand what I am feeling inside.
I didn't wanna end on a depressing note. There were also times in this week, I made myself watch Indian stand up comedies on youtube at 3 am in the morning and cracked up, I laughed so hard that for a couple of mins there was no trace of sadness in me. I really try to be happy. To wake up in the morning, but it only lasts about 3 or 4 mins. Is this chronic depression? Am I psychologically becoming unfit?
My skin is showing a slow pace of improvement, maybe that's a reason I feel so sad. I don't enjoy looking like a wreck to people. I want to look like I am getting things done.
Pretending to the world you're okay is the easiest thing to do because no one seem to care. Everyone is busy with their own problems and I don't blame them I mean look at me. I don't care how many children in Africa are starving because it never crosses my mind. I have my own fears and anxieties to deal with everyday...
Looking forward scares me everyday. Every sun rise and sun set is the deadline I get. I don't cry now like I used to before, but there's this dark and shady, shallow feeling that never goes out.
I want to be free from it, I really do.
Tomorrow is my presentation. I practiced my speech for hours tonight. I know I am still gonna screw up.
This whole weekend, I treated myself like a blunt existence. When I was in car going to a wedding, listening to songs in my earpiece, I told myself how unhappy I am lately. How ungrateful that makes me. I don't know how this started and when this will end. When I am around my cousins, I am this giddy, uncomplicated version of myself, and that goes the same with my friends. But this psycho babble in my mind, I can't stop. I get sad and every aspect of living loses its meaning. I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live either. I don't know how that's possible. If there were any one in the whole world who could understand what I am feeling inside.
I didn't wanna end on a depressing note. There were also times in this week, I made myself watch Indian stand up comedies on youtube at 3 am in the morning and cracked up, I laughed so hard that for a couple of mins there was no trace of sadness in me. I really try to be happy. To wake up in the morning, but it only lasts about 3 or 4 mins. Is this chronic depression? Am I psychologically becoming unfit?
My skin is showing a slow pace of improvement, maybe that's a reason I feel so sad. I don't enjoy looking like a wreck to people. I want to look like I am getting things done.
Pretending to the world you're okay is the easiest thing to do because no one seem to care. Everyone is busy with their own problems and I don't blame them I mean look at me. I don't care how many children in Africa are starving because it never crosses my mind. I have my own fears and anxieties to deal with everyday...
Looking forward scares me everyday. Every sun rise and sun set is the deadline I get. I don't cry now like I used to before, but there's this dark and shady, shallow feeling that never goes out.
I want to be free from it, I really do.
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