I'm eighteen and I still cry like a baby. I can't stop crying and dreaming. I just can't.
I cry until I get what I want. I cry because of insecurities. I cry because there's a pain in my heart. A pain, not understandable why.
what do I want?
I want snow. I want to be happy again. I want to laugh. I want to breath. well not like normal in and out type of breathing. A long deep breath. An escape from the town, far far away, in the green,cold weather.I wanna breath till my lungs get all soared up. I want to sleep like a baby. Not just lying in bed thinking and regretting about the choices I've made in the past...a sound, profound, peaceful couple hours of sleep. a sleep that is unbreakable in the midway. so that I can wake up fresh,cleaned.like a new born baby.
I don't know how it started.But it's not ending. All those stupid little things that causing this pain are not going away. I'm crying over little things. but trust me it hurts like crazy. I feel like I'm in a gigantic dark round well and I can't get over it. May be this is because of the exam pressure. but I don't care anymore. I just cry all the time. I can't stop thinking about some stupid stuffs.
I'm just eighteen. I don't have to get all serious. I mean, I really don't need to think about how the money will come or about some serious shit. I should think about make-up or shopping , dresses, this and that.
But I can't stop thinking about problems that aren't even mine.Stress, like a caramel syrup, it's getting all over my head.It's just all Messed up.I wipe it, I make it even more messed up.
I feel depressed seeing my daddy's face.He doesn't look the same as some years back. He's getting old. and why's that. I'm craving for a smile on his face. but looks like he's stressed too. He's got some serious things to deal with. He's got a load of responsibilities and work. And I'm, like a silly sally princess; crying, wiping, wasting tissues for no big reason. how fair is that?!
I have low pressure and my pulse are beating slow as last checked. My parents think it's because I'm not eating properly or skipping breakfast. But it's not how they think it is. may be those are part of the reason but...I'm just tired. I don't know why. But I'm really tired. And deeply upset. I guess, that's the reason why I've been feeling so low.
I didn't sleep all night. I waited for the Fazar Azaan. Yeah, I prayed after a long time. I almost forgot I'm a moslim girl and almost didn't realize Allah is up there,controlling everything.
I didn't pray for forgiveness, good marks on exams or for some Sawab. Or even for the afterlife. I just prayed because I want some peace. That's all I need right now.
Life is not a fair game. I wouldn't even say that if I was put into some different place from where I am right now.
May be I'm complaining way too much because I don't have everything that I want.But I have everything that I need.Well not everything. I mean, I need a squeeze, stomach aching hug right now , it's like 6 in the morning.no one's awake so no tight consoling cheesy hugs for now.
“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I cry until I get what I want. I cry because of insecurities. I cry because there's a pain in my heart. A pain, not understandable why.
what do I want?
I want snow. I want to be happy again. I want to laugh. I want to breath. well not like normal in and out type of breathing. A long deep breath. An escape from the town, far far away, in the green,cold weather.I wanna breath till my lungs get all soared up. I want to sleep like a baby. Not just lying in bed thinking and regretting about the choices I've made in the past...a sound, profound, peaceful couple hours of sleep. a sleep that is unbreakable in the midway. so that I can wake up fresh,cleaned.like a new born baby.
I don't know how it started.But it's not ending. All those stupid little things that causing this pain are not going away. I'm crying over little things. but trust me it hurts like crazy. I feel like I'm in a gigantic dark round well and I can't get over it. May be this is because of the exam pressure. but I don't care anymore. I just cry all the time. I can't stop thinking about some stupid stuffs.
I'm just eighteen. I don't have to get all serious. I mean, I really don't need to think about how the money will come or about some serious shit. I should think about make-up or shopping , dresses, this and that.
But I can't stop thinking about problems that aren't even mine.Stress, like a caramel syrup, it's getting all over my head.It's just all Messed up.I wipe it, I make it even more messed up.
I feel depressed seeing my daddy's face.He doesn't look the same as some years back. He's getting old. and why's that. I'm craving for a smile on his face. but looks like he's stressed too. He's got some serious things to deal with. He's got a load of responsibilities and work. And I'm, like a silly sally princess; crying, wiping, wasting tissues for no big reason. how fair is that?!
I have low pressure and my pulse are beating slow as last checked. My parents think it's because I'm not eating properly or skipping breakfast. But it's not how they think it is. may be those are part of the reason but...I'm just tired. I don't know why. But I'm really tired. And deeply upset. I guess, that's the reason why I've been feeling so low.
I didn't sleep all night. I waited for the Fazar Azaan. Yeah, I prayed after a long time. I almost forgot I'm a moslim girl and almost didn't realize Allah is up there,controlling everything.
I didn't pray for forgiveness, good marks on exams or for some Sawab. Or even for the afterlife. I just prayed because I want some peace. That's all I need right now.
Life is not a fair game. I wouldn't even say that if I was put into some different place from where I am right now.
May be I'm complaining way too much because I don't have everything that I want.But I have everything that I need.Well not everything. I mean, I need a squeeze, stomach aching hug right now , it's like 6 in the morning.no one's awake so no tight consoling cheesy hugs for now.
“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
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