Everly

I couch exercise. Is  that a thing even? Over-sitting is some-thing I know. So apparently I need to get a life. It's funny how I used to crave for vacation, now when I have it, I feel like I don't worth it. Sitting lazy, reading books and binge watching Modern Family just not bringing out the holiday vibes. You know what I actually wanna do on holidays? Skydiving. Hiking. Exploring places. Sure my life isn't a fairy tale and I am not living a teenage dream. What else should I say to keep it real. I need to get a life. Tomorrow is 31st and all I got is family dinner, saying hi to uncle who just came from America. Oh my pathetic dear life.

Waiting desperately for a new beginning. 2015. A remarkable year for me. Unlike every year, this year has actually made me realize how the world is out there. How to act in a grown up way no matter how much childlike nature I have inside of me. I think every person has a child inside of them, that's why people say- " Act grownup." It's all an act, keeping the mind in illusion. Pretending you're worthy to be called an adult, taking responsibilities and fulfilling them.  How much I have to learn. No there's no measurement there. It's all about how much you can gain, not about how much is there. And I am up for it. I will let myself free off the boundaries and image. I will embarrass myself until I get to the point where I can completely be myself. This is almost the end of the year, the time to reflect. I think God wants you to face your insecurities and your biggest ones. Because once you do it, you get courage. And it's a great reward. I am not ...

Confession. I always want everything to go my way. And my happiness are mostly materialistic. I don't lack substance. It's just that...I have odd obsessions toward houses, decor, gadgets and other worldly things. And I like being alone, because being alone means creativeness. Being alone means you can sort yourself out whenever your life is messy. I'm kind of a control freak. I don't like people butting in my life and advise me how to be. But certain people don't understand that and so I like to take no action. I go for silent treatment. I bury every emotion I feel and just don't act at all. This is how I adjust. Dear 30 year old me, I am hoping you're able to read this while you don't have diabetics, BP or any other disease. I am hoping that you're alive and healthy and aren't ashamed of your body anymore. That you are a strong independent woman with good humor and also a flirt. If you're not any of these things, don't worry, I ...

Reading has always been my friend, pulled me through all the distress life has in for me. I overthink that's my problem. Solution? I overthink.

I have to say I am kind of lost. I want to find the very essence of me where I am happy. Giggly happy. And so I have decided to write myself a list. A list for 2016. There it goes. Buy pretty and comfortable shoes . You're gonna be in varsity soon and trust me. Shoes tell a lot about the person you are. Get rid of those flaky flats and invest all your savings on combat boots or lacy tolerable heels. Trust me. You'll need them. Write. Start a journal. Improve your sentences. Grow a discipline Keep up with other people. Now this is most important. Because you are a business student and you have to engage with people. Make phone calls to your old best friends, chat a while, see how they've been doing. Learn some humor. Laugh it out. Be there for your friends and family. Give yourself treats! Get all dolled up whenever you have a party to attend to. Keep yourself fresh and pretty. Get your lazy ass out the sofa and start taking care of your skin. Drink lots of wate...

I don't know what happened. Why am I keeping my feelings bottled up. I'm so tired. I can't accept myself the way I am. I can't see my face in the mirror. I don't like wearing makeup anymore. And I loathe myself for being too emotional rather than being rational. Why do I have feelings. Why do I care so much and get hurt afterwards. Simply why am I so invested in things? Why can't I keep myself apart? The more I try to stay apart the more I get involved. The more I get hurt. I am not sure if it's that time of the month again but I am just not feeling good or jolly or anything I could identify as positive. Today I wanted to sleep all day and never get up from bed but I had other plans to give prior to. I couldn't stay in bed today, went to my cousin's house to spend some time. Anika and mysha went with me too and I thought it was worth it, getting together and having lunch with them would make me feel good. But I didn't feel good. I was just c...

I figured out what the problem is. I am sick of everybody pointing fingers at me and my family. I would understand if they were perfect in their lives. They judge us like they are oh-so-perfect and doing everything the right way possible. They have this ego which we lack in. I am brought up in such family that I hardly show off my feelings. My parents are emotional and their intentions are always concise. We don't trick people, we certainly don't let them down. My parents are protective of me and I respect that. Because I know how much they care for me. But I am sick of every one of them who thinks there's something wrong with me, my sister or my brother or my parents. We are raised with love and care and my dad has always been kind. But let me be precise. Why am I so upset with my aunties and cousins. They don't understand how hurtful their comments are toward us. Yesterday I went to my cousin's house and all I could see was they were all united in shading my ...

I am dying inside. I don't have to struggle with food, clothing, education, all the basic essentials and internet...Still I am dying inside. Little by little. Everyday. Does anyone know? No it's not that important because it's inside. I belong to a solvent family so there's nothing to be sad about. There's nothing to feel bad about. There's nothing to cry about. Telling that I am unhappy would be illegal. Irrelevant. Selfish.  Telling that I wanna be alone would be dramatic , and telling that I want my freedom would be a shout in the void. I am dying inside I know. I am. I sit everyday in this sofa and I spent all day here. I don't dance, I don't sing like I used to. I don't give a fuck. I just don't feel like I am alive that's all. Not so important. Important are the goals. Important are the things that are ought to be achieved. Important are those people who make you feel how unimportant you are in life. Nobody would ever ask you...

I am in a position where I can write independently and forever about almost anything. I could write a fucking novel about my lazy ass. But I choose not to. Just because I have a laptop and my own personal space doesn't mean I have to write a biography of how many times I screwed up. That won't make any sense. My whole life, I am not making any sense. Anyway, so the morning, dare I say afternoon started with a weird pain in my left knee.It's still paining right now and I almost can't move. It's one thing when both of your legs are mysteriously paining, but mine's just one and  I am starting to feel like I am a one legged person. I can't walk looking like a complete looser now, can't sit without flinching. Evening spent watching Bridget Jones's Diary both the sequels with Mysha on couch with blankets, tea and dry snacks. I recommended the movies, I watched them once myself when my HSC exams were over and thought right away, I would watch them seco...

Omg you won't believe what just happened this morning. I went to college...ok that's kind of believable, because I had to get some official papers done....anyway so meeting him (my man crush back in college days you remember don't you?) was something hard to believe. Because he was supposed to be busy with classes. He used to be always preoccupied, as far as I remember. So when I was like peeking through the teacher's room window, I could only see teachers from science department. I was fine however, I didn't expect him to be there. But then after I came out from our head's office I found him walking in the hallway. Just a second, we glanced at each other and I was almost convinced that I wouldn't meet and greet, I thought it would be awkward, he probably wouldn't recognize me. But then I thought, "When will I be able to see him again? No I can't miss this chance, besides, he already knows I am here, it would be rude if I don't say anyt...

Today was very nice. I had to go with my grandma to the bank this morning to help her pick up her pension fees, The weather was crisp and it lightened up our spirits. The time we were home, I felt like we bonded! If you read my previous posts, you know how much I used to dislike being around her. But these days, I am starting to like her more and more and she's just awesome. So we spent the whole morning going here and there and oh my god it was fun. We had our lunch in the car, fresh oranges and because of the national day of our country that's on 16th, we got to watch jet planes stunts in the sky, noisy tho but I liked being outside. Staying at home is so devastating. I felt kind of weird at first, because in the bank, where the pension receipts are handled, were all the old people coming in. Now point to be noted, I am always awkward around old people because they make me feel someday, I am going to turn out just like them, aged and weak. Anyway, I kind of accepted the ...

I don't know what to say...This afternoon I was crying because I had these failures I couldn't take and whining to my father that he had been partial with us through our education, telling that I was the one studied in semi-orphan missionary school for 7 years and all sorts of sad childhood stories to cover my grief and he frowned at me saying- "How can you accuse me of being partial to your siblings? I never loved any one of you less, how can you say that?" I could see he was hurt and when he left I was in tears, again whining to my mother and grandma how pathetic my life is...etc. Then the whole evening I spent singing karaoke with strangers in an app called Smule. It's a quite popular app, and if you know me, you also know that I sing when I am in distress, so I sang pretty high keys, Rolling in the deep with a lady from China, and Photograph by Ed Sheeran with an American guy. I even got a like on that one. I already reached 35 recordings and having second ...

I am reading a Bangla novel after a very long time. Probably been a year! It's just that, I usually prefer Humayun Ahmed's novel than other writers in our literature and since he died, I kind of stopped reading. I went on buying English novels and thought they were great. So Mysha came few weeks back and she gave me Misir Alir Omnibash, and basically she made me read it. So yeah I just realized how much I missed the suspense stories of Misir Ali. They're so great!! Loving it! These days, I am feeling like I am waiting for something. I don't have any idea why, like in almost 25 days my Varsity life will start, and I won't have time for myself again. I won't be able to read novels again, I won't be thinking so leisurely or be quietly sitting in the veranda, watching and hearing birds. I'll have failures again, I always think of the worst situations. But there's this tiny hope that I won't turn out a shitty student with a shitty grade. But ther...

I hate to be so lazy when I deserve to be. I mean when the exams were on, I napped so well, watched a lot of movies, danced to songs, life was a party. But now when I have loads of free time, I am wasting it on flashbacks and lazy thoughts. I don't even feel like napping all the time. My times are spent dull and daydreaming about my past crushes. Now, I haven't told this to anyone. Today, I thought I should post about the guy I was wholly embarrassed to find physically attractive, I even lied to myself of being it a false spark but now that I have an endless time for recalling things I'd been neglecting all along, I realized it was real, I was attracted, I was having perverted thoughts about that crush. And I am not even sure to write about him. I don't know him and he's a poor guy with a really good body, worked in our basement. and oh my god I can't believe I am writing about it eww. He was uneducated, I guess, I knew very little about him, But he had thi...

My favorite man's birthday today, he's turning 59! Mashallah! I am so thankful to Allah that he was born this day to be my father. I can't really describe how much I love this man. There's no such adjectives as to define him, anything would be an understatement. I am thankful, he's alive, for his health, for his strength and infinite patience. There's no one that I could count on but him, he's my superhero. He's a blessing. He's a gift to us all. Oh I love him. Please Allah, make him live longer than me, much much longer! I cannot imagine to live in this crazy world without his sanity. The world needs more kind people like him. His intentions are nothing but goodness, just too much goodness. Anything I'll write, should be injustice to bring out the unconditional love I have for him. He's just TOO GOOD of a human. Happy Birthday My SWEET ABBU! I LOVE YOU LIKE CRAZY. PLEASE DON'T EVER LEAVE ME. I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU. 

Body shaming should be made illegal. It should not be a topic of interest. Tho I might have something to say against this subject...It's more effective and vulgar when a person is self-shamed. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, it matters how you take it. It just creates a brand new perspective of seeing yourself. Let's just reflect on a personal story. When I was a toddler, I was picky in food. Not because I was conscious of my body or anything, I was just being a kid. I ate only what gave me pleasure to the tongue and I never felt hungry enough to have a heavy meal. Because I was always depended on my mother for the food department. I never even thought a bit about nutrition or anything related to the body. Everything came to the taste. And that I guess was legit because I was just a kid. So I grew as the skinniest girl in my family, my siblings were healthy but I was often teased why am I so indifferent toward food. I was often forced to eat a egg, boiled ...

Today I have to visit one of my aunts who came from Australia last night with her family. I'm psyched to meet her but also it's going to be awkward after this huge gap that taken place between me and her eldest kid. So my cousin brother, who was a 7 year old maybe when they were in Dhaka and I don't know how the friendship happened. I was maybe 12/13? I forgot. Anyway, so he used to follow me around like a puppy, and I used to spend a lot of time with him playing because my mom used to go to that house frequently, most occasions. So yeah, I was forced to play with a kid. He used to hold my hand wherever I go, like that trip in Sunderban with his family, he was always clinging to me like I was his only friend. I can't blame him, he was a kid back then. But now that I think it through, what odd friendship it was! Then when he went to Australia, I kind of missed him and my aunt was added to facebook, so I used to see their pictures. He had a brother few years ago and no...