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I can't stop.

I just wanted a life. A normal, fun life. Not sure if normal actually goes with the term "fun" though it clarifies my need, I just wanted sober and the fun stuff equalized. But I never wanted this boring shit. I never wanted to live like this, never. You know what is better than this life I have? Starving to death. I'm not saying this for the sake of literacy, this is how I feel these days. And I don't have any idea where the tears come from, and why. I'm crying on my own at nobody's fault. Something is wrong with me, I mean,clearly. I stay up late then I wake up at noon, guilty as hell. And today while combing my hair at the basin, I cried. Because of my excessive hair fall? No! I had hair falls before but I never cried for that. I also had the similar moment while reading love stories in the weekly paper.No those stories weren't sad and I am happy being single. I am still trying to figure out why I am crying so much.
But I realized something. My life is so...small. I don't have a bunch of friends. I don't do hangouts. I am literally stuck in this house my whole life. I know a little amount of people. I get nervous so easily.. I get distracted even. I blush. I behave so reserved. And the highlights of my day become the ones when he notices me, or when he grins or talks something funny. This can't be it. I can't just depend on these little things to make my day. I can't just jump up and down in joy hearing my name in his mouth after a very long time.I can't just make something serious out of a joke. Because these things aren't real. These are just to make me forget how bored I am- of my life. That how unhappy and sick and tired I am of everything around me.Nobody gives a shit about my happiness.I can't just simply let him rent a place in my head. He's not a good tenant.It's been what, two years now? that is ridiculous. The more I decide I am not going to think about him the more I am thinking about him...Maybe I should not write this post beforehand. 

But what is done is done. Feelings don't have an undo button. (OMG did I just invent a quote?)
I wish he wasn't someone I were to think thousand times a day.
Like I said, I am happy being single. He doesn't have anything to do with my tears, It's not that I need a reason to cry.Let's be honest, I am UPSET...I can cry right? I am human, I can cry. Do I have to explain myself for that? It is completely normal. Then why it feels so...void?. Why it feels like I am falling apart? Why do I doubt of dying in a early stage with a fatal disease?Why does it feel like something's wrong with me.Why everything feels so dull, numb?. Why the songs that have dancing beats to it, hit my ears like a sad dying tone? Excuse me for being such a cheese ball. But this is literally who I am these days. I am a silly girl, who cries now and then, without a pause. Like a fountain.  Something is clearly wrong with me. Can't you see? I'm rhyming! I never rhyme.

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