I'm so tired that I can't even explain, how intense this last few days had been.
I believe there's always a side-affect of not going with the rules that your religion/science provide. And that is the side-affect of dying. I can't remember the actual time when did I stop praying and start making my life a complete chaotic mess.Eating disorder, sleeping disorder, stress and not concentrating on any of my studies...All of this- SUCKS. And deep down, in my head; I know it's wrong, it's gonna affect me in the long run. But I just can't quit it. I am able to but I am not willing to.I can't stop myself from hitting the snooze button every morning,misusing my time, like crazy.And I know it sucks, but I feel like I have no control over my emotions. And I am not a hard worker, for sure.
So the other night, what happened was, umm, I went to sleep. It was after midnight. I never fall asleep right on. And these days, I feel super tired but can't sleep.I stay awake in bed hours and hours, thinking, thinking, thinking.That night, I was awake as usual and there was a cockroach in my bed.I hurried myself down as I saw it climbing on the curtains beside me. FYI, I have a serious cockroach phobia, rather I say insects phobia.One time I got my pressure low seeing a big ugly lizard on the bathroom wall, and didn't even realized it was there the whole time, while I was bathing. Anyway, the problem wasn't that there was a cockroach in the bed, the problem was when it disappeared. And I was tired/scared enough to look for it,besides I didn't wanna disturb nanu so I just left everything as it was and shifted to our living room couch and there I burst into tears, because it used to be Api who rescued me from times like this. She would taunt me for being such coward.She would've taken that bastard down with her slipper and I would've cuddled with her the whole night, not yet recovering from my fears. That night my sis wasn't with me, and it was middle of the night I couldn't call her. Now there's formalities between us. Sitting on that couch, that night, trust me, I felt like the loneliest girl alive.
Then what happened, I felt something wet in my hair, on the scalp there was blood. I got more freaked out. One moment I was breaking down in tears,crying for my sister that she's not here for me, and again spooked by the fear of blood coming out of my brain. Okay so then I wiped my tears, picked up my phone and googled my symptoms.(I thought I was having a brain tumor or something) And found out it could be because of dandruff or dryness of scalp. I simply for a second, took a breath, laughed at myself for having stupid thoughts and then started crying again for my sister.
I literally spent the whole night lying on that couch with my pillows, crying my eyes out, talking to my sister's wedding photo. And his husband in the side. Kind of ignored him because he is the reason why she's not here with me.I had a lot of thinking. About many things.I can't really remember how depth I've gone with from a cockroach scare to life happenings,my mistakes and realizations and past and the future. I spent the whole night with myself. I spoke out. I created conversations between me and my soul. I know how crazy this sounds, but I actually did. I spoke. I spoke to my sister in that photo. I spoke to myself. I cried as long as my heart wanted to. And while in the bathroom break when I came across the mirror, my eyes were all puffed up but clean and I felt kind of relieved. Less lonely. More self-reliable. More sure of who I am and what I want.
Since everyday now, I am all caught up in emotions. It's really intense. It could be hormonal, I don't know. oh a funny thing just happened-So I downloaded an app tracking my period dates because I am a little concerned about my intensive mood swings. I gotta say it's a pretty cool app, not only it tracks dates,it also gives a chart of my fertility and ovulation..so when I am like irregular, it kind of buzzes-"You might be up for a pregnancy test." DUH. But you know, to me, It could be used as virginity reminder.And also,for a good laugh.
But these days, however I kind of got into the idea of having babies. I don't wanna get married and start family or anything, NOT right now,After 10 years maybe. But right now, I am like-so obsessed with the idea of having babies of my own, having to see my characteristics, my eyes, myself in them. And to raise them, oh my god. I am sounding like a 30 year old and a crazy. I want a baby,a rolly-poly, chubby cheeked shit machine! Yet without a husband? Tell me I'm crazy.
I believe there's always a side-affect of not going with the rules that your religion/science provide. And that is the side-affect of dying. I can't remember the actual time when did I stop praying and start making my life a complete chaotic mess.Eating disorder, sleeping disorder, stress and not concentrating on any of my studies...All of this- SUCKS. And deep down, in my head; I know it's wrong, it's gonna affect me in the long run. But I just can't quit it. I am able to but I am not willing to.I can't stop myself from hitting the snooze button every morning,misusing my time, like crazy.And I know it sucks, but I feel like I have no control over my emotions. And I am not a hard worker, for sure.
So the other night, what happened was, umm, I went to sleep. It was after midnight. I never fall asleep right on. And these days, I feel super tired but can't sleep.I stay awake in bed hours and hours, thinking, thinking, thinking.That night, I was awake as usual and there was a cockroach in my bed.I hurried myself down as I saw it climbing on the curtains beside me. FYI, I have a serious cockroach phobia, rather I say insects phobia.One time I got my pressure low seeing a big ugly lizard on the bathroom wall, and didn't even realized it was there the whole time, while I was bathing. Anyway, the problem wasn't that there was a cockroach in the bed, the problem was when it disappeared. And I was tired/scared enough to look for it,besides I didn't wanna disturb nanu so I just left everything as it was and shifted to our living room couch and there I burst into tears, because it used to be Api who rescued me from times like this. She would taunt me for being such coward.She would've taken that bastard down with her slipper and I would've cuddled with her the whole night, not yet recovering from my fears. That night my sis wasn't with me, and it was middle of the night I couldn't call her. Now there's formalities between us. Sitting on that couch, that night, trust me, I felt like the loneliest girl alive.
Then what happened, I felt something wet in my hair, on the scalp there was blood. I got more freaked out. One moment I was breaking down in tears,crying for my sister that she's not here for me, and again spooked by the fear of blood coming out of my brain. Okay so then I wiped my tears, picked up my phone and googled my symptoms.(I thought I was having a brain tumor or something) And found out it could be because of dandruff or dryness of scalp. I simply for a second, took a breath, laughed at myself for having stupid thoughts and then started crying again for my sister.
I literally spent the whole night lying on that couch with my pillows, crying my eyes out, talking to my sister's wedding photo. And his husband in the side. Kind of ignored him because he is the reason why she's not here with me.I had a lot of thinking. About many things.I can't really remember how depth I've gone with from a cockroach scare to life happenings,my mistakes and realizations and past and the future. I spent the whole night with myself. I spoke out. I created conversations between me and my soul. I know how crazy this sounds, but I actually did. I spoke. I spoke to my sister in that photo. I spoke to myself. I cried as long as my heart wanted to. And while in the bathroom break when I came across the mirror, my eyes were all puffed up but clean and I felt kind of relieved. Less lonely. More self-reliable. More sure of who I am and what I want.
Since everyday now, I am all caught up in emotions. It's really intense. It could be hormonal, I don't know. oh a funny thing just happened-So I downloaded an app tracking my period dates because I am a little concerned about my intensive mood swings. I gotta say it's a pretty cool app, not only it tracks dates,it also gives a chart of my fertility and ovulation..so when I am like irregular, it kind of buzzes-"You might be up for a pregnancy test." DUH. But you know, to me, It could be used as virginity reminder.And also,for a good laugh.
But these days, however I kind of got into the idea of having babies. I don't wanna get married and start family or anything, NOT right now,After 10 years maybe. But right now, I am like-so obsessed with the idea of having babies of my own, having to see my characteristics, my eyes, myself in them. And to raise them, oh my god. I am sounding like a 30 year old and a crazy. I want a baby,a rolly-poly, chubby cheeked shit machine! Yet without a husband? Tell me I'm crazy.
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