Everly

Guess what happened at the college farewell today?! I took a picture with him. Oh my god, it's the first picture with him ever. I don't even care I didn't look my best at it, I am gonna keep it to myself. I wore saree today and it was so sweating heat outside that I got my make up messed up. And I am super exhausted right now  walking all day in heels. But I just can't wipe that smile outta my face. He took a picture with me!  I am gonna have wrinkles earlier my age, because I am doing my face-splitting grin every time I look at the picture.He's standing right beside me. I wish we could hold hands! Aww this would probably be the last one because I may never see him again after HSC. That's heart breaking. So when we were like posing for the photo, some girl was interrupting to get in the picture and I kind of pushed her away from him so that it would be just the two of us.I was like "No! US FIRST!" And the girl was gone and I looked at him, he was ki...

I'm so tired that I can't even explain, how intense this last few days had been. I believe there's always a side-affect of not going with the rules that your religion/science provide. And that is the side-affect of dying. I can't remember the actual time when did I stop praying and start making my life a complete chaotic mess.Eating disorder, sleeping disorder, stress and not concentrating on any of my studies...All of this- SUCKS. And deep down, in my head; I know it's wrong, it's gonna affect me in the long run. But I just can't quit it. I am able to but I am not willing to.I can't stop myself from hitting the snooze button every morning,misusing my time, like crazy.And I know it sucks, but I feel like I have no control over my emotions. And I am not a hard worker, for sure. So the other night, what happened was, umm, I went to sleep. It was after midnight. I never fall asleep right on. And these days, I feel super tired but can't sleep.I stay...

So my cousins came in today and they were begging me to give'em a plot summery of Fifty Shades of Grey(Both the movie and the books). Can't blame them. All of their friends watched and now they need too. This kids are way ahead than us, I mean seriously? Can you believe these kids? They already watched the trailer.When I was fifteen I used to play dress up games online. Of course I  didn't disclose anything about the movie or the books.That would be destroying their innocence! But what the hell, I assume they already know much because their friends do. SO I can't really help anything here. Instead giving them those pdf files I recommended them the diary of Anne Frank and the books suited their age. I gotta say, They didn't look so happy about it. 

Do you know how hard it is living with someone you don't get along with? Living with someone you least care about? Someone you can't share your stories with or don't actually want to. It's quite hard. It's harder than you can imagine. It's fucking hard. I'm not...I'm not that kind of girl you know. I'm never good with adjustments. I am not happy with compromises. Unless it's made for the people I love.As for the people I don't love, I have to compromise, isn't actually my way of compromising, it's by force the most disgusting and sickening experience for me. It's all been a nightmare living with my grandmother. sharing the same room with her. I am not gonna lie. I didn't enjoy it. at all. Still now,I am just waiting for her to leave, so I can start my life. I am waiting just because I can't stand up for myself. I can't tell her or any of my family about how sick I feel of all of this because they gonna laugh. They gon...

I am loving the smell of rain. It's not pouring yet, but I could, you know, feel it. The rain's coming. And it's soothing.love it. SO I have watched Fifty Shades of Grey movie the other day. For those who haven't watched the movie yet, take my advice- DO NOT WATCH IT. It's a total waste of time. And they had no chemistry. I mean what the fuck. It's disappointing. Jamie and Dakota had no what they call it..uh spark, they were like puppets. There were a bunch of kissing scenes which were like- okay. I mean not bad. The first spanking scene was unbelievably weird.  And the playroom scene was -uh - could be better. I have seen more romantic and good love making scenes than this. They could do it a lot better way.Anyway,I still don't understand why people keep saying; in the movie, the ending's slightly different from the book..I mean they actually didn't change anything. In the movie Anastasia leaves Christian, and when she's on her way to the elev...

All this time I thought, It was me who had an extra-special bond with Api. And that, it would me who’d suffer the most when she’d leave our house. I thought It would me who’d miss her to hell and back while she’s away. I thought I would be the one soaking pillows every night, dying just to see her face, her smile and just to have a girl talk. But I was partially ignoring the fact that, I wasn't the only person my sister opened up to. It was my mother, yes my crazy mother who'd scream at her 24/7, who'd drive her insane at times was someone my sister followed like a lost puppy. And I am proven 110 percent wrong because I am probably not the one suffering without her. But my mother, she is. I can't tell you how hard it has been for her Api leaving this house. She simply doesn't pass a single day without crying. without saying  a word about Api. And it's not the same with me. Because I'm not her favorite. Because I don't yell back while she's yelling ...

Eww, my mom just made me a shitty cup of tea with her doctor prescribed fat free milk.I am never dieting. Nope. Fat free stuff sucks. Foods should be fatty and sugary and rich. So today, I was kind of...Active? I mean. Yeah. I did things. I woke up at 9. I am telling you, for me that's like...dawn. Anyway so I made it to the breakfast table...Yay. I didn't skip breakfast for sleep. HUGE DEAL. Then I went out, it was my accounting exam, then I went to college, submitted my practical sheets, filled up some forms, submitted it. Ugh. Oh then I checked out the bulletin board and it said our farewell is next Saturday. And I haven't fixed out my saree yet. My mom has a weird collection of saree. And I hate cotton. I hate those color she has. So she called Api and asked if she had better colors or anything I'd like. Nobody's got a good piece of saree. I am thinking maybe I'd go in a salwar kamiz. Then realized I don't have anything good in my closet. Some are too ...

I just wanted a life. A normal, fun life. Not sure if normal actually goes with the term "fun" though it clarifies my need, I just wanted sober and the fun stuff equalized. But I never wanted this boring shit. I never wanted to live like this, never. You know what is better than this life I have? Starving to death. I'm not saying this for the sake of literacy, this is how I feel these days. And I don't have any idea where the tears come from, and why. I'm crying on my own at nobody's fault. Something is wrong with me, I mean,clearly. I stay up late then I wake up at noon, guilty as hell. And today while combing my hair at the basin, I cried. Because of my excessive hair fall? No! I had hair falls before but I never cried for that. I also had the similar moment while reading love stories in the weekly paper.No those stories weren't sad and I am happy being single. I am still trying to figure out why I am crying so much. But I realized something. My life ...

So today, I just thought I should write something less depressing. Ah well at least I'm willing to try. I woke up at noon 3 days straight. So the "skipping breakfast" routine has reversed. Then I sat on the couch for hours right after finishing my lunch. Recently. I am quite freaked over watching Grey's Anatomy. I am obsessed,what can I say. I can't get out of the show, you know what I am thinking right now?- What's gonna happen with Jackson and April's baby..! The eleventh episode is airing tonight so my eyes are on youtube. The last time I was this much freaked out on a show-was Dexter. Which ended in 8 seasons. And now I am stuck with 11 freaking seasons of Grey's Anatomy. My life. Tomorrow is stat exam.Looking back those chapters reminded me the day when sir was hours late and I had to sit outside the coaching, on bench with a girl. She might be a science student. Because her exam was due and she had to revise. So she was reading aloud(I don...

You know. I had this plan. That I would start fresh. I would work my ass off. I had this plan that I would redecorate my room. I already planned where to keep my guitar. I'd been awake at night, making plans. I am all about the plans. And that's what is wrong with me. I set up this high expectation, I dream before even getting it. I imagine stuffs, I see stuffs before thinking it thoroughly and practically, I let my mind wonder over it. You see, I am an enthusiast when it comes to planning. So it hurts. Just hurts when I want something so bad but don't happen to get it before my expectation dies.

I know I've been kind of distracted lately. It shows on my words, doesn't it? I don't know what happened to me these days, I can't simply sit and put my feelings into words anymore. I'm lost for concentration and words. WORDS. I don't know what to say, but I have this need. This need to write things down even when I'm blank. I think I've made a habit outta this. Nothing happened. I just had to sit before the pc because I don't wanna go back to study. Studying these days. Makes me feel worse about myself. It only makes me feel like I am gonna suck in the board exam.And won't get any admissions. You know what I should do? Break things. Things that are jammed in my head. I should break those. Why am I so down all the time.? What is wrong with me? I wasn't like this before. Uh I was stupid but not this much stupid. Ugh there again. always down, always insulting myself in front of the world. You know what...I am gonna stop this. It's eating m...

A while ago, I locked myself in the restroom because I just wanted to be alone so I could cry. Let the pain drift off with the tears.Honestly this has been the most reason-less sobbing moment I'd ever endured in life.I guess I'm just stressed out.I stayed home all day,woke up at noon with an ache in the back of my head. Crying helped. Why am I having this feeling that everybody in the world has it together but me? I feel tired.broken.Alone.And it's terrifying.

Why is it so hard, to believe in something you don't see? Something that is too far away from your touch? Something that you only heard from people but didn't get to see or feel it yourself? Why is it so hard to hold onto a kind of belief that is constantly influencing by time, people and by the aging of you mind? They say God exist. Then there is another group of people saying that He doesn't. Then there's a part of me, that just wants to know if all of these are for nothing? We born, live an average life of 60 or 70 up then we die, Just like that. They say there's an after-life. Our bodies die but our souls live on. Another hypothetical theory. Is it just to calm our minds? For me, I don't know. I am not up for a religion discussion. Besides, not too stable to go deep into anything that requires resourceful knowledge and concentration. I am just depressed, These questions upwards, are my symptoms. My anxiety has driven me crazy, I just thought I should wri...

 Okay . I'm just tired. And I miss him.(McDreamy).But I am so obsessed with the idea of us being together.UGH.whereas me, I barely exist in his mind.5 years from now, I would look into this blog and laugh my ass out. How cheesy stuff I write? Be honest. Tell me. Overall it was a good day tho. My sis is home. We had lunch together, she's staying the night.So kind of in a good mood right now.

"What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it’s too late to do anything is comical. It’s hilarious. We’re graduating college. We’re so young. We can’t, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it’s all we have." What I needed the moment was some motivation till I got into this book.Reading her essays and short stories I only wished this girl could live longer and write more good stuff. Her wish was fulfilled. She's not remembered because she's dead. She's remembered because she's good. After a very long time, I read a book that simply touched my heart. I'm in love with her words.

I just wanna curl up in bed and sleep. Life is too heavy on me. I really can't remember the time I was genuinely happy. Everything around, sickens me. My home. Outside. Internet. TV. Food. Books. Exams. Even bathing. Even my favorite song. I don't know what to do. Should I cry? Yes I'm a crybaby, crying was the solution to every problem I had.It was my escape. There's no point now.  I lost it. I lost the shine I had in myself. The energy that kept me alive and soothed my soul. I am out of the line. I am faded. I suffocate. They don't know. They don't understand what I want. They don't understand me. I don't need this. Any of this. What I need is some motivation. Freedom. Work. Passion. Something I'd truly put my heart and soul into. Not just because I have to. Because I will to. I don't want a perfect life, no. I just want a happy life. I want joy. No outcomes. Just work in progress. I want a full night's sleep. I want my country to develop,...

I can't compromise. It's not in my damn blood. Is that a problem? Yes!

I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I am not even concentrated on life.It's like everything is out of my hands. Maybe I'm just scared. Scared of the board exam, admission tests and life ahead.Everything won't just fall into my lap you know.Something worthwhile needs hard work, struggling. Which I completely don't do. I am a noon person. I don't wake up until 2. See? I waste half of my life sleeping. How is that going to help with surviving boards or exams of any kind? Ugh. I need to spend more of my time improving myself as a student... But I am not stable right now. I still feel a bit shaky, emotional, stressed, insecure and all sorts of personality disorder. I don't look so fragile as I am inside. I don't know how to put my feelings into words anymore. This blog doesn't help me the way it used to. It all drives me back to 2014, that long three months depression, my breakdown. I don't want that back. Hell no. I couldn't sleep, eat or...