Everly

out of the picture out of the mind of people  prone to crumble in tears feels this lump in her throat they cannot see me like this she thinks forces a smile tries to engage but only in vain. i am not so well today, she thinks again maybe i'll be better tomorrow.

I am afraid all of my topic had revolved around men. I feel cheap sometimes, thinking about who I am gonna end up with instead of thinking about real life issues like a career, my future. My age is moving so fast, I don't like it...In five years, I will be 28. Can you imagine that? Don't you think it's super fast? I haven't done anything quite meaningful. It makes me feel kinda sad. I wanted my life to be exciting at my 20s.... I am grateful for whatever I have but this is too comforting. I wanted to be a risk taker, an adventurous person. It is still not happening. I am already tired. I already feel like I am old. This is not good. This is not good at all.

I am here to spill some tea. So this guy out of nowhere tells that he has a crush on me. This guy used to be my rebound obsession back in freshmen years, I used to like him a bit, as I knew very little about him. Rebound because I had strong feelings for this other guy who had a girlfriend. I wanted to fill the void with whatever chances I had. To be honest, I was girl full of hopes and dreams, rainbows and butterflies, any new attention would suffice me. I was not in my element. I was a desperate person. But I never told him I liked him back then. One night I thought about it but thank god I woke up the next morning, thinking more rationally and chose to wait over this. Whatever sort of feelings I had. Over three years we have been sort of friends but not too deep. Merely on the surface. Basically, I lost all of my respect for him after knowing his desperate intentions and clingy attitude toward other girls, it just sickened me... And also he used to be very confusing, he used to cr...

i had a massive panic attack. I can't believe couple puffs of marijuana can do that to you. First it felt like time moved slow. Like painfully slow. And everything was happening at once. I had a tunnel vision. I felt like I was inside of a tv. I remember touching my friend's boob, trying to understand if it was real lol...My hands were numb. I was freaking out. I was saying and seeing things over and over again. It was scary. I think something is wrong inside my head.

why does everything have to be so complicated?

I am chatting with so many people at once it is kinda distracting. But I can't give up. I have to find the one...I can't even keep up with the names. The saddest part is. My phone just went dead. It is not charging. I have to fix it tomorrow. I guess this is a sign. I needed to stop. I have a pakistani guy on snapchat. An Iranian guy whose been chatting with me on whatsapp for quite a few weeks. And all the tinder matches. There's this guy who studies just beside my university. That one was convenient. We chatted last night a lot. And I almost thought, why not. Let's give this a try. But now I am like scattered. What do I want? This is not cheating. This is the introductory. I haven't connected with any of them on a deeper level. It is just surface level bonding...But what the hell I have so many men to choose from yet I can't do it. No one is making me chase for it. They're so casual and all they want is coffee date. I don't know if I can...I have ma...

Two words. MAD MEN. If you haven't watched this series yet what are you even doing with your life. Jon Hamm makes me lose faith in reality, he is so sexy. I just can't, maybe it's the hormone rush of 3 am but I am hooked! See you after 7 seasons!

6 to 8 months until I complete all my courses and apply myself for an internship. Step out in the corporate world...I am quite puzzled. Time moves so fast. But I want it to be over. Seeing my dad paying for my tuition fees has been painful enough. I want to pay him back. This month, I have been quite blunt toward everything. Especially toward fasting. Reconnecting. I have been quite out of the path. I know He is watching me and I will have to answer to him on the day of judgement but for some weird reason I cannot put myself through it. This life somehow becomes the utmost focus, I cannot seem to think about afterlife, being alive and breathing. It is impossible to not get distracted in this materialistic world. Something that is after death is difficult to imagine, difficult to foresee when all you have is now. I am 23 years old. I feel so incomplete. I feel like I am waiting for a drastic thing to happen to me and transform me. There is not much content inside of me...I want to be...