Everly

Do you often wonder where's that spirit of you has gone? 22 years of life yet I feel like I haven't lived.  Billions of things, I never laid my eyes upon. How stupidly short the time feels.  When an author dies in an accident, she lives with her story.  She once wrote- Everything is so beautiful and short. Has she been thinking, she'd die so fast. At the age of 23...Marina was her name. I read her short stories, I only got to know her by the news of her death. Beautifully written short stories. I don't remember everything I read, I just remember how I felt reading them. It was beautiful and poetic.

The idea of him I always liked. I am in delusion again, I know it. I know the end is gonna be bad. It is making me restless again, I had that feeling before. It is almost as if. As if, all I can think about, is him. Not cool I know. I am so disappointed in myself...As if I had not suffered enough...Why am I making this choice again? What is the point anyway. My academics aren't improving, I almost want to cut myself again. But I am not alone in my room right now. I have to act sane. But how can I explain. I am not so sane anymore. There's everything wrong with me, upside down and nobody gets it. How loud I want to cry. Nobody gets it....I am done with life. I want no more. No more.

Sleeping pills are the easiest most solution to die.  I have been thinking about it, quite sometime. I thought about it the night before yesterday, ammu was sleeping beside me, I could hear her breathe. She is my mother, yet she felt so foreign. Almost like, most part of my life, she doesn't even know. I don't blame her for that, I have locked myself in.  I silently sobbed. When I feel this way, I say sorry to my parents, to everybody I encountered in life, in whisper of a prayer. The thought almost fades, then comes back in the morning on the way to class. I think about ways to disappear forever. I used to feel happy to be alive, to be breathing. These days, I feel drowned. And I don't know what to do with these thoughts. My mother's side of cousin, is staying with us for couple of days. I am not alone in my room tonight. But my thoughts are with me too. When I started this blog, I never imagined, I would be someday writing about my darkest thoughts.  I...

I don't believe in happiness anymore. It is just a random feeling like any other feeling. It is like hunger, it is thirst, it is like love, it is like sad, it is a mood. Sometimes I feel so happy I almost feel like throwing up. I don't think my stomach supports me being happy. I know it sounds all flaky but I really am serious. I cry when I feel like my emotions overpower me. You know what. It is too complicated to explain.  Just going to let you know, I am doing okay. I have started to feel the presence of my heart in everyday situations, like I said. When I feel too happy, I almost throw up. That's when I know, I am happy and content...Or this could be a stomach flu, I think I need to consult with a doctor. It is the weekends that get me closer to my thoughts. My thoughts are self destructive. Dangerous perhaps. It occurs when I am in an empty room. When I am done watching a trendy show or when I just have nothing left to do. Or have no motivation to do anythin...