Skip to main content
Dear God
If you exist
You have seen me at my worst
You have seen my desperation
You have listened my frustrations.
All this time I have cried to you relentlessly hoping for things to improve .
The night occurres and it scares me to death. All these little fears wind up and conspire against me
I do nothing but cry like a 5 year old me used to.
If you exist you know how I have been. What shaped me, what brought me here.
I don't know if I can go anymore. I don't know if I can walk the path you have decided for me.
I don't know if it is possible, making a shortcut. To an ambiguity .
If you are up there, why is this torture. Why is this normal average life that has no meaning, no significance to my being? Why do I have to live it?
I don't know how you think, rationally or more emotionally or you even need to think at all.
You are the only person I have been complete candid with. There is no other existence in this world I have opened up to this much.
Am I always in search for more pain?
What do I do with this urge to dissapear? Forever. From everyone and everything?
If you exist don't let me die before I actually do.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

world war?

 Dear B,  I don't watch the news but there has been a lot of speculations on social media of a possible world war III. My sister just texted me that I should save up money as we don't know what that might do to the economy. It is ironic because I just ordered something online last night. Every time I go out, I spend. I don't even have a good paying job and I spend like I have full time. However, one thing I learned from my past is that there is no point in stressing about the future. What I have control over is now. I can either live in the moment or ruin it by ruminating and what good will it bring to my life? Living alone can get boring. However, I am trying to find things to do. Maybe I will visit a bookstore today. Lets see.  I have rearranged the furnitures yesterday. Cleaned as well. The place looks good.  Maybe I will go IKEA. I love it there. Even though I can't afford furnitures, I just enjoy looking at them. Oh what to tell you B. My in-laws are coming this...
Post a Comment
Read more

opposite sides of a coin

Hi B,  I've been sort of busy with the training for the job and have another interview coming tomorrow. I am torn between staying with the current job and switching or keeping both as part times. I don't know, I guess I will have a decision made if the interview goes well. I have been traveling far for the current one and every time I get on the bus or the the train I feel depression kicking in full force. Suddenly I remember home, the comfort of being around my loved ones, the easy life I once had back in Bangladesh. Certainly, there are things that weren't easy but I guess it felt easy because I was more used to it. Transport was rickshaw and didn't even think twice before booking an uber because I always had some money with me. Now I have literally 200 dollars to go by and I have to think twice to even buy a cup of coffee or a piece of bread. I guess with time, I will be able to save up some money. I am glad at least I got to start working. It is still very overwhelm...
Post a Comment
Read more

healing in progress

 Dear B,  What I learned from the past week is that I tend to take on grief from others in my family like my own. Even though there is nothing I can do about it to ease other's pain. Hence, I suffer internally.  There is a song that I deeply connect with:  Tu Jhoom | Naseebo Lal x Abida Parveen. It kind of goes like this: “What is meant to be yours will find you through any excuse. My heart, understand that there is nothing in your control. You just swirl (let it go)” My brother recently got rejected from a marriage proposal from a girl he really liked. It was arranged but this was his first experience talking with a girl. Seeing him being torn left me in tears as I know how much he was hurting. He is such a gentle soul. I took his pain as if my own and could not sleep at night. Nothing I say could ease his suffering but I still tried to cheer him up. I prayed genuinely for him to be showered with blessings. I want him to experience life, be with someone who would ca...
Post a Comment
Read more