Everly

Why do I search you in every men? Why is it that, I find no passion, no laughter that sweet anymore. I feel like you're depressed it's showing on your face You used to have a smile you don't have it anymore. I don't know for how long I will have to try hard to love another being Don't know if I can love anyone after you How long do I have to force myself into seeking connection. Because there's none. I always felt like we had a connection of some sort. I don't know what sort but there was. I miss that. It is so unfair that you have to be the one my mind can't stop reminiscing over.

So I didn't suck that bad on my Accounting mid. I thought I was gonna fail but today I finally checked my scripts. I attended the exam with fever and I wasn't prepared much but thank goodness I still have marks on my hands to secure A or A minus. Why am I turning into this nerd////

I just got called for a job interview, this is a first. I didn't think anything when I sent my cv, it is for sales position. A very elementary and not so respected job. But I wanted to do it. I wanted to gain some experience on the marketing field. But my father didn't approve of it. And I am not that much inspired now. The interview is tomorrow and I don't think I am going. I got diagnosed with a probable disease that triggers infertility and other factors like diabetes. Now my depression has a reason. It can happen to anyone. There's always risks associated with every food you intake and the lifestyle you have whether it is healthier, you cannot stop your body clock, it expires every day, every week, every month and every year. The fact that I have something that triggers my reproduction system is so scary because when I imagine my future, the baby is always a constant. I have in my life, been obsessed with children, the way they talk, play, I adore the miraculou...

I need to do some de-stressing  because my body reacted on me today. I fainted in the university and it was such an embarrassing experience tbh. Today morning, I had so little sleep and I had quiz and I didn't study the night before, I was gossiping with my cousins, and I didn't have sleep the night before that...I don't know for what, I cried all night that night, I was functionally depressed and because of my hormone pills I have been having a lot of mood swings and did a lot of crying lately. I don't know maybe I was dehydrated today but I felt like my body was leaving me and I couldn't do anything about it. This is the first time I have ever felt like that...I was throwing up after. It was a disaster. But my friends took care of me and thank god I have them in my life. So you know what. I won't try to overdo myself this semester, whatever happens happens. My finals are in two weeks and I had a quiz today, I have one presentation and a quiz tomorrow as...

I have said  my fair share of things I hate about my country in the past and it never made me feel bad. But when my America living cousins said how much they hate this country I don't know for what I felt so bad that they feel that way and I also mentally labeled them as privileged kids which they literally are and I felt this unprecedented love for the place I live in, whether it is full garbage, whether it is unbelievably hot in summer and whether there are creepy men in the streets visualizing me naked when I walk past them.  "How do people live in here!" Wasn't a question my cousin asked, it was a genuine expression of frustration and concern...Because we had a village trip and we didn't have any wifi and the weather was terrible and their tummies were sick and the 13 year old had dust allergies...Okay. Being sick is no joke, I know when you feel your body is sick, nothing seems enjoyable and everything sucks...But every time they visit us, they're ...

My accounting mid was unbelievably terrible. I cried so much before the exam and my dad accidentally made me eat a tranquilizer pill that was my mom's. I was high on fever and sleepy and I couldn't outdo myself. The night before exam it was all too emotional for me. Because I felt like I failed myself big time. But you know what, I still got finals and I still can control the damage I created. There is no need to be so hard on myself...I have been through it and it was a bad timing as well with my health and all so right now, I should accept it and move on...That's what I am doing. My cousins are in town. I met them yesterday after almost 9 years...They live in New Jersey, My aunt hugged me so many times I almost teared up.... I miss them I do. They're really nice people.

I have fever and two mids in one day and I am so scared because I cannot screw up this semester, whatever happens.  I am just having a meltdown right now, because I see my father working hard for us, getting old and wrinkly and I am not even doing the single thing I am supposed to do. All I had to do was study this eid vacation, I passed it sleeping and oversleeping.I am so frustrated at myself right now. I don't know how to start.